I don't know. The world is strangely still to me today. I hear the rain pecking at the window but it still feels like the world's not moving.
I'm in love and it hurts. It hurts because I'm in love with someone with a mental illness. Last night he told me that he still has feelings for me but that he doesn't want to destroy me. He's destroying me by NOT being with me. I told him the truth. That he has a serious mental illness paired with alcoholism and drug abuse. He said he's never had someone be that honest to him in years.
But none of it matters. I cut ties with him as of last night, because I don't deserve to feel this much pain. I wish I could be friends with him but right now that's just too hard for me. He's all that I think about. I think about how much fun we've had. How much fun we were even having up until last night.
On Thursday we moshed in a crowd, I was covered in dirt, sweat, pizza grease and beer and we had sex in my Jeep on a busy street in South Philly. Afterwards he snuggled my warm little foot, and he had such torment in his eyes. He said, "You know I can't give you what I need." I didn't say anything. I feel like it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
I remember kissing him by the bar and it was literally the best kiss I've had in years.
This guy is perfect for me.. but he's broken and I can't fix him. He has to fix himself. I am hoping with every ounce of my soul that he will use this time away to work on himself and fix his problems. I'm not sure what to expect. He always surprises me with the exact opposite of what I expect- so I never know what to expect anymore.
Who knows, maybe I had to come into his life to help him get his act together. Sort of how I came into Chris's life to get his act together. Chris taught me to let down my guards and love fully again. Andrew taught me to be prepared for anything. I am hoping that whoever is next down the road teaches me that I can learn everything else from just one person for a long time. Because I'm ready for another long term committed relationship.
I love being in love. And I loved loving Andrew. But it should be easy- with Andrew's depression and alcoholism it wasn't easy. Kevin taught me what easy was. I'm looking for that.
One of these days it will happen and I will be the happiest girl in the world. My smile will be as wide as possible and my hand will be so ready to hold his. I want to kiss him and hold him and be the reason he smiles when he wakes up in the morning.
That's what I want. And I wanted that with Andrew. But nothing makes Andrew smile anymore.
I was going to throw away his stupid pen with bite marks today. I was going to chuck it into the canal because I was so pissed at him for telling me that he has feelings for me again. But I didn't. I said to my mom, "Couldn't throw it away. I have too much respect for him. He has a mental illness. It's not his fault. One day I'll part with it in a nicer away."
My mom said "Good choice my love."
I've made mostly good choices since Andrew broke up with me. Minus having unprotected sex with him and needing to take a morning after pill. But I gotta give myself a break. I deserved at least one fuck up because I've done a lot of not-fucking-up.
One day this will all fucking make sense. Or at least I hope it does. Because let me tell you, my heart is so broken that I feel like if I were to cut my chest open to take a peek, I'm not even sure it'd be pumping in there.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Pride
I am so proud of the woman that I have become over the years. A boy broke my heart. He crushed me to the ground. But did I let him dim my shine? No. Not at all.
I didn't get wasted. I didn't hook up with exes. I didn't hide under my covers. I didn't send him unclassy texts. I handled it the right way. I filled my time with the people that I love, I wrote my little heart out, I stayed out from underneath my covers, I had one girly cocktail... responsibly, I continued my job search, and I also made plans with him.. as a friend. We bought concert tickets in February and I don't think they should be wasted.
I feel like this is grounds for celebration. Because you know why? Because I know who I am. If I didn't know who I was, I would be a disaster. I would be grabbing onto the earth for dear life, trying to figure out how to live. But no, I know exactly who I am. So it wasn't hard to pick myself back up and dust off my sparkles.
Yes, I still get sad. Which is normal. He was perfect to me- until he stopped taking his medicine. But there are plenty of people out there who would love to love me.. especially because I'm grounded and I know who I am. Andrew doesn't know who he is yet, I know it. He's still learning. He shouldn't be in a relationship yet. I think he's going to find out this year, honestly. I think I was the start of his journey.
Everything will be okay. I shouldn't date someone who gets me down. I should date someone who soars through the clouds with me.
I didn't get wasted. I didn't hook up with exes. I didn't hide under my covers. I didn't send him unclassy texts. I handled it the right way. I filled my time with the people that I love, I wrote my little heart out, I stayed out from underneath my covers, I had one girly cocktail... responsibly, I continued my job search, and I also made plans with him.. as a friend. We bought concert tickets in February and I don't think they should be wasted.
