Roadblocks

Tonight was beautiful.  I cruised through Germantown with my windows cracked.  I hummed along to some good music.  I observed the wear and tear of the streets on the faces of passersby.  I pulled over for cop cars and ambulances, thanking the universe for giving me such a great life.  I'm healthy, I have a great family who supports me, I have amazing friends who always have my back.

Things are great.

I made an executive decision to evaluate my career in about a year and determine whether or not I should take the LSAT and then apply for law school.  I believe I am perfectly capable, so why not?  My career is very important to who I am as a person.  I believe that I am not done yet.  I still have more stairs to climb and more mountain tops to reach.

I am ready for a challenge.  I can handle anything at this point.  ANYTHING.

After I drove around Germantown I popped a squat in a more tame section of the city, Roxborough.  I talked to a man at the counter of the Dunkin Donuts, I analyzed the woman standing on the side of the street blankly staring into space.  I stayed under an orange-yellow street lamp and tried to write, but didn't get disappointed in myself when I couldn't.  I know this stuff comes when it's ready to come.

You can't rush it.  You can't rush anything.  Good things come to people who wait.

I need to wait.  I need to wait for a relationship because I am still building who I am- I will not be who I truly am until I am fully comfortable relaxing in a particular place of employment.  I need to continue my education, I need to continue to connect with my family, I need to continue to gather lifelong friendships, I need to continue to put my focus into my writing and perfecting myself at my job, and then, one day a long time from now, if I still feel like it...

Then I'll consider a relationship.

But who knows. I don't need anyone to make myself feel complete.  I don't need a man for a house.  I don't need a man for a child.  I can do all of this shit on my own.  I always did up until now.  A man will probably just get in the way.

Just the beginning

Today I got into my car like it was no big deal.  I had my coffee like always, a bagel in my tummy like always, the same lunch that I always have resting by my side.  I took a turn right instead of going straight, but it was like nothing.

I got to a red light and it hit me.  There was a large apartment complex to my left, North Philly to my right.  I realized that I was in my car worrying about Andrew.  Andrew Andrew Andrew.

I remember the day that I had the interview for this new job and I sat in the parking lot worrying about Andrew.  Not an ounce of tension was running through my body, I was too busy being sad about Andrew to worry about this important interview.

For weeks my dad and mom kept asking me, "Hey Nicole, how did that interview go?"  My answer was the same time and time again.  "Mom, I don't want to talk about it."  "Mom, I am not concerned about that, I have bigger problems right now."  "Dad, I am too busy worrying about Andrew to give a shit about that right now."  I kept saying, "This is just a job.  I don't care.  Andrew is more important to me right now."

And then today I walked into the new office like it was nothing.  I talked to my new coworkers like it was nothing.  The attorneys bought the whole office lunch and had a welcome party for me.  I sat there shoveling food into my mouth and answering their questions like this wasn't even a real day.

Also, my many adventures since Andrew have numbed me to my usual insecurities.  I've slept on strangers' couches, I've gotten into dirty vans and went places I've never been, I wandered the streets of Philly like I was wearing a bullet proof vest and had a body guard by my side, which I didn't.

I've been so nonchalant.  It's crazy.

And I'm so glad.  Thank you Andrew, for that.  Thank you for numbing me to shit and making me transition easily into a great career move that I will never regret.  Today I sat in the conference room with my new attorney until 5:30 chatting up a storm with him.  He said, "Nicole you're smart and you're a quick learner, I can tell.  This won't take you long."  My confidence was beaming.  I said, "I got this.  Don't worry."  He said he wants me to learn every single thing in the office.  I told him "No problem, I'm excited."

I am so thankful for every single beautiful thing that has fallen into my world.  I hate you Andrew, I do.  You broke my heart harder than anyone else in the whole universe.  You literally shook me to the core.  But at the same time, thank you for your encouragement and the numbness that you have given me.  So at the same time, I love you with all of my heart for giving me the disposition that I needed to get where I am.

And I'm not done yet.  I still have more stairs to climb.  This is just the beginning of an excellent career, I'm sure.

I know I will

There is nothing better than driving back into your city after you've been gone awhile.  On the way back Keith and I were in the Jeep.  I was rocking a bright blue bikini and bright sunglasses.  We were covered in sand and dried saltwater.  We got off of the bridge and got directly off in South Philly and took the long way through Southwest Philly, Center City, and Northwest Philly.  Everything was so beautiful to me.

