Nachos and Sex Charts

Yucky. As much as I like thanksgiving, I do not like meat so much. I mean, I eat it on occasion (like once a month at a Chinese food restaurant or in the form of a BBQ chicken pizza) but it just.. disturbs me so. So meanwhile, while everyone stuffed themselves to death with turkey on Thanksgiving, I just stuffed myself to death with vegetables and dessert. And nommed on a tiny piece of turkey to please my grandmother.

My thanksgiving was great. I stuck to my word. I went to visit my parents. I wanted to be a good daughter, so I did. And you know what, it wasn't too bad. My mom thinks I'm dating some girl and she asked me when I'm bringing her over to meet them..

My jaw literally dropped. Like.. fo' real?! I was so confused and happy at the same time.

Speaking of the girl that my mom thinks I'm dating (Keely), I went to her family's house for a little bit on Thanksgiving night, which was fun. They gave me wine and more dessert. After that we went to a bar and shared beer and nachos while making a sex chart.

Then we hung out with my best friend Nick. We had so much fun.

Our night consisted of a trip to an abandoned building, driving a golf cart through the forest and a flooded field in the night, getting tipsy, and those two (not me) getting high and getting caught by his parents. It was amusing, I felt like I was in high school or something.

I cuddled with Keely and it was nice. And, again, got caught by his parents. Most awkward thing on the planet. Me awkwardly removing my arm from around her neck lol! I mean, they're used to the whole gay thing because their son is openly gay. BUT STILL. They never saw me with a girl so it was strange.

By the end of the night I received a bunch of kisses at my car from Keely and that made me content. It made me content because this is exactly what I want. For things to be back to the way they were. Not in a relationship but not just friends. Friends with benefits, I guess. I'm too flighty and uninterested to be committing to anyone and so is she. The whole friends with benefits thing is perfect for us.

Presentations at Work

Today I sat at the laundromat with piles of ripped up and wrinkly papers filled with tons of poetry surrounding me and decided which ones to send to my mother and which ones I still need to work on. Everyone who walked in looked at me like I was a crazy lady.

Anyway.

Last night I was stupid and went to a sleepover at a coworkers' house. Two bicurious girls, a lesbian, and alcohol. Ha! Yeah. Um, I was frightened. I didn't want to do anything I would regret. I was good until about 3am. I mean, our conversations were pretty risky prior to that but it definitely got kicked up quite a few notches after 3. At one point one of the girls told me that she saw me checking out a supervisor's ass at work through an entire presentation.

I admitted it.

Next thing you know, I'm taking shots, I'm seeing boobs, they're putting on a show for me (bending over and whatnot), I'm on the floor showing them how to have lesbian sex, and one of them is trying to convince me to kiss the other and trying to get it on tape so she can "masturbate to it later." It was just.. ridiculous. I don't even know what time we went to bed. But I know that I'm so glad that I didn't have my phone because while I was in the spare room trying to sleep.. one of them texted me to ask if I was still awake. I asked why she asked me that the next day.. and she gave me a pretty suggestive smile.

But yeah, totally left my underwear at the house. That'll be ridiculous on Monday, "NICOLE! Here are your underwear. You left them on my floor."

*shakes head* These girls are killing me.

That's all, really.

More often than not, my life has been fairly complicated even though it looks rather simple on the surface. I mean, it IS simple. I go to work. I write poetry when no one's looking. I come home. I make dinner. I chill with friends. I drink beer. I sleep. Repeat.

But it's complicated. I both hate and love my parents. I don't know what the fuck I want out of life sometimes.. other than to go to bed and never wake up. The one girl that I want is the one girl that I also don't want because it would be so perfect and I'd have to give up my independence.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die some days. Like today. But don't get me wrong.

I love my life. I love my apartment. I love my friends. I love my .. fucked up family. I love music, ice cream, big fluffy pillows and cuddling with soft pretty ladies.

I just .. I don't even know. Where the fuck was I going with this? I don't even know any more. I just want to eat ice cream and watch a sappy romance that will make me bawl my eyes out. And then have really good sex. That's all.

Bumps on my head

I have quite a few favorite bars in Philly that I've been going to for quite awhile. The best part about my new apartment is that it is significantly closer to all of these bars. The furthest bar on this list of favorite bars is still less than 15 miles away from me, which is awesome.

One of them is 8 miles away, and it also happens to be about 5 minutes walking distance from Keely's apartment. Do you know how bad that is?! I'm pretty much doomed. This girl will always be in my life and it's not that I mind, because I love her to pieces, but she is pretty much a danger magnet. When Keely and I are together, we do bad things. When Keely and Keith and I are together, we do significantly worse things.