I feel like this is grounds for celebration. Because you know why? Because I know who I am. If I didn't know who I was, I would be a disaster. I would be grabbing onto the earth for dear life, trying to figure out how to live. But no, I know exactly who I am. So it wasn't hard to pick myself back up and dust off my sparkles.
Yes, I still get sad. Which is normal. He was perfect to me- until he stopped taking his medicine. But there are plenty of people out there who would love to love me.. especially because I'm grounded and I know who I am. Andrew doesn't know who he is yet, I know it. He's still learning. He shouldn't be in a relationship yet. I think he's going to find out this year, honestly. I think I was the start of his journey.
Everything will be okay. I shouldn't date someone who gets me down. I should date someone who soars through the clouds with me.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Beautiful city, Beautiful me
I'm outside in my neighborhood right now. Neighbors are walking by. There are kids on the basketball courts. I love this beautiful city. It has so much to offer in terms of togetherness. It's a big puzzle. Take one thing out and it's not complete. That's why I stay here.
Today I reclaimed my neighborhood. I sat by the canal and wrote for hours. I watched the pretty water, I listened as the bikes whistled by. I drank a latte, I smiled at the person that I recognized in the line.
Everything is beautiful to me. The sky, the sun, the little sprouts of onion grass in the yard. I know who I am. I don't think Andrew knows who he is supposed to be yet. There's nothing wrong with that.
Regardless, I'm glad that he set me free. One day I'll be basking in my freedom at a tiny bar with half off nachos. Someone else as free as me (someone who already found himself too) will walk up and that will be history.I'll write him poetry and he'll sing me songs. We'll kiss in our beautiful freedom.
Today I reclaimed my neighborhood. I sat by the canal and wrote for hours. I watched the pretty water, I listened as the bikes whistled by. I drank a latte, I smiled at the person that I recognized in the line.
Everything is beautiful to me. The sky, the sun, the little sprouts of onion grass in the yard. I know who I am. I don't think Andrew knows who he is supposed to be yet. There's nothing wrong with that.
Regardless, I'm glad that he set me free. One day I'll be basking in my freedom at a tiny bar with half off nachos. Someone else as free as me (someone who already found himself too) will walk up and that will be history.I'll write him poetry and he'll sing me songs. We'll kiss in our beautiful freedom.
Pebbles on the beach
What a beautiful day that was perfect in every way. I went home. I talked to my grandmother for hours. She explained that she had the same problems as me. I cried and she comforted me. She made me feel at home. She made me hopeful.
She kept saying, "there are other pebbles on the beach!" She told me not to worry. I love her so much.
Then I went to go visit my parents. We went on a long walk. They gave me bits of life advice and told me what everyone else has been saying, "when you're not looking, he'll be there for you." My dad looked around at the beautiful sunny scene, waved his arms side to side and said "Lookit! You couldn't have picked a better time for this to have happened. It's beautiful out, it's sunny." He's right. He said I need to live in the now and not focus on tomorrow. He said that's what he does.
When I was getting Debby Downer on him he said, "I'M gonna need antidepressants." I love my dad.
I told him and my mom, "What's the reason for living?" Then I jokingly said, "Ice cream. Ice cream is the reason." An hour later, my dad took me and my mom out for ice cream. Not to mention the cute bag of chocolate he gave me for Easter. They also picked me up a scratch off ticket and I won $30. I could have cashed it in back home- but I am going to cash it in at a place in Andrew's neighborhood. I have to reclaim that place anyway.
I love my parents so much. My mom soothed me all day- kept saying that everything will be okay and that I will find someone to love me. And my dad was blunt. Told me that I made mistakes too. Andrew may have hurt me but I hurt him too. That's life. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. Please, universe, help me avoid making the same mistakes again. I don't want to hurt the people that I love.
After enjoying every second with my parents, I went to go visit Nick. He insisted that life will be okay. His parents said that I'm young and not to worry. His dad in particular said, "Let's get lit and forget about your problems." His dad cracks me up. I said to Nick while we were drunk and riding around in his golf cart, "Won't it bother your dad that you're driving your golf cart drunk?"
Shortly afterwards his dad saw us and yelled "Let Nicole drive it!"
So I did. While drunk. Hey, I've been very good in handling this whole thing. I need a little something to keep me going.
As we sat around a campfire toasting marshmallows it hit me. I said to Nick, "You know, now I only have to make one person happy, not two."
I can appreciate that. I don't want to be a selfish person anymore, but I wouldn't mind a little less stress. I want to stop and smell the beautiful roses. And there are plenty of other people in my life that I can pick them for until I meet my prince charming.
