Heal Feet, Heal!

Health wise, I'm not doing so fantastic. And it's really fucking things up for me.

The one thing that has gotten me the most fed up is my foot problem. I can't explain in words the amount of pain I get in my feet. I pretty much have to crawl out of bed. I bought night splints, but I can't sleep with them on. I wore it for three nights and in those three nights I only got 6 hours of sleep in total. I can't even walk across a parking lot to get into a store without having to push myself, because my feet feel so horrible.

Now let me explain why this has pissed me off the most.

Not because I'm going to be a teacher starting the 7th. I mean, it's a concern, but not a big concern. I'll have SOME time to sit down and relax my feet. Which helps a little bit.

One of my favorite things to do is go to concerts. Whether it be big gigantic shows with everything short of a dancing pony or tiny little shows in cities with broken toilets and starving bums around the corner, I always have a show to go to in the future. I go to many many many shows.

On Saturday I went to see a band that I see regularly. It was the first show I've went to since my feet have become a MAJOR problem. I drank a tiny bit (a very tiny bit) but my tummy was empty enough to help me forget about my feeties, until the band went up.

For starters here, I was wearing sneakers. SNEAKERS! I never wear sneakers. Only when I'm working out. But yeah, heels and flats were both out of the question unless I planned on not using my feet for the entire night.

I thought that sneakers would be a cure all. But they weren't.

So, when I see this band, I work my way up to the front row to dance. Um, yeah. By the first song I was leaning against the speaker in front of me during slower parts because I was in agony. I enjoyed myself, yes, but I usually enjoy myself more. I felt so.. restricted.

I have another concert on Sept 14th and the thought of it making me cringe. They're VIP seats, standing room only right at the front of the stage. I'm sooo excited but so scared. How the HECK am I going to do this? I'm going to be in agony for HOURS. It's different when it's a show like the one last Saturday that only lasts for like an hour. This show is going to be MANY hours. At the very least, three hours. Back when I used to do these long shows, I would sit on the floor for awhile. What do I care? A little bit of dirt is fine. I think it might be out of the question this time.

Anyway, as if this whole concert thing isn't upsetting me enough.. what about skiing?! I don't even want to think about it. I'm going to be very upset if my feet ruin another one of my absolute favorite hobbies.

Miserable Lonely Divorced Old Lady

I need to vent about patience. Something that I seem to have, and many others do not seem to have. Now, I don't have patience for silly things, like ice cream sundaes, but when it comes to big commitments and necessary long journeys, I take baby steps.

There is something that brought this to mind. Marriage.

I feel like everyone around me is getting engaged. I go onto Facebook and see another engagement announcement at least once a week. Some of these people have been together for years, like my one friend who has been with the same person for five years, but some of these people have only known the person that they have engaged for a few months.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Let me put this in perspective. I'm 22 years old. I'm hoping to live until at least.. 80? That means I have at least 58 years left. If I were to get married right now, that means I am going to have to be with that person for the next 58 years (unless I get divorced). Now, going into marriage.. wouldn't you want to try to AVOID needing a future divorce by being patient?

How can you be with someone for a few months and decide that you want to spend the REST of your life with them? The rest of your life is a long fucking time.

No wonder there is a high divorce rate. And a shit load of broken families.

I've been with Kevin for four years now and we've lived together for about 3 and a half years. (I started living in his parent's home right off the bat because my college roommate was a coke snorting herpes infested whore and I was tired of living in my car). Over the four years we've been together, we've both changed a lot. People used to talk to me about the "honeymoon phase" and I didn't think I understood it.

But I understood it after Kevin. It's a period of time when you first fall in love with someone and everything is like a fucking mystical magical land with faeries and unicorns and happiness up the wazoo. For Kevin and me, ours lasted about a year and a half.

I'm not saying that things aren't nice after the honeymoon phase, but the sugar coating melts away. After this melts away, things are different. Personally, I think everyone needs to let that shit melt away before committing to a lifetime together. You need to be out of the "spell" to make proper decisions.

As if this "spell" isn't enough, there is also the fact that people are constantly changing. A few things stay constant, but not everything. Don't you want to watch this person evolve for a bit before committing to them? In the four years I've known Kevin, he's evolved a LOT.

I don't know. I'm not saying that all of these newly engaged youngin's that I know are going to end up divorced. But I'm not going to lie... I wouldn't be surprised at all if I see at least one of them getting divorced within the next five years.

Or who knows, maybe I'm just being cynical.

Maybe they'll all be happily married until the end of time and I'll end up being a miserable lonely divorced old lady. *shrugs*

My Moment

I need a good rant.

