The poverty line

Life is rough but I'm in full belief that if you start off on the right foot and keep trying to advance, you will end up somewhere worth being.

I'm 24 years old and I'm practically living paycheck to paycheck because I have student loans and a car loan.  All of the rest of my money goes to my "cost of living."  But I save the tiny tiny bit I can, because that will help me get rid of my loans faster.

But this isn't about my loans.  It's about my career.

I was bitching to my friend about how I'm starting off at the bottom of the barrel.  However, I'm starting off at the bottom of the barrel in a career that I know will bring me great ease later in life.  I quit my current job because there was no potential for growth.  If I would have stayed there, I would have been limiting myself.  I'd probably only be making $35k a year ten years from now. I'm very intelligent and I know that I deserve much more than $35k a year.

I mean, sometimes you gotta be thankful for what you have.. but you also have to set your standards high.  I know what I"m worth.

I also know that I'm going to be successful in life because I'm trying really hard to be successful in life.  Most of my friends sit idle and watch the days go by, just taking life as it comes.  I'm not like that; I'm quite a fighter. I've always been a fighter. I have two different kinds of friends and I find myself in the middle:

Friends like my one friend who works at a grocery store and is content with making $21k a year.
And friends like Kevin and Nick who make at least $125k a year.

I find myself in a place where I can go either way.  I can have no plan to change or I can keep fighting.  I mean, I'll never make $125k a year, but my goal is to be making much more than I'm making right now.  And if that means I have to go out of my comfort zone and change companies, so be it.  If  I need to quit my job again a year from now because the potential for growth isn't good there either, then I will do that.  And if it leads to another salary war, great!  Because salary wars usually end in more money.  The job I quit a week ago was trying so hard to keep me.  I swear they would have bought me a unicorn if I would have asked for one.

But a unicorn doesn't change the fact that I'd only be making $35k a year ten years from now.  Unless they gave me a new unicorn every year and I could sell the unicorn for at least $20k.

Both of my parents grew up below the poverty line. I think that is reason enough to keep plowing through life with this sort of ambition. You know, I've never failed at anything else before, so why would I fail at this?  I always get what I want.  Really.

Life depends on the choices that you make.  And some of them are hard but you gotta set your standards high.  If you choose to quit high school, you're fucking up your whole life.  If you choose to skip college, you're limiting yourself financially.  If you get your degree and you don't make it worthwhile, you might as well have skipped college.  If you find yourself in a relationship where the person works at McDonald's, then you can never complain about your financial situation with that person because you chose that person.

I want to make the right decisions in life.  I want to have a nice future.  I don't want to give up, ever.

I try to avoid hatred, but I'm feeling it right now

I'm going to vent.  Here goes...

I fucking hate my mother with every piece of my soul right this second.  No, really.  I don't care.  Don't give me any of that fucking "she's your mother" nonsense.  Okay *sigh*  I'm going to calm down and be rational. Let me put this in perspective for you:

I'm intelligent.  I have a degree.  I double majored in college.  I can teach 7th-12th grade English.  I've excelled in every job position that I've ever had.  I'm independent.  I live on my own.  I pay my own bills.  I follow each and every one of my dreams and I never ever give up.  I keep advancing in life from year to year.  I have goals (i.e. paying off my student loans in the next 5 years, settling down with someone, continuing my education).  I don't let things like friendships and relationships get in the way of my goals. I don't believe in God but I am a loving, compassionate individual who believes everyone should be given a fair chance in life.  Yes I'm a democrat because of certain social issues.  I don't believe that politicians should only cater to the rich.  Yeah, I'm not straight, but as far as I know that make me any less of a respectable person.

My mom is intelligent but she dropped out of nursing school.  She's excelled in a blue collar job.  She is extraordinarily dependent upon my father.  She has no dreams.  She's pretty idle in life.  She doesn't make goals.  She let men get in the way of bettering herself.  She does believe in God but she hates gays and people who speak Spanish and finds it necessary to own a gun.  She tells me that homeless people deserve to be homeless because it's their fault that they're homeless.  She would rather people die than have a government that provides health care to them.

Okay, and yet I'M the problem.  I'm the horrible person.  I'm (as she used to tell me about gay people) "disgusting."  She's "disappointed" in me.  And I totally made the wrong decision by quitting my job where the most I'd make is 35k.  It's totally not respectable to be working at a law firm in order to find new ways to advance in life.  You know, believing that I might go to law school is absurd.  Who does that?!

My mother is not a good person.  Really, she's not.  You can make excuses for her all you want, but I don't care.  It's official:  My mother is NOT a good person.  And ten years down the line when I'm in a very respectable position in life, I'm NOT going to thank her.  Because all she did was drag me down and criticize me and tell me how horrible I am for everything that makes me who I am.

