Um. I went to a lumberjack party in the mountains last night. Imagine plaid shirts, mullets, work boots, axes, and Bisquick bottles hanging from belt loops.
I got really wasted, really really wasted up in the valley with my friend Nick and some random guy named Francisco. Next thing you know, I'm in a car following a pickup truck packed with couches driven by a Ukrainian guy named Vlad.
It was right off of the side of the mountain in front of a factory. There were tons of drunken lunatics there. I sat on a couch in front of a bonfire for at least an hour and saw 3 people fall into the fire. No lie.
Funniest shit ever: Some random drunk bitch yells "Avatar!" and attempts to run across the fire and falls head first into it. Then she army crawled out of it. Her shoes melted and her pants were all black. She wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.
And I've never seen so many gross, hairy, pale boy butts before in my life. There was no bathroom nearby so everyone was peeing in the woods. And the men thought it would be necessary to drop their pants to the ground when they had to take a piss. Thanks for making me more of a lesbian.
Within five minutes of being there I noticed a girl. I knew I would find a way to get her over to me. Next thing you know she's "keeping me warm" in front of the fire and asking me to go with her to a diner. She was nuts. She literally just popped a squat right next to me and peed. Everyone watched and she just went on to explain how her underwear don't go well with her jeans.
What a ridiculous night.
I left once they set all the couches on fire. I knew the cops would be there soon.
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