First of all, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself because I hate when I'm a weak person. I've been weak for most of this summer, and I am not proud of that. It actually disturbs me. I need to fucking brush that dirt off of my shoulders and force myself to relax. I need to stop complaining, stop being upset, and laugh a little bit.

Second of all, I forgive myself. I remained strong after something.. pretty tragic.. occurred last year. Something that pretty much no one around me knows about because it's so.. uncomfortable to share. I was strong through many months of what should have been agony, so I deserve a little bit of petty angst.

Thirdly... I hope other people forgive me for it. I'm definitely not myself. I've gotten messages and texts from concerned family members and friends. I hope they don't accept this as "the new Nicole." I hope that they understand that I'm just... having a moment.

A long moment.

And, lastly... I want to cry and not be ashamed of it for once. I don't want people to question me or think I'm being dramatic or immature. I just need to give into my weakness for once. I need to cry my little eyes out, think for a bit.. find out what's making me unhappy, and CORRECT IT.

I want to be the old Nicole, I swear. I'm working on it. But I'm only human. And no human is perfect. In the meantime, I hope I'm not ruining the relationships that I have. I don't want to dig myself into a hole that I can't manage to crawl out of.

And I'm only 5 feet tall, so it won't take me too long to dig myself into a hole that I can't crawl out of.

Shit Post

Instead of making a pretty post filled with one subject and a bunch of witty remarks, I'm going to do another shit post. By "shit post" I mean that I'm too lazy to make a high quality post, so once again I'm going to blurt out anything that comes to mind and see where it leads to.

The first thing that comes to mind is my hair because it's dripping on my neck right now. I've been following the CG method for quite awhile now. The question is, has it been working?

Absolutely. Who knew these crazy natural waves existed?

Believe it or not, that's actually not the most intense of my waves (I took that a few weeks ago). I even have some ringlets! I'll never use sulfates ever again! It's so bizarre.. I actually get compliments from random strangers! I love it!

Subject number two. About the picture above. See that tricep? Yeah, it's much improved! I'm still not at Jennifer Aniston tricep status... but I'm much closer than I was a few months ago.

It's kind of weird. I've gotten skinnier over the last few months but I've actually gained weight because of my new muscles. I'm really happy about this. I feel healthier and stronger. It's also weird because I can also handle eating more without gaining weight. It's so bizarre how significantly your body can change.

What else? Well, first of all, my gigantic lesbian crush is pretty much out of the bag. I have always had issues holding those in for too long. Kevin's actually nice about this one. He even said she was cute. He usually takes an instant GRRRR position on my gigantic lesbian crushes, but for once he's being pretty nice about it. Hmm.. makes me wonder...

Okay, changing the subject.

Bug problems.

Yeah I'm absolutely disgusted with the bug problems we have at this apartment. I've lived in 6 different places in the last past 5 years and I've never had such an issue. There are just way too many points of entry in this place. It used to be a disconnected two car garage with an office, and they turned it into an in-law suite.. but I'm assuming that they never bug-proofed it.

Well, it's quite obvious that they didn't.

Best friend issues. I've been best friends with Alex for years and years and years. I've tried so hard to hold onto him once I moved away in August of 2006, but it seems to have been a lost cause. We spend time together now and then, but he changed to the extent that I don't think it's working out anymore.

It's devastating to lose a best friend.

In an attempt to salvage our relationship, I invited him to see La Roux with me this past Thursday. He bought a ticket. I bought a ticket. And I already saw from the beginning that it was a lost cause. I don't know. And then I started to realize that I really wished that Nick was going with me, not Alex. I was no longer excited about seeing Alex, but rather, just about going to the show. I was even thinking... maybe it would have even been more fun to have went myself.

Luckily the show was cancelled. Well, I was sad about the show being cancelled, but I wasn't sad about the ripping apart of my heart being cancelled. Alex promptly got the refund, and I promptly decided to hold onto my ticket in the event that Nick will be able to go with me in November (which is when La Roux is making up the cancelled show).

I wish friendships were easier.

Luckily I have some friends around here that I'm slowly becoming closer to. Slowly meaning like.. snail speed. It's much harder to become closer to people when you're falling into adulthood. For instance, suddenly having ten million responsibilities that you didn't know existed and never having the opportunity to hang out with people seems to be a major issue.

But you know what, I'm willing to stick it out. I'd love to have friends around here that I love as much as, let's say, Nick and Amanda back home. That would mean the world to me.

That seems to be enough for one night. I want to go to the mall and buy lotion for my legs.