I know who I am.

This is me needing to talk myself into clarity.  Here goes:

It's strikingly beautiful outside.  I hear the birds alongside the sound of cars, winter scraping against the dry sidewalk.  The leaves are falling on my car.  I don't even have to look out my window to know that.  I invited Keith over.  He is my world.  He is my best friend and he can't make it here today to grab my gloved hand and walk to the coffee house with me.  He would order a large chai latte and I would order some sort of fruity rooibos in a medium.  

We would watch the cracks between the slabs of concrete and laugh at the weird people standing in the street, staring at the sky.  We would wander through the park, talking about puppies playing in the high grass.  We would grab a cupcake at the bakery and fucking stuff our faces like no one is looking, because best friends have no shame.  He would laugh at the smear of chocolate on my face.  I would wipe it off and lick my finger sexually, just so I could see his dimples when he'd smile.  I'd stick my finger in his dimple and he'd probably say something like "you are too much" or "you are wild."  But he loves me that way.  This is who I am.

I am the girl prancing around Ricky's house in polar bear undies and six inch heels.  I am the girl covered in acrylic paint with smeared red lipstick all over her face, some in her messy blond mane.  I am the girl covered in beer doing shots in the kitchen, telling Ricky and Keith that I love them with every piece of my beating heart, looking sexually at Jakey as we discuss ridiculous things like fisting and BDSM,  I am a one of a kind and it's weird.. I only know that because Ricky and Keith tell me.  They say "Nicole, you are crazy" and then laugh at me.  They know who I am even more than I do.  I can't perceive myself.. they do it for me.  And they make me like myself for appreciating the fucking crazy little colorful gem that I am.

That's what I'm thankful for.  This is the day after thanksgiving so I'm a day late.. but I'm thankful for friends that make my heart so happy to beat each and every morning.  They're the reason that I'm developing the tiny little wrinkles around my smiling brown eyes.  They're the air in my lungs, the bottle of wine nestling in my tummy.  Without them, I don't even know who I am.  With them, every day I wake up knowing exactly who I am.  I wouldn't trade them for the world. 

Falling into perfection

Weird how the world works.  Where am I right now?

I'm 25 and I moved into a cute rowhome in a cute neighborhood in the city with my crazy lesbian best friend.  I'm two blocks from a bustling avenue lined with awesome stores, my neighbors are ultra friendly, and I feel like I fit in here. Ricky stuffed me into a big bedroom that used to be a little boy's room, so I have batman wallpaper.  Which every single person gets excited about.  My room is a spectacle, basically.  Just like me.

I'm still a paralegal at the law firm, busting out lawsuits left and right, managing a heavy case load like a pro, smiling at attorneys, yelling at judicial clerks.  You know, typical paralegal stuff.  I still write regularly, loving each poem like it's one of my children.

Oh and um..  I met a guy?  He lives in another neighborhood.  It's about ten minutes away.  He's basically the male version of me.  Ricky finds it absolutely horrifying.  I feel kind of lucky and I wish I was snuggling with him right now.  HE IS SO CUTE.  I can't get over his pretty eyes, soft poofy lips, and awesome tattoos.  I also love the fact that he's so much taller than me.  I never liked short guys and short guys always preyed on me.  But yeah, I don't think I would trade him for anyone.  It's strange, when something is right.. you're not afraid anymore.  I've been afraid of commitment for about two-three years straight.  I haven't been afraid at all since I met him.  Actually I can't really imagine NOT having him in my life.  It's like Ricky & Keith... they're stuck with me.  I'm not going anywhere. Unless he turns out to be a dick.  Hahaha.  We'll see.  It's all still new and fresh. Moving along...

I'm continuing to have a good relationship with my rents.  They helped me move into my new place.  My mom loves the area cause she's from the Bronx so this is like heaven to her. My dad, on the other hand... the other day I was like "it's starting to get dark early, I can't be walking around alone in my neighborhood."  My dad laughed at me and goes "Ha! I wouldn't walk around alone in your neighborhood in broad daylight!"  Hahaha.  Truthfully speaking though, my neighborhood is right smack dab next to the safest neighborhood in the city, so it's not that bad.  But still, young females should not be gallivanting alone under the night sky here cause I'm also right smack dab next to a not-so-good neighborhood as well.  

Anyway, life is just fucking fab.  I'm visiting my grandmother this weekend to gossip my little heart off.  I hope she keeps me there for hours and hours.  I love her with all of my heart, it's incredible, and I will gossip with her until the sun sets!  I never want to have any regrets with her.  She gave me the world.  I am where am I because of her existence, and I can't wait to sit across from her at her little round table in her warm house eating all of her yummy baked goods while telling her everything about everyone.  The world is so lucky to have people like her.  I am so lucky to have someone like her.

I feel pretty great here of late in general.  Healthy, happy, comfortable. Sometimes you just need to mess everything up and then bam.. it all falls into perfection.