Nigerian Prince

I love Will. He is too freaking funny. Will is single and mingling and decided to play around on eHarmony a tiny bit. A beautiful model started talking to him and giving him her entire life story.

This was the most elaborate scam ever. She talked about everything from her childhood years to her current times in the UK doing a photoshoot. And then she said that she missed her return flight to the US and needed $650 because she was broke. She was broke because someone bought $600 worth of cell phones with her credit card.

Will isn't stupid. He initially traced her IP address to Kansas. And then the next one to California. He found this intriguing so he decided to find her exact location. He made a link that she could click on that would bring her to his company's website, but would also track where she really lived. (If it was a she).

He talked more about her troubles and then said that he was in a contest at work to see who would get the most unique visitors to their website. He gave her the link and VOILA! "Hot model" lives in Lagos, Nigeria.

His next response was... "How's the weather in Lagos?" AHAHAHAHA.

Oatmeal and the Hottest Girl Ever

Unemployment is the most fun thing ever. I mean, it has it's downfalls. The whole entire "oh my god I am going to starve to death" thing is one of them. But honestly, I sleep in as late as I want, I go out every single night, I live on oatmeal and coffee. It's great. I don't even know what day of the week it is anymore.

Last night two wonderful girls that I've never hung out with before (I met one on a couch at a party) volunteered to give me a ticket to Bruno's band's show in Philly after hearing about my financial woes.

Within five minutes of getting to the bar, one of them handed me a drink. As she put it, "Here, would you like some vodka with a splash of cranberry juice." So I'm sure you know where that ended.

Some of my fellow unemployed ex-coworkers showed up, which was fun. "So what have you been doing with your life?" "You know, sitting on my couch all day eating potato chips and being unemployed." "Oh yeah, me too. It's great."

Bruno worked with me at the coffee house and at one point he yelled, "Oh my god Nicole! Large vanilla latte and a warm herb pretzel is here!" It's so funny that whenever we see an ex-regular from the coffee house, we remember them by their orders. "Oh look! There's double shot with one Splenda and a splash of soy!"

In other news, at the bar last night I saw the hottest lesbian ever.

This happens now and then. Now and then I find a girl that I look at and seriously think is the hottest lesbian I have ever and will ever see in my entire life. I stared this poor girl down like she was an art exhibit at the PMA.

I'm such a creep, I swear.

She noticed that I noticed her. It almost became a game. I want to kick myself for not dragging my drunk ass over to her and introducing myself. Bruno told me I should, and typically I would but for some reason I didn't. Damn it, I really need to listen to Bruno more often. He always steers me in the direction that I want to go.

I'll see her again. Every time I find a girl at a show, I happen to find her at another one.

Tomorrow will be my gay lunch

I'm eating peanut butter swirl ice cream for breakfast. I had the best dream ever last night, even though it technically should have been filed under the "nightmare" category.

I was with the boys and to avoid getting hit by a train, Will drove us off of a cliff.

That should concern me because I hang out with the boys on a nightly basis and Will always drives us home. Last night, for instance, he drove us home.

I got completely wasted by total accident and danced with Keith all night. And then stared creepily at girls with Will. Fun times. Unfortunately it was a complete sausage fest last night.

Tomorrow I'm going to see my parents for the first time since August. This should be fascinating. I'm also going to hang out with some friends. My friend Alex and his boyfriend just got a new apartment and they're going to make me lunch. How cute.

Alex giving me directions to their new place: "Ok, as you come down you will see a big white mansion and a big gray mansion. We live in the gray one."

I want to take pole dancing lessons

I visited the coffee house for my last set of tips. It's so sad. The windows are all boarded up and they're packing everything up. Supposedly a couple of reporters have been going there to get interviews. It was actually the first of it's kind, which is why it's receiving attention. I miss it already. I had so much fun there.

Yesterday was my first single Valentine's Day in four years. Kevin was my Valentine because we decided that we were "tentative Valentines unless something better comes along." lol

He's my best friend ever, I swear. We actually both have ladies that we talk to, but it's nothing serious for either of us. Just some fun.