I imagine that he's going to walk up to me in a bar in the city one day. My friends will be setting up their instruments, getting ready to play. I'll be standing against a wall with a beer. He'll smile at me. And my drunk self will introduce myself, because that's what I do.
Then we'll live happily ever after. But in the meantime, I should still live happily.
She kept saying, "there are other pebbles on the beach!" She told me not to worry. I love her so much.
Then I went to go visit my parents. We went on a long walk. They gave me bits of life advice and told me what everyone else has been saying, "when you're not looking, he'll be there for you." My dad looked around at the beautiful sunny scene, waved his arms side to side and said "Lookit! You couldn't have picked a better time for this to have happened. It's beautiful out, it's sunny." He's right. He said I need to live in the now and not focus on tomorrow. He said that's what he does.
When I was getting Debby Downer on him he said, "I'M gonna need antidepressants." I love my dad.
I told him and my mom, "What's the reason for living?" Then I jokingly said, "Ice cream. Ice cream is the reason." An hour later, my dad took me and my mom out for ice cream. Not to mention the cute bag of chocolate he gave me for Easter. They also picked me up a scratch off ticket and I won $30. I could have cashed it in back home- but I am going to cash it in at a place in Andrew's neighborhood. I have to reclaim that place anyway.
I love my parents so much. My mom soothed me all day- kept saying that everything will be okay and that I will find someone to love me. And my dad was blunt. Told me that I made mistakes too. Andrew may have hurt me but I hurt him too. That's life. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. Please, universe, help me avoid making the same mistakes again. I don't want to hurt the people that I love.
After enjoying every second with my parents, I went to go visit Nick. He insisted that life will be okay. His parents said that I'm young and not to worry. His dad in particular said, "Let's get lit and forget about your problems." His dad cracks me up. I said to Nick while we were drunk and riding around in his golf cart, "Won't it bother your dad that you're driving your golf cart drunk?"
Shortly afterwards his dad saw us and yelled "Let Nicole drive it!"
So I did. While drunk. Hey, I've been very good in handling this whole thing. I need a little something to keep me going.
As we sat around a campfire toasting marshmallows it hit me. I said to Nick, "You know, now I only have to make one person happy, not two."
I can appreciate that. I don't want to be a selfish person anymore, but I wouldn't mind a little less stress. I want to stop and smell the beautiful roses. And there are plenty of other people in my life that I can pick them for until I meet my prince charming.
I imagine that he's going to walk up to me in a bar in the city one day. My friends will be setting up their instruments, getting ready to play. I'll be standing against a wall with a beer. He'll smile at me. And my drunk self will introduce myself, because that's what I do.
Then we'll live happily ever after. But in the meantime, I should still live happily.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Boring is good
Today, I think, will be a day that will stay in my memory for years to come. Like the day that Bruno told me to enjoy being single. Like the day that I stood outside at 11th and Chestnut and figured out what life was all about.
I know it's corny to talk about Facebook but my status reads as follows: "Above all things, I must stay the little firecracker that I am. The world is dark enough- I need to keep lighting it up." This status was a direct result of the following, which was an email I wrote to my coworker, Larry:
"And so it's happened. I figured it all out. Andrew still hurts. All wounds take a while to heal.. But four people in a matter of 24 hours told me that my greatest quality is that I light up a room just by entering it. I think that's my purpose. A little lantern hopping from room to room. I think I need to relight my lantern and start smiling again, because otherwise I'm like a superhero who doesn't use his/her superpowers."
His response, which was so totally Larry, was "I told you that months ago. You just don't like it or remember when I say it."
I asked Ricky what her favorite thing about me is. She said my "sunny disposition."
I have the best friends in the world. Keith has been there for me, taking me out for Rita's and giving me sassy looks when I get too Debbie Downer on him. Ricky has been hugging me when I cry, talking at about a million miles a second to keep my mind off of what happened.
I have come to peace with what has happened. Mostly because I'm not sad about losing Andrew, per se. I think he has a broken soul and I think he needs to go fix that on his own without any more of my help. I think I was a stepping stone for him, and I am thankful to have led someone in the right direction. At least I hope with every piece of my broken heart that I did. Today I told him that if he ever needs a friend, I'm here. He said that I'm sweet and thanked me. Then he told me that the same goes for me as well.
I wish absolutely nothing but the best for him. And if he ever needs me, I definitely WILL be there.
But you know what, I think he was a necessary step for me to get to where I'm going too. One day I'll look back and understand why I had to deal with all of this pain. You live, you learn.
