Eh, how I'm feeling.

What has my life become?  It's become a bunch of late-arrivers at the party.  I arrive first and look around, confused, because it seems awfully empty even with all of these people here.  When my friends arrive, it becomes complete, because each of them has at least one characteristic bigger than the room.  Bigger than the house.

What has my life become?  One in which when I first walk in and see girls with sundresses and wine glasses,  I panic.  Once a beer bottle graces my hand with it's cool sweat bubbles, I feel a little bit better.  Until my friends arrive.

My life has become the outsiders, really. The ones that traveled from Philadelphia to come to this party and sit on the back porch with me, as the scent of cigars wafts into my pale face.  One of the girls says, "we are the reject friends."

But my life has this way of mingling with lives that aren't quite like my own, so I wander sometimes.  I say, "How are you?" without caring and "How is that wine?" without caring.  I tell them I like that dress even though I just like the figure that's underneath it.  They smile at me. I drunkenly stumble.  At some point I realize that I'm really not welcome to mingle, but my judgment is off.

So I walk myself back to my original seat with the originals and talk about things like jobs and restaurants, feeling happy and secure.  Feeling like someone loves me.  Feeling like the world is fair when each one hugs me as they leave.  I'm never the first to go, I'm always one of the last.

And when I leave, I don't turn around because I know I'm not missing anything.  All that's left is the air in the house and just three or so dying flickering lights that I left behind.

It's amazing how we glow so brightly when we're all together.

Rambling. Blah blah blah.

Time for another freewrite, I suppose.  I don't really want to limit myself on time.  I just want to talk.  I don't talk to many people about my problems anymore.

On the fourth of July Keith told me that he loves me with all of his heart.  Like, love love.  Not, "I love you as a best friend" type love.  It broke my heart.  Keith has the worst timing, I swear.  Supposedly he also told Ricky that he loves me as well.  Ricky's reaction to all of this was as follows:

"I love you too.  And him.  Can we all just marry each other and live happily ever after?  I don't even need sex from any of you."

I love Ricky so much.  And Keith.  I would do anything in my power to make sure that they will always be in my life. Losing either of those two (like I lost Kevin) would be the biggest heartbreak of my life.  I would be truly devastated.  I love them so much.

I've been sad about my parents lately.  They're getting older and I'm scared that I'm not being the best daughter I can be for them.  They invited me to Vegas.  I loved it.  I love them so much, even though they drive me insane.  On the fourth we flew to Vegas, gambled, watched fireworks, ate, had strawberry daiquiris by the pool.  On the fifth we went to the Hoover Dam, saw three impersonators perform, went to a bar to get our drink on, drank some more in the pool, gambled some more, and on the sixth... more gambling and eating.  We wandered a bit.  I got some gifts for Ricky and Keith because they have my heart.

The impersonators were the best.  Michael Jackson fell in love with me and was singing to me for a solid twenty minutes.  Elvis fell in love with my mom and gave her his scarf, which he signed.  And Lady Gaga did a monster paw with me.  The rest of the night, my dad was calling my mom Priscilla.  I love my parents!

I not-so-welcomed someone new into my life.  His name is Chris.  It's complicated. I don't want to talk about it.  He has my head spinning.

I've been spending more time with Kyle, Buddy and Alyssa, which is nice.

I don't know, my life has been so concrete here of late.  It used to be abstract.  The concreteness, however, has resulted in a very creative Nicole.  I've been writing my heart out.  I hope it continues.