Kiffles and tea

I think this post is going to be very important to me one day.  I love my grandmother with all of my heart.  I've never had a negative feeling for her in my entire 24 years on this planet.  Let me preface this by explaining how she's my grandmother, but not really my actual grandmother.  My dad was raised by her because his mother didn't really have the funds to raise him.  All of my blood grandparents died years ago, but this grandmother, my "grammy," is still alive and kickin' at 83.

She lives alone because her husband died a long time ago.  She's a beautiful little blond wavy-haired lady with a cute smile. She loves to cook.  She spends hours upon hours baking and cooking for my dad and everyone else that comes to visit.  She's very social.  She'll spend hours talking to anyone about anything.  She loves to sit out back on her porch with her black coffee and one of her many yummy baked goods.  Sometimes she switches it out for black tea. 

She's very clean.  Her house is always completely spotless and I get that from her.  Sometimes she says things in German, like "schauen."  She cooks a lot of easy German dishes that I don't know how to pronounce, but they're so good.  She also loves gardening and always has pretty flowers surrounding her cute little house.

She's a democrat at heart.  She always agrees with me politically.  She has quite a "live and let live" attitude towards life.  She gets so excited when I come to visit her.  She offers me every single thing in her fridge and gets upset if I don't eat every single thing in her fridge.  She gives me a big warm smile and a big hug when I get there, and the same thing when I leave.  She always tries to shove a hundred or a fifty in my purse, along with about 5 tupperware containers filled with food.

She loves to gossip.  She always wants every tiny detail about my life and always prods for more.  It's cute.  She loves when I bring my friends over and she prods them for even more information, and she also offers them every single thing in her fridge.

She is so cute and losing her will most definitely be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to go through.  It hurts me so bad just to think about it.

I have a bunch of recipes that she hand-wrote just for me.  Along with a letter.  I'll cherish those until the day that I die.

I don't have many people in my life who love me like she loves me.  I think my dad does.  I think my dad really loves me with every single piece of his heart.  But he doesn't show it like my grandmother does.  She's not my blood grandmother but she treats me like I am.  I'm so thankful to have her in my life. I can't imagine what my life would have been without her.  Dark and sad.  My parents never had much of anything.  I grew up around drug addiction, alcoholism, and just all around sadness.  She always helped my parents financially.   I looked up to her so much and wanted the nice, easy life that she had. 

She always brings up my grandfather ("pappy") who died a long time ago.  "Nikki, Pappy would have liked..."  "Nikki, Pappy loved you so much."  She's so cute.

I saw her yesterday.  Whenever I go to the Lehigh Valley, I visit her.  I visit her before I visit my parents.  I stay at her house for a few hours and talk about life. This Saturday was fun.

She knows that most of my friends are gay.  We talked about gay marriage and adoption for an hour or two.  She asked me about gay bars and such.  She's such a liberal at heart but also a product of her time.  It's so innocent and cute.  "Nikki, I don't know about gay marriage, we never did that in our time."  But she says it in such a cute, innocent way.  And it never takes much to convince her of viewpoints like that.  I told her, "Grammy, when two people love one another and want to commit to a lifetime together, why should they be denied that right?"  And she tilted her head, thinking about it deeply.

She told me, "Nikki, I was talking to my sister.  I was saying to her, 'but what do gay men talk about?'" I giggled.  She asked me what I talk about with my gay friends.  She's so cute.  She tries so hard to understand but it just comes down to the fact that she's a product of her time.  I like that.  It's not ignorance at all.  If she was born sixty years later, I know she'd be totally for gay marriage.  She said to me, "Well, white people weren't allowed to marry black people either and now they do all of the time.  And I know a lot of black people who are nice."  lol!  

Anyway, I just want to say that she means the world to me.  My first tattoo will most likely be for her, and I've said that for years and years.  I love tattoos on other people but I'm not a big fan of getting them on myself.  However, she is so incredibly important to me and the thought of her will always put a smile on my face until the day that I die.  *sigh*

Wasting my energy

I don't think life will ever make sense.  Whenever I tell someone who is older than me that I'm lost and confused, they tell me that they're lost and confused too and that it's a lifetime struggle.  That being said, to an extent I'll have to get used to this feeling.

I should be proud of myself.  I'm 24 years old and I reside in a cute little apartment by myself in suburban Philly.  I have a bachelor's degree.  My resume looks amazing for my age, given the economy.  I'm a writer and I've been offered a paid writing job, which is something a writer can always cherish.  I have a pretty active social life at the moment.  I spend most of my weekends in center city or Manayunk, drinking and dancing with some of the most interesting people this city has to offer.

I also have quite the personality myself.  Within two days of working at the law firm, my coworker turned to me and said, "What the hell are you doing here?  You are too interesting for this job.  I feel like you're going to be famous one day."

I laughed.  Not just because it's bizarre to hear someone say that.  But also because that's definitely not the first (or second or third) time someone has said that to me.

I should be very happy.  And you know what, I guess I am happy.  I'm very happy.  I take charge of my life, head straight for the things that I want, and always obtain what I was seeking.  I think I'm rather ambitious and I think there's a lot of dignity in that.  However, I am happy but there is still a big problem in my life.

I am not okay with my sexual orientation.  Not one bit.  I don't want to be gay but I was meant to be gay.  I try to force myself out of it, but it is something that can't be "forced out."  It is something that I can't change and that is absolutely devastating to me.  I always obtain what I'm seeking, but heterosexuality is something that I'll never be able to obtain.