Some bits of things that people told me over the last 24 hours.
Lynna: "You are SO young. And you should NEVER settle because you are awesome and should be with someone who can totally appreciate all of the awesomeoness you have and keep up with you! You are a person who just enjoys life and being happy. I promise you it gets better! The 20s are seriously the worst. Dating sucks because everyone is going through this weird 'who am I' period and therefore relationships suffer because when you think you know what you want, it changes. Plus you feel pressure to settle down because other people are and then in your 30s all of your friends who got married in the 20s will be getting divorced. So don't fall victim to the pressure! Do your own thing and keep your mind open. You will triumph in the end! I was pretty much engaged to another guy at 25 before Hugh and I am so glad that at 30, I'm still not married and still live life like I'm 20. All of my friends are married and think I'm weird but I don't care. I just don't want you to be sad. My dad told me to stop focusing on finding a relationship and finding the one and just focus on myself. When you truly focus on YOU, someone will notice that and when you least expect it, that someone will come your way."
I responded with "I guess I'll just keep doing my thing. Shows and beer and smiles."
Her response: "Exactly! That's the Nicole we love!"
Megan: "Not all girls are dinosaurs but the ones who are, are awesome. And you'll find another dinosaur who will make your heart roar.
Alyssa: "You are such a sweet and easy going person, there is no way you won't find someone else! Focus on your self for now and they will come along when you least expect it."
Marie: "Nicole you are a beautiful person inside and out. You have yet to reach your potential. You will continue to grow and change throughout your entire life. You will take these difficult times to grow. You already have."
Keith: "I enjoyed seeing you smile tonight. Continue to be happy and only great things will happen."
And what I texted to Nikki, about myself:
"I really think I should stop comparing my life to others. I am Nicole. I am crazy. I am fun. I am a mess. I spill beer on strangers. I smile often and I'm smart- so I should find a good job, but otherwise it's not a big deal cause Nicole isn't like other young professionals. And first and foremost... I can survive being single because I was put on this earth to make others smile.And right now I don't think I can handle two responsibilities.. making people smile AND being a girlfriend. I need to be myself a little bit longer and eventually someone will gravitate towards my light. I needed to date Andrew to rebuild my relationship with my siblings. I needed to date Andrew to realize that my career is just a job. I needed to date Andrew to to realize that my purpose in life is to make others smile. And I needed to date Andrew to realize that things happen for a reason and also when they're good and ready."
I'm going to be okay. I have a good head on my shoulders, mom always told me that. And dad always told me that everything's gonna be alright. And one day my life is going to be boring. Good boring.
Like dad said, "Boring is good."
I know it's corny to talk about Facebook but my status reads as follows: "Above all things, I must stay the little firecracker that I am. The world is dark enough- I need to keep lighting it up." This status was a direct result of the following, which was an email I wrote to my coworker, Larry:
"And so it's happened. I figured it all out. Andrew still hurts. All wounds take a while to heal.. But four people in a matter of 24 hours told me that my greatest quality is that I light up a room just by entering it. I think that's my purpose. A little lantern hopping from room to room. I think I need to relight my lantern and start smiling again, because otherwise I'm like a superhero who doesn't use his/her superpowers."
His response, which was so totally Larry, was "I told you that months ago. You just don't like it or remember when I say it."
I asked Ricky what her favorite thing about me is. She said my "sunny disposition."
I have the best friends in the world. Keith has been there for me, taking me out for Rita's and giving me sassy looks when I get too Debbie Downer on him. Ricky has been hugging me when I cry, talking at about a million miles a second to keep my mind off of what happened.
I have come to peace with what has happened. Mostly because I'm not sad about losing Andrew, per se. I think he has a broken soul and I think he needs to go fix that on his own without any more of my help. I think I was a stepping stone for him, and I am thankful to have led someone in the right direction. At least I hope with every piece of my broken heart that I did. Today I told him that if he ever needs a friend, I'm here. He said that I'm sweet and thanked me. Then he told me that the same goes for me as well.
I wish absolutely nothing but the best for him. And if he ever needs me, I definitely WILL be there.
But you know what, I think he was a necessary step for me to get to where I'm going too. One day I'll look back and understand why I had to deal with all of this pain. You live, you learn.
Some bits of things that people told me over the last 24 hours.
