Beautiful days

The whole world is beautiful today.  Every single piece of it.  Even the sound of the neighbor power-washing his shed, as ridiculous as that may sound.  Today I feel perfect.

Not like... perfect-perfect, rather, perfect as in.. 100% myself.  Every single thing about this day is 100% Nicole, from the smell of apple cider in my kitchen to the busy maroon rug underneath my feet.  My friends are me today.  They are reflecting who I am and I can sense that they appreciate it.  They are loving me exactly how I want to be loved.  The room is speaking to me.  It's saying "Nicole, everything is put in it's perfect place. And this is you."  Because we are what we surround ourselves with.

Today I am a writer.  A daughter who is loved by two parents despite the differences. A friend to rely on, to love.  A girl who loves blasting The Vines and appreciates each lyric. The girl who drinks a cup of coffee the size of her head and sips on water out of a wine glass.  I'm wearing a black pushup bra, comfy sweatpants, I'm barefoot.  Remnants of hot pink lipstick from last night are still resting on my lips.  My hair is every-which-way, how I like it.  Black eyeliner is falling below my eyes.  I smell like warm vanilla sugar but there's also a hint of stripper-esque perfume that I put on for fun now and then.  I have high heels strewn across my bedroom floor.

This is who I am.

There's poetry beside me on crinkled yellow pieces of legal pad paper.  That's me.  At any given time you will find at least 5 or 6 random pieces of unedited poetry floating around my cave-like apartment.

Kyle looked at me once and said I'm a social butterfly.  My phone is ringing off the hook with friendly, enthusiastic invites today.  And then once, I sat at a bar between two past hookups and one said "Do you hook up with all of your friends?" I smiled because there was nothing I could say.  That's me, I'm sexual. I'm fun. I want to hear you fuck in the bedroom while I drunkenly sit in the living room.

I'm intense.  I tell my friends I love them with every piece of my heart and soul and I mean it more than anything else in the world.  When I'm drunk, I put my floppy arm around their beautiful necks, kiss their soft smiling cheeks and tell them how much I love them.  It's not the alcohol talking, it's my heart.  I mean it.  When I love someone, it's deep within my soul.  Many people have dug their way into my soul... and I will never ever take that for granted.  I am the luckiest girl in the fucking universe, I swear.

I love my dad.  His gentle smile, his squinty eyes.  His calm demeanor that hides below that rage that seeps through now and then.  He has a heart of gold... and he loves me with every piece of it.  I'm so lucky to have him as a father.. and as a friend.  I am so thankful he exists.  I love my crazy mother even though she can be a bitch-but I guess that's where I get it from.  I love her carefree nature, her youthful cheekbones despite her age, and the fact that she'd really do anything for me.  I love that attitude she has about her.

Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of this day, because it's beautiful.  Every day is, really.

Big Rich

Sitting on my futon with a navy blue towel wrapped around my body.  My hair is up in a towel but water is dripping down my chest from my wet bangs.  I hear the fan from my bedroom, the cars at the market, and ... silence.  Yes, if you separate the fan and the car noises from your mind, it sounds like silence, and I'm capable of doing that.

I don't want it to sound like nothing though, so I'm focusing on the fan.

There's a specific reason why I don't want it to sound like nothing.

What the fuck happened to my life in the last past few weeks?

I lost a friend that I really cared about.  Someone that I was hoping to build a meaningful.. whatever with.  He changed significantly in a matter of days.  It was incredibly bizarre.  I feel like it's not the end, but he's unlike anyone else I've ever met... so it might be.

He reminds me so much of Ricky.  Ricky threw me for a fucking loop.  That girl, to this day, makes my head spin.  And I think that's why I love her with all of my heart.  I love being tossed into panic mode and pulling myself out of it, safely.  That's what Ricky does.  That's what he did.  To my heart, at least.  I didn't want him to stop tossing me.  But he did.

Then there's my siblings' dad.

I love my brother and sisters more than they know.  Richie, I love his annoying arrogance and genuine curiosity.  I love his determination and the ease at which he finds himself in fantastically unwrite-able situations.  His existence is unique and he's always honest.  I love Marie for her empathy, her intelligence, her kindness.  Her ability to go out of her way for anyone no matter what without thinking twice.  She's a genuinely a good person.  Probably the most caring person that I've ever met in my 25 years.  My sister Renee.. I love her laugh and her beautiful smile.  Her attitude.  Her desire to create.  I love how she goes out of her way to pull me into the family, despite my repeated "no"s.

And I loved their dad.  He died this week.  He was caring, sweet, he told me the things that he loved about me.  He called me "sweetheart" but it sounded like "sweet-hot" with his nyc accent.  He always said "you're just like your mother"-this and "you're just like your mother"-that.  You have your mother's eyes.  Your mom doesn't take bullshit from anyone.  Smiley.  Hey giggles, you're beautiful.

I'm devastated.  But I'm not going to the funeral.

I love my real dad with every piece of my heart.  So bad that it hurts.  If something happened to him, I'd want Renee, Marie, and Richie there.  And I fucking bet you they'd be there.  Maybe not Richie.  But definitely Marie and Renee.

I just don't handle these things well.  I never have.  I hide.  And I want to hide this weekend.  I'm sad, I feel bad, I wish I could be supportive.. but I just can't do it.  I'm so sorry and I wish I could with all of my heart.  I do funerals all of the time.. but it's usually people that I don't care about.

The last time I went to one that was for someone I cared about.. I sobbed horribly.  It was the worst experience of my life.  I could not stop.

I'm so bad at these things.  I wish I wasn't.  I loved Big Rich.  I would have loved to say goodbye.  But do I have to say goodbye like that?  Do I want to sob in a room with everyone staring at me?

No.  I'm so sorry.  I feel like a horrible person.