2016

I am tired of lying.  I hate my life with every single beat of my heart.  I wish every single day that I will somehow be lucky enough to die.  I do not want to be here.  There is absolutely no reason for me to be here.  I hate myself and I hate the person that I am.  I hate the life that I tried building for myself.  I hate everyone else for having it so easy.  I hate everyone else for having everything that I worked so hard for.  I hate all of the mistakes I've made, the people I've wronged, the horrible decisions I've decided on.  I hate this city because it is a reflection of me giving up.  It reminds me of how much I have failed at everything.  But I also don't want to move because there is nothing to be found any where else either.  I will fail there too.  I hate that I'm a disappointment to my parents, my grandmother.  I miss her so much.  It hurts.  I cry every time I think of her gentle smile and the person that she wanted me to become.  I hate how I've let so many people down.  I hate that I have been merely a magnet for that is wrong for the entirety of my life.  I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and trying and not getting anywhere.  I'm tired of praying about things that seem to always fall on empty ears.  I'm tired of all the years and years I gave and gave and gave and gave and then - the one year that I'm trying to receive, for the sake of my sanity, and nothing is coming.  I just truly don't even want to be here anymore.  I hate the person I've become.  I hate this city.  I hate everything.  My parents would be better off without me.  Everyone in my life would be better off without me,

It is 9:56 in my apartment.  I'm wearing underwear and a bra.  My cheeks taste salty and the corners of my eyes are sore with tears.  I can look down and see the wrinkles forming in my fingers.  I look around my room and I see nothing.  I have build nothing, I have earned nothing, I have won or received nothing.  I have planted so many seeds in this world only to see nothing pop up out of the soil.  I just hear the locusts and the sound of cars racing down the road.  All of the lights are out in my apartment.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I want to run away.  I want to go downstairs with a new outfit on and new makeup and new everything and I want to run far away to a place where I can just hide forever.  I don't want to leave the new place ever again.  That's the place where I will die.

If you knew how many times this month I've closed my eyes and thought - "I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up when I'm dying."  I want to fast forward.  I literally hate everything.  I don't want to be here anymore.