I am proud of myself.  I'm proud that I graduated with a four year degree in English and Secondary Education.  I'm proud that I took a risk a few days ago and accepted a job offer that provides the potential for growth.  I'm proud that I'm chasing my dreams with a pen and a pad, hoping that one day I'll be in literature books across America.  I'm proud that I found a way to accept the fact that I'm not straight.  I'm proud to be a liberal, because conservatives are on the wrong side of history.

I'm 24 years old and I've surpassed my mother in regards to success, I believe.  Where exactly was my mother when she was 24 years old?  I am proud of myself and I am not going to let her toxic reactions get in the way of my pride.  I need to stop talking to her.  I know that sounds harsh but I really do.  I keep trying to build a relationship with her but honestly, I don't really want a relationship with someone who is so...

horrible.

Always a tornado.

Things are changing rapidly because I am allowing them to.  As I just said, "There are dreamers and there are people who actually pursue opportunities that turn their dreams to reality. I don't want to be a dreamer."

I knew there was no room for growth at my current job so I applied for a position at a law firm.  Now I am a few days away from starting my new job as a paralegal.  Goodbye job, hello possible career.

I was recently asked to write for a book publishing company on the side and I agreed to do so.  Today I resigned from that opportunity.  It was not where I found my bliss.  I want to continue working on my own personal pieces and possibly collaborate with some friends on a LGBT blog.

Now, about my parents. Always a tough topic for me.  My dad and I are building a closer relationship.  He's been very supportive of my choices.  My mother and I aren't doing well because she's not supportive of my choices.  I don't care.  Not her life, and frankly, I am done with her putting me down when I know that I have a lot of reasons to be proud of myself.

I've been feeling a little bit scared here of late.  I'm scared because I don't know if I want to move.  I'm scared because I don't know if I will like my new job.  I'm scared because I'm afraid I won't get the same amount of overtime as my old job.  I'm scared because my mom hates me and I'm afraid she won't be there for me if I fall.  I'm scared because I'm up to my fucking neck in loans.  I'm scared because I really don't have anyone who has my back around here.  I live in a town where I don't really have anyone.  I have myself.  Me, myself, my tiny little apartment, and a best friend who doesn't really ...

I don't even know.  She's iffy.

I kind of feel like I'm being blown around by a tornado and eventually I'll find something to grab onto.  But in the meantime I'm just scared out of my mind.

Whenever life settles down, I have this tendency to stir things back up.  But winners are never idle.  I don't want to get comfortable in a shitty job and a shitty position in life and NOT pursue the writing career that fits me best.  I'm going to continue to stir things up until I'm content with the outcome.  This may take my whole life, but it will be worth every tornado.

You know, I often wonder if I'll ever be content.  Things always feel fine and dandy but then I stir shit up again.  Maybe being blown around wildly with nothing to grab onto is in my nature.

In other news, I've been really relating to "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost here of late.  His writing always helps me understand where I am in life.  Maybe one day my writing will help someone else understand where they are in life.

not giving up.

I was just about to get a shower when I happened across a link that led to a Gaga interview.  I watched the whole thing (it can be found here) and I can't believe the incredible amount of parallels between her and me in regards to her journey.

Gaga discusses how she lived in an apartment alone and cherished her loneliness, starting at 20 years old.  She had three jobs to pay her rent and came home to a quiet apartment.  She focused on the appearance of "artist" as opposed to the action of making art, which led to a cocaine addiction.

At one point it clicked and she stopped focusing on the appearance and worked on the action.  She also removed people who got in the way of her art-making existence.

I feel like this woman was put on earth with the sole purpose of keeping me focused.  I swear to you, every time I stray she always puts me right back in my place.  This interview just put me back in my place.

Okay, so I removed everyone from my life that got in my way.  I removed the alcohol, because blacking out four or five nights a week was not assisting my dream of becoming a writer.  I hid in my apartment now for over a month and spent that month reflecting on the action of writing and determining my next moves.  I've made more headway in the last past four weeks than I've made in the last past five years.

I sit in my apartment, cherish my loneliness, and spend most of my time improving my craft and looking for routes off of the beaten path.  I've focused on self improvement and have made a few advancements at my job in the last past few weeks.  I'm a hard worker.

My friends are upset and mad.  They're upset because they miss me and they're mad because I won't bend for them.  Yes, I go to see them now and then.  Last night I went out with Keely.  But honestly, I don't want a very active social life right now.  I want to focus on my writing, my job, and furthering my education.  Because those are more important to me than blacking out four or five times a week.

I went to two Gaga concerts and at the first one she said something that made everything click in my brain.  I was with Kevin at the time.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”

Friends come and go, but real friends stick with you and understand when you put yourself first.  They even cheer you on and let you go on your way, even if it means you don't get to see them for awhile.  Life is too short and I've already fallen behind on my journey.  I don't know what I'm searching for but I'll let you know when I find it.  And I'm not fucking giving up until I find it.