I came home and opened my windows.  From one window I saw and heard a bunch of kids playing basketball on the court. Outside my back window behind the rowhouses my neighbor was blasting loud music and talking above it to a neighbor a few houses down.  I love it here.  I love the noise.

This whole weekend was weird.  Ricky, Keith and I went to a monster truck show.  We got wasted in the car and Ricky got into a fight with a big big man.  They were verbally arguing for a solid 15 minutes and it ended with "You will die in a fiery car crash."  It was ridiculous.  Keith and I were like "..."  Also, it was pouring rain so we were all soaking wet.

Then I went to Cape May and hung out with people who are actually crazier than me.  It was a nice awakening.  One high/wasted girl lost her cell phone on the roof, was talking to inanimate objects, eventually sat in a pond, ended up naked on the floor and then was fucked in the living room right next to me.

Everyone else was taking pills and they were all nuts.  Bedtime was around 5am.  There was a dance party in a shed with an abundance of twerking and flying hot coals.  I slapped a beautiful girl's ass with her permission and scissored another guy's girlfriend with his permission.

It was just a weird weekend.  I also got into a car accident with Keith. Mind you, he was on probation and wasn't supposed to be out of the state.  ...And through all of this I had really bad laryngitis and couldn't talk.

The best parts of the weekend were when I walked up to the beach alone and wrote poetry.  I love being alone at times.  I'm glad that I have a friend who understands that and lets me go off on my own when I hang out with him.

I talked a lot about _____ to the girls at the beach this weekend.   They made me feel better.  But that's only ever temporary.  It'll be back.  I know it will.  At least this time.

What's wrong with me

Life isn't easy.  I'm talking to my ex Chris about how I've evolved over the last two years.  I remember somewhere in those two years I sat on my stoop.  I had eyeliner running down my face, lipstick smears on my cheeks, a cigar in my hand, and a bottle of wine in my tummy.  I looked defeated.  I was played, I was hurt by my family, I hurt my family, and I was having hallucinations that resulted in me locking myself in my apartment now and then.

It was rough.

But who am I now?  I'm a strong woman.  I feel weak as shit because Andrew broke my heart, but that's normal.  I have a great job, I have a great connection with my family, I have the best friends a girl could ask for, I have hobbies, I take care of my body, I don't drink much, I call my mom and dad every day, I travel to every part of the city on a weekly basis, I relax every Sunday with a Sangria and nachos outside at a bar, I pay my bills, I only have student debt, I have my beautiful grandmother to love, I have excellent references at every place I've ever worked, I love who I am, and most importantly, I know who I am.

But I'm very sad.  I miss him very much.  Every fucking day.  I sit here and my friends make me talk about the things that were bad about him.  I used to struggle but now I can recite them like the ABCs.  But it doesn't help... because I know deep down that I had to search for those.  That they were hidden deep under the many many great things about Andrew.  He just didn't want to be with me.  That hurts.

Everyone keeps saying, "His loss."  Ha, his loss.  You sure about that?  I think he's doing great without me.

I guess theoretically I'm doing great without him too.  But holy shit do I want him back.  He doesn't want me.  Hard to stop thinking, "What's wrong with me?"

I feel like a misfit toy.  Like a broken girl who has nothing and is worth nothing.  I don't even want to be alive right now.  Can I die just for tonight?

Belmont ave

My mom asked me how my day went.  I said "It was really good.  I feel better today than I have felt in a while.  One day at a time.  I'm sure I'll have rough days ahead of me but days like today make me feel hopeful.  I do love my life and this beautiful city."

Today was beautiful.  I woke up.  I ate breakfast alone with a cup of coffee made with rare beans.  They were randomly gifted to me by a South Philly friend who works at a coffee roasting factory.  Then Ricky joined me in my room and we giggled over people's online dating profiles until we woke up her girlfriend.

Then Keith and I enjoyed sangrias and mimosas outside on a bustling street in Northwest Philly.  We soaked up the sun and we were all smiles together.  We walked while tipsy down along the canal and watched turtles get pecked at by ducks.  Keith and I are so easily amused.  Then we went to West Philly, grabbed some ice cream, walked along Baltimore Avenue, wandered through a West Philly park, and headed home.  I stopped my car on Belmont Avenue on the way to write a poem.

Yesterday Keith and I drove up to New Hope.  We sat at an outside bar and drank beer while music blared over the loudspeakers and drag queens walked by (it was New Hope Pride).  We cruised with the top down on his Jeep and blasted music.  I let my hair whip around until it was gigantic knot.  Every second was great.