I actually had a very interesting Valentine's Day. I randomly ended up going out with a girl for dinner and a movie. We shared a really yummy Mediterranean pizza and chocolate covered strawberries. We also saw Gnomeo and Juliet, which was the cutest thing ever.

Then I went home and invited myself into Kevin's man date with Keith.

Kevin: Me and Keith are going to get dinner together.

Me: That's gay.

Keith: No, we're just two men going on a date together on Valentine's Day.

Kevin: A straight date.

I love the boys to death. All of them. Especially Will. When I was drunk and dropped my chicken nugget on the ground, he picked it up and blew it off for me. Now that's a good friend.

Worst Fucking Night Ever

Last night was the most ridiculous drunken night of my life. It was worse than the time I woke up naked in a hallway and worse than the time I fell off the top of a bunk bed head first and peed myself. It was bad. And by "bad".. I mean really fucking bad.

My friend Bruno is in a band and I had this (at the time) brilliant idea to go see him play with a bunch of people. Um. I'm still piecing things together. And I'm actually still pretty drunk. Yes, 1pm and I'm still drunk.

I woke up to three drunk guys, one sober guy, a burn in the carpet, a burn on my hand, and the lingering scent of puke, beer, and cigarettes.

Apparently I made out with three girls. Um, don't remember that. Well, I remember one of them. She was really hot. Oh and apparently I was biting my friend Will, hardly remember that. And how can I forget the 8 videos of me making out with a guy?

Upon waking up all five of us were sitting in a circle in the living room and I announced that he confirmed my lesbianism. Ahahahahaha! Kevin started laughing and I had to remind him that he was the first one to confirm my lesbianism.

I am never drinking like that ever again. NEVER. I thought I was going to die. I seriously thought I was going to die. I was crying my eyes out.

Apparently when I burned my hand, I didn't even notice. And like, 8 minutes later they noticed the burn mark on my hand and when they told me about it, I started crying in pain. That's bad. Really bad. I mean, I couldn't even taste the alcohol anymore. I don't even know what the fuck I was drinking...

I half expected to find a tiger in my bathroom this morning, I swear. I need to get a shower...

Permanent Marker

Seriously? Did last night really happen? Um, at one point I remember drunkenly turning my head to the right to see Kevin with one lesbian sitting on his lap and another one giving him a shoulder massage.

Too funny. What a crazy night.

Yesterday was the last day that the coffee house was open, so we had a party complete with free drinks and two gigantic cakes. A ton of people came and it was fun. Afterwards we all went to a bar and within about 20 minutes I was all vodka-ed up and getting piggy back rides and enthusiastic hugs from my lesbian friends.

After that we went midnight bowling and I just got even more drunk. I honestly don't even remember bowling. But apparently I did. I was just too drunk to notice. I also don't even remember getting home.

I never thought I'd end up hanging out with Kevin at a bowling alley with lesbians. So weird. My life has changed so much. Oh and Kevin loves them to death. He wants to hang out with them again.

Anyway, I woke up with permanent marker on my face and weird notes in my purse. I guess that's a sign of a good night.

Wow. What a night.

Wow. Holy crap and a half. So my dog died and I lost my job in one week. And my car's battery and window broke so it's been at the shop, which has been scaring the heck out of me. If I miss one day of work, I lose my severance. And to top it all off, if I get an interview I can't drive myself there.

Let me explain the insanity that occurred last night.

My car was having a little bit of trouble starting and the window was slightly down and making crazy noises because it fell off of the track. I brought it to a Pep Boys that I always go to, because they haven't caused me problems in the past.

I get a phone call from them and they say it's going to cost at least $1,000.

Um.. what?!

I decide to have Kevin's dad replace the battery for me and get the window done elsewhere, so Kevin and I drove to the Pep Boys to take my car to the dealership. The mechanic says, "No, it's a liability issue, you can't drive this car because of the window." Kevin asks if we can sign a waiver of liability and