Lynna: "You are SO young. And you should NEVER settle because you are awesome and should be with someone who can totally appreciate all of the awesomeoness you have and keep up with you! You are a person who just enjoys life and being happy. I promise you it gets better! The 20s are seriously the worst. Dating sucks because everyone is going through this weird 'who am I' period and therefore relationships suffer because when you think you know what you want, it changes. Plus you feel pressure to settle down because other people are and then in your 30s all of your friends who got married in the 20s will be getting divorced. So don't fall victim to the pressure! Do your own thing and keep your mind open. You will triumph in the end! I was pretty much engaged to another guy at 25 before Hugh and I am so glad that at 30, I'm still not married and still live life like I'm 20. All of my friends are married and think I'm weird but I don't care. I just don't want you to be sad. My dad told me to stop focusing on finding a relationship and finding the one and just focus on myself. When you truly focus on YOU, someone will notice that and when you least expect it, that someone will come your way."
I responded with "I guess I'll just keep doing my thing. Shows and beer and smiles."
Her response: "Exactly! That's the Nicole we love!"
Megan: "Not all girls are dinosaurs but the ones who are, are awesome. And you'll find another dinosaur who will make your heart roar.
Alyssa: "You are such a sweet and easy going person, there is no way you won't find someone else! Focus on your self for now and they will come along when you least expect it."
Marie: "Nicole you are a beautiful person inside and out. You have yet to reach your potential. You will continue to grow and change throughout your entire life. You will take these difficult times to grow. You already have."
Keith: "I enjoyed seeing you smile tonight. Continue to be happy and only great things will happen."
And what I texted to Nikki, about myself:
"I really think I should stop comparing my life to others. I am Nicole. I am crazy. I am fun. I am a mess. I spill beer on strangers. I smile often and I'm smart- so I should find a good job, but otherwise it's not a big deal cause Nicole isn't like other young professionals. And first and foremost... I can survive being single because I was put on this earth to make others smile.And right now I don't think I can handle two responsibilities.. making people smile AND being a girlfriend. I need to be myself a little bit longer and eventually someone will gravitate towards my light. I needed to date Andrew to rebuild my relationship with my siblings. I needed to date Andrew to realize that my career is just a job. I needed to date Andrew to to realize that my purpose in life is to make others smile. And I needed to date Andrew to realize that things happen for a reason and also when they're good and ready."
I'm going to be okay. I have a good head on my shoulders, mom always told me that. And dad always told me that everything's gonna be alright. And one day my life is going to be boring. Good boring.
Like dad said, "Boring is good."
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Mom and dad
I feel like a girl without a heart. I feel like I dropped it somewhere a few years back when I was on a lonely adventure somewhere. And when it fell out, I don't think the wound healed up either. To this day, I'm in so much pain. You know that phantom pain they say you feel when you lose a limb? Well I have that. I can still feel my heart beating, and that makes it even more painful.
Each and every day I wake up and the blinds are closed. The room is dark. I get my coffee in the dark, I eat my bagel in the dark, I head back up to my bedroom and keep my head under the covers (where it's dark). I'm losing weight but I'm not tightening up, because I'm simply losing weight from lack of appetite. I don't even feel the need to feed myself anymore.
I want to be fed with love, admiration, happiness. I've had all of these before. I've sat in the warm sand and looked up into someone's eyes and felt their warm hand on my bare bikini back. I didn't know what I had. I didn't realize that this doesn't just happen to anyone. I was lucky. And what did I do? I tossed it all away.
Did the universe only have one person like that for me? Was that it? One shot and I blew it?
I hope not, because the days and nights are so cold now that I don't even want to be alive anymore. I want to speed up the cycle and put myself in the grave where I can become apart of the earth. That would make me feel useful.
What do I have to even live for anymore? Mom and dad. That's basically it.
Each and every day I wake up and the blinds are closed. The room is dark. I get my coffee in the dark, I eat my bagel in the dark, I head back up to my bedroom and keep my head under the covers (where it's dark). I'm losing weight but I'm not tightening up, because I'm simply losing weight from lack of appetite. I don't even feel the need to feed myself anymore.
I want to be fed with love, admiration, happiness. I've had all of these before. I've sat in the warm sand and looked up into someone's eyes and felt their warm hand on my bare bikini back. I didn't know what I had. I didn't realize that this doesn't just happen to anyone. I was lucky. And what did I do? I tossed it all away.
Did the universe only have one person like that for me? Was that it? One shot and I blew it?
I hope not, because the days and nights are so cold now that I don't even want to be alive anymore. I want to speed up the cycle and put myself in the grave where I can become apart of the earth. That would make me feel useful.
What do I have to even live for anymore? Mom and dad. That's basically it.
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