I have great friends, I do.  I have a great family too.  I am thankful for every breath that I'm lucky enough to have on this beautiful earth.  I love the stars, the sun, the way the red bricks looked under my feet in West Philly.  I have so many reasons to be happy.  I'm not going to let some fucking boy get me down.

I don't share poetry online much, but here's what I wrote today on Belmont Avenue.  Keep in mind that this has yet to undergo a massive amount of editing.  Sometimes I edit poetry for years before it's right.  Here, this one is for Andrew:

Belmont Avenue

I'm gonna be your biggest regret.
The way the ice cream dripped on my tender breasts,
but I let you squeeze them anyway.
The way my brain was bigger than my head, but I stuffed it in there,
and it was bigger than your hollow skull,
your empty heart beating on my solid chest,
it was confused and unused for so long.
We were meant to meet on Smick Street at the corner,
where that beer you like soaked into my nude push up bra,
soaked into my head and let me love you to the fullest extent.
And you looked me in my brown eyes
and said that you changed your mind.
You changed your mind?
I didn't even think you had one.

I told him "meh." My night was "meh."

Today was alright.  I got into my car and drove to a pretty cathedral.  Like 80 birds pooped on my car window.  I wrote a poem about Jesus as a bunch of weirdos walked past my car and someone stopped to smell the roses.

Then I cruised through the city for an hour.  I swear, I am going to know every section like the back of my hand before the summer ends.  I zigzagged through the Northeast, North, and Northwest.  Right now I feel like I know West Philly the least.  I guess I should put that on my to-do list.  I've hung out there a bit.. but basically just on Baltimore Ave.

Then I came home and thought about how pathetic Andrew is.  I can find my happiness within myself.  I know it's in there.  I see a glimpse of it now and then.  I don't think he has happiness within himself.  At least not right now.  If he had happiness inside him right now, he wouldn't be trying to fill a void with dating sites.

I don't think I have a void.  I think I'm just struggling to get a grip, really.  This knocked me off my feet and I just have to regain stability.  As Chris said, I have to get up and dust off my sparkles.

Ricky is trying to convince me to go downstairs and watch a movie with her and her girlfriend.  I just want to soak in the silence in my room.  It's kind of beautiful.  This whole fucking city is beautiful.  Tonight as I was driving down forgotten streets, everything looked so pretty to me.  I thought, "This is my home." It is.

And as I drove up to the big wall and the city park that's adjacent to my little red brick rowhome, I looked at the idling car that often hangs out and the teenage boy dribbling a basketball down the sidewalk.  I saw the police lights in the distance, I saw the cameras on the corner with their big blue light.. I heard a neighbor's car door slam and the dog barked at me once because he wanted me to know that he knew I was home .

This is where I belong.  I love my life.  I love my friends, my family, my career, my education, my car, my room, my bed, my pajamas.  I love who I am too, but I have to learn to appreciate what I have to offer again.  Andrew made me feel insufficent (You know- 'Why didn't he want me?").

I am not insufficient.  I am not inadequate.  Fuck, I need to do some meditation and repeat some positive affirmations. Things will get better for me. They fucking have to.

Summertime freckles

In the summer, my summer freckles float through the screen in the window and plop themselves on my sun-kissed face.  I like those.  The air is blowing, my friends are smiling, the ice cream has been plentiful.  I have so many fucking reasons to be happy, to be thankful to this forgiving and selfless universe.

I feel like I'm living with a big gross icky bug and it's trying to make it's way through the little holes in my screen window, but it's struggling.  Once it does, I can relax in my summer freckles and live without a care in my Batman-wallpapered bedroom.

I've been spending a lot of time with Keith.  I am so lucky to have him.  Between craft fairs, Mexican restaurants, ice cream on the avenue, texts that always put a smile on my face, and seeing him wink at my from his new yellow motorcycle.. I feel like he's helping me heal.  Ricky too.  I love coming home to her beautiful smiling face.  I see her sitting on the couch with her book and puppy and I can't help but smile.

Things are fucking good.  I got a great new job.  I'll be making more money, I'll have a shorter commute, and I'll have a better boss.  I've been spending time with my beautiful parents.  I'm growing a stronger bond with my family in general.  I've been sitting in my grandma's comfy kitchen talking about the future and how promising it is for me.  I have a nice car, a nice place to live, I'm healthy, my loved ones are healthy.  I love my neighborhood and Philly in general.  When the avenue doesn't quench my thirst, I drive along Kelly Drive, I cruise downtown, I walk around South Philly or grab a drink in NoLibs.

I am lucky.  I should be thankful for every beautiful thing that I am lucky enough to have.

But.. Andrew left me.  I'm still bruised up pretty fucking bad.  It hurts.  I'm confused.  It's a toss up between "I HATE HIM" and "I miss him so much that I don't even know what to do" and "I can find someone better" and "I'll never find someone better."  My head is fucking scrambled.  I told Keith that I feel like it's that song by Lady Gaga.  He ate my heart and then he ate my brain.

He ate my brain and I feel like it made me temporarily blind.  I can't fucking see all of the beautiful things in my world.  I mean, I can see them.. but I can't feel them.  It's like he rubbed his shit all over my happiness sensor and I haven't been able to fully clean it off yet.

One of these days, I hope, I will wake up and all I'll need is the wind, the sunshine, and my summertime freckles.  I'll wake up with a beautiful smile and want to hug all of the beautiful people in my life.  I'll also feel comfortable in my own skin again.

I swear I'm the luckiest girl in the universe.  One of these days I'll be able to bask in that.  All of the shiny rays from all of this beauty will soak into my skin and make me feel the way that they're supposed to make me feel.  Then I can hopefully start paying back the universe for being so good to me.

I want to be a good person from now on.  I want to think hard about every decision, be a little selfless, be a little selfish, but most of all, I just want to be a well-rounded, good-hearted person who makes good decisions for myself and good decisions that will positively affect other people.

Blah blah blah

What does my life look like right this second?

I came home.  I drove 70 miles to get here.  (I visited my mom and dad today.)  When I entered the city, I smiled.  This is where I belong.  I love my mom and my dad, but my heart beats best in the city.

When I entered the front door of the red brick rowhome that I live in, I had many bags.  My high roommate and her high girlfriend greeted me with smiling eyes.  I smiled back.  I said, "I have a headache."  Ricky giggled and said, "do you want some pot?"

I laughed and walked up the stairs.

I'm in bed right now.  I'm wearing comfy black sweatpants.  I just gave myself a facial and brushed my teeth.  In front of me there's a wrapped bottle of Jameson for Ricky (her birthday is on Monday).

As I brushed my teeth, Ricky yelled for me to go downstairs so I could laugh at pictures with her.  I did.

Things are good, really.  I had a great day with my grandmother.  Talked to her for hours and hours.  I love her so much.  She gave me good advice (to never EVER go back to Andrew).  "To hell with him!" she said.  My dad always says that too whenever he gets pissed at someone.

I loved spending time with my parents today too.  I vented to my mom for hours and hours and hours.  Between crying all morning, and venting all afternoon.. I'm glad Ricky got me to do some smiling.

Jesus Christ, even on my good days this is one hell of an uphill battle.  One day at a time I guess.  It's only been a little bit over a month.

It is what it is

I am going to be honest.  I am very sad tonight.  It grabbed me by the hood of my sweatshirt and I fell backwards, because I don't have any footing tonight.  For some reason I can't stop thinking about him.

I want this to go away.  I don't want to think about his beautiful eyes or his luscious, soft lips.  He told me he loved me.  I guess he has no idea what love really is.  I want to find someone who truly knows what love is.

Taking back the city

I thought today was beautiful.  Because today I was Nicole, I smiled a lot, and I accepted the fact that I am fucking happy.  I really melted into my happiness and let it take over every inch of my giddy body.

I woke up early.  I had a nice warm bagel and a cup of coffee.  I drank a glass of orange juice.  I chatted with my roommate and her girlfriend.

I drove to the river and watched it flow.  I attempted to write some poetry while I was there.  Took the long way home through North Philly.  Zigzagged up to the Northwest and watched all of the people walking along Main Street as I cruised with my windows down.  When I made it home I ate some carrots and mixed some nuts and cherries and soy milk into some oatmeal.  I wrote a bit more and invited Keith over.

After hanging out with my roommate and her girlfriend for a minute, we headed back to Main Street to eat at a Mexican restaurant.  I filled up on nachos and sangria.  Then we walked up the canal towpath for at least a mile.  We stopped where me and _____ always used to go.  I got sad for a second but it was okay.  We found a secret stairway up to Roxborough, which led us straight to the bar that me and _____ always used to go to.

Again, got sad for a second, but it was okay.