I just want to be myself and I want people to love me for who I am, and some people do, but a lot of people do not.  And I'm, sadly, one of those people who does not love who I am.  I was with a guy for five long years and I made it work, but I went absolutely insane by year four and had to end it.

And here I am, being a fool.  Talking to a guy.  Trying to make it work because I want so bad to be (dare I say it?) normal.  I just want to be a normal straight girl with a boyfriend.  But I'm not straight.  I hardly like men at all.  I can look at them and say "Oh that's hot" and I can even make out with them and have sex with them, but I can't really be with one.  I can't break another boy like I broke Kevin.  I know who I am.

So, this guy knows about my sexuality and my inability to accept myself and he wants me to just be who I truly am, but here I am trying to force it to work.  I mean, he's adorable, he's intelligent, we have a bunch in common... theoretically it would work.  But in reality, he's a boy and I shouldn't force it to work.  Because four years from now, I'd go absolutely insane and add another boy to the list of boys who I hurt.

I've hurt too many people.  I am being selfish and stupid.

My friend Alex from up North (who is gay) asked me why I wish I was straight.  I told him that it's easier.  And it is.  I've never had problems getting attention from guys.  Finding a boyfriend for me is a piece of cake.  Alex agreed that the gay community is more difficult. This is what he said and I was like BINGO:

"Everyone of the opposite sex is seeking you and in the gay world its 50/50. 50% you seeking them, 50% them seeking you.  In the straight world guys will ALWAYS seek you."

And in addition to the whole ease factor, I have to hide who I am to an extent.  I explained to "kiss in the rain boy" that whenever my parents are planning on coming to my apartment, I hide everything that remotely links me to the gay community.  I remember once (it'll sound silly) crying as I tore things off of my refrigerator because I was expecting my parents in the morning, thinking to myself "I just want to be myself and I want them to accept me for who I am."

But what it comes down to is that even I don't accept who I am.  This is a big problem.

I fucking hate who I am. And it's the biggest waste of energy because I can't change it.  I. like. women.  That's that.  It's the way that I'm wired.  I can't change my wiring.  But I also can't change the fact that I don't accept the way that I'm wired.

Acceptance is by far one of the most difficult things in the whole entire world.  It comes with time and that's all that there is to it.  You can tell me a million times that I should accept who I am, but that won't do a thing. That's not at all how acceptance works.  It's so fucking tricky.  My mom can't just "accept" the fact that I'm gay.  It's not easy.  And I guess I can finally relate to her.  It's fucking hard.  When you don't accept something, you just don't accept it.

I don't know.  I'm babbling.  I should be happy with myself given all of my accomplishments.  This is ridiculous.  What a silly thing to be so upset over.

Britney Spears in 2007

I don't even know what is going on with me.  I chopped off my hair,  I quit my job, I started looking at apartments an hour north of where I currently live... and I kissed a boy in the rain for like two hours.  I'm having a "Britney Spears in 2007" moment.  Don't let me near any umbrellas.

My new job as a paralegal is interesting.  It's very serious.  Everyone is quiet and they all speak law, so I feel like I'm in another country.  I'm picking it up fast, however, due to my experience at the insurance company.  It's very private.  I can't leave papers turned upright on my desk or leave my desk without locking my computer.  I'm quickly adapting to the environment, however.

So I discussed the job, now I'll discuss my apartment situation.  My lease ends in October.  Should I stay or should I go?  If I stay, great.  If I go, I'm moving up to the Lehigh Valley to be around my mom, who hates me, my dad, my grandmother, and some of my best friends in the universe.  I'm starting to think that I'm going to stay, simply because this area makes me very happy.

Now the boy.  Oh god.  Yes, I still identify as a lesbian.  Yes, he knows I like girls.  Yes, I've been spending a large chunk of my free time talking to him.  Yes, we are hanging out on Friday and Sunday.  And yes, I think he's pretty awesome.  I'm just going with the flow.  Whatever.  I don't care anymore.  He's fun to kiss and talk about zombies with.  That and he's completely accepting and respectful of my sexuality. (He's going to Philly Pride with me on Sunday!)

Oh, and Keely and I are really rocky.  She's driving me off the fucking wall, to be honest.  She's way too sensitive.  And usually I'm good at walking on eggshells but recently, with my random "Britney Spears in 2007" moment, I just can't take and I called her a bitch.  And her, being sensitive, took it much harder than a typical female would take it. And I mean, a typical female wouldn't take it that well to begin with.  I'm just sick of her bullshit.  I apologized and all, but I really don't know how I feel about being best friends with someone who is so easily set off.

Kevin's mom is distraught about Kevin.  She's been looking to me for comfort.  That's kind of hard because I'm pretty sure we're all distraught about Kevin.  His baby momma is controlling and crazy.  And she's popping out babykev in August.

My mom and I fixed our broken relationship once again.  Ugh.  And my father and I have been closer these last few days than we've been since I was a little girl and we used to go fishing together.  I like it.  I hope it stays this way.  He's a great dad.  He's really been showing me that he cares.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  I like it when he calls me to ask how I'm doing.  He hasn't done that in years.

ANYTHING ELSE?!  I think I covered it all.  Sheesh.

Shitty people.

Last night I was down in the dumps.  My friends' band was playing in the city so I decided to go by myself.  I sat down at the bar and realized that I knew the bartender, which was great because I got free shots all night.

And then I started talking to a guy.  And he was very intelligent.  And then we kissed in the rain all night.  It was so random.  And I feel horrible.

I feel horrible because I know that I should never rope another guy in after what I did to Kevin.  I'm just a shitty person, really.