But I can't break away. Because I really do love them both. All three of us have a connection like you wouldn't believe. We had quite possibly the longest bear hug together ever at the end of last night. It was pretty gay.

Where do I begin?

Holy shit. I must have blacked out because honestly I stared at that "Where do I begin?" sentence for a good 5 minutes now and still don't know. Here goes nothing...

I remember unclogging an overflowing toilet with Keely, which was amusing. I remember walking down to an Irish pub and ... honestly I don't remember the walk. I just remember that we got there at some point. I was already drunk before we left her apartment. I remember dancing with strangers and all of the people that we came with. I remember having heart-to-heart conversations with a lot of different men that Keely brought along. I remember while dancing with Keith, him yelling "I hooked up with Keely!" and me yelling "me too!" I remember the walk home and trying to crash some party but some pretentious hipster kid with prescription thick-rimmed glasses was guarding the door. I remember sharing a vegan cheesesteak with Keely and some other andro girl. I remember Keith stealing a light bulb from somewhere and Keely breaking it on the sidewalk. I remember Keith climbing up a wall into an apartment complex, which was the easy part. Getting down was not easy. I remember sitting in Keely's living room with Keith, Keith's brother, and some professor while Keely and some gross andro girl were having really loud sex in the room behind us. I remember playing some board game based off of racist stereotypes. And I remember on the way home, thinking how much Keith and Keely give me that BFF warm fuzzy feeling.

And I remember not being able to fall asleep until 5am.

Wow. For drinking so much, I'm quite impressed with my ability to muster up that timeline. Anyway, next weekend will be the first weekend I haven't spent in Philly since I've moved here. I'm going to a sleepover at some girl's house. There will be lots of vodka and food. I'm concerned. And I just discovered that I have a bump on my head and it hurts.

The Good Daughter

I think about death a lot. I really do. And I always tell people I'm not afraid of death. I mean, I'm not. I could die tomorrow and be content with knowing that today. What exactly do I have to live for anyway?

Nothing.

But on the same token, I am absolutely horrified of death. I am afraid, behind words, of losing the people that I care deeply about. With most of my friends, I'd get by. But for some of my friends, like Kevin.. not so much. I'm afraid of Kevin dying. I've always had this horrible gut feeling in my heart that he will die young. I had the same feeling for his brother and his brother was killed young. If Kevin were to die, I'd be heartbroken. I'm also afraid of my grandmother dying... she will never know the extent to which I love her and appreciate her.

And most importantly, I am incredibly scared to death of losing my parents.

It, as with anyone, can happen at any time. But my mother had a horrible head injury and I see changes in her every time I see her. And my dad... I fear he'll have a heart attack with his high blood pressure and everything.

There's a very specific reason as to why I'm afraid of them dying.

I am not a good daughter.

I struggle with this often... finding a balance between showing them my disapproval and being a good daughter. I tell my coworkers how much I hate my mother. I've made it a habit to erase my dad's messages without listening to them because he just screams at me in all of them. I don't visit them because they hate who I am and I hate who they are.

But through all of this hatred... there is unconditional love. They may hate who I am and vice versa... but when it comes down to it, no one in this world loves me as much as my parents love me. They may bitch and whine and complain and yell and ignore me... but when it comes down to it, they have my back when I need it and they make incredibly large sacrifices for me to this day.

I'm thoroughly convinced, sometimes, that I'm really all they have in life anymore.

That hurts me. So much. It's like someone's rubbing salt in a deep wound. My heart feels like it's falling when I think of it.

I'm in the process of tweaking some things. Changing around how I handle things so that if something were to happen to my parents, I wouldn't have regrets. Right now, I'd have regrets.

So, if I luck out and die first (because there's no reason for me to be here anyway) then GREAT. But, in the event that my parents are taken away from me, I need to live a life right now that won't have regrets later.

I don't need to like my parents. I don't need to accept them and vice versa... But I need to be a good daughter. Because they don't like me but they are good parents. THEY wouldn't have regrets.

I need to call my parents even though it's painful. I need to visit them now and then even though it depresses me. I need to buy them gifts on holidays so that they know that they're in my heart. I need to tell them I love and appreciate them even though they make me want to jump off of a cliff most of the time.

I need to live my life the way that I want to live it, without any exceptions. I'm not living my life to make my parents happy. But I still need to be a good daughter. They do so much to be good parents.