Then we hopped into the Jeep, blasted some music and zigzagged through North Philly and Center City down to South Philly.  We wandered the streets, went into a sex toy shop, creeped on beautiful women.  Then we went back up to the Northwest.  We had some ice cream, went up to the basketball courts to chill for a minute, and then went on a quick cruise through Germantown.

It was a nice day.  I was HAPPY.

WAS happy, keyword.  As soon as I got into bed I thought of him again and it overtook my body. I miss how happy his presence made me.  Even when he was grumpy, his beautiful grumpy face made my heart glow.  But it gets easier each day, I swear.  One of these days everything will be okay.

One of these days

Theoretically I had a great few days.  Thursday night I went to a bar in South Philly and danced with a cute pierced punk nurse from center city.  He was cute.  I don't know his name and I'll probably never see him again, but that was the point.  I just wanted to smile for a few minutes.  Listen to some good music and smile.

But I didn't smile.  I tried so SO hard.

Friday I went to my friends' new home in South Philly.  It was beautiful.  They have a beautiful little courtyard.  It's like paradise in the middle of abandoned rowhomes, locked up businesses, and a weird industrial feel.  Usually that would put a smile on my face.  Seeing a little slice of heaven like that in the city.  Looking at the vines as they creep up the side of the rowhome next door.

But no, no smile.  Again, I tried so hard.

After that I was jammed into a tightly packed band van with four members of my friends' new band.  They drove us to Brooklyn and we hung out at the friendliest bar I've been to.  I flirted with a cute guy who gave me all of his attention.  I sat in a smoky van with a weird Jamaican artist who draws penises doing weird things for a living.

But yeah, no smile.

This morning I walked to a coffee house in Brooklyn with a good friend.  We drank espresso and ate croissants while talking about sex and drugs.  I popped a smile.. for a millisecond, but it dissipated and it didn't come back.

So then I went back to South Philly to part with my friends and then needed to head up to Northwest Philly.  As I drove through a congested center city I started crying and I was MAD.  Fucking FUMING mad.  I was thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing wrong?  I'm not getting wasted, I'm not pursuing a rebound, I'm not doing drugs, I'm not trying to fight to get Andrew back.

I'm focusing on my career, I'm doing all of the things that used to make me happy pre-Andrew, and I'm spending all of my time on friends and family.  What in the fuck is going on?  It was like Andrew was an upper that I was addicted to and he cut my supply.  I don't know how to be happy.  I literally do every single thing in my power to be happy and I just cannot be happy.  Do I forget how?

So I called my mom in busy center city traffic both crying and yelling.  I didn't mention what's his face.  I just said.. I don't fucking get it.  Theoretically I'm doing everything right.  Why can't I find my happiness?

My dad grabbed the phone.  As always, he immediately had something brilliant to say to me.

"Nicole, you ARE happy.  You just don't even know it."

I stumbled over my words and I said.. "I think you're right."  My dad told me to focus on my career.  To do my absolute best for 8 whole months and he'd gift me with tuition money for a program that I want to take.

I have the best dad in the world.  I swear.  I love him so much.  He doesn't understand how much he means to me.  My mom is great too.  She said, "Nikki, you should be proud of yourself."

So yes, I believe that I am happy.. I just forget how to feel it I suppose.  To really truly feel it when it's actually occurring.  Because I look back now and think "Holy crap I had a good couple of days there." I think I just need to give it time and then I'll remember how to feel the happiness as it is actually happening.

So my parents made me smile.  I went from angry to happy very fast through that phone call.  I spoke to my mom from Lombard to Kelly.  I said, "Mom, the Schuylkill River looks beautiful today."

I decided that I'm close to getting over Andrew.  I'm at the angry stage.  I'm angry at him for numbing me.  I'm angry at him for being a selfish prick.  I'm angry at him for hurting me, for manipulating me into thinking that our relationship was something that it wasn't.   Also, I'm done making excuses for him.  I'm done feeling sorry for him. He didn't take any action to make himself better- do I really want to be with someone like that?

Also, flirting with all these cute, smart, put-together men in South Philly and Brooklyn made me realize that guys like Andrew are a dime a dozen.  I'll be okay.  I don't want a relationship ANY time soon.  Not until my heart heals.  But when the time comes where I'm ready, I'll be okay.  I'm only 26 and as my grandmother said, "there are other pebbles on the beach."

Anyway, I had a great weekend and it's only Saturday. Holy shit it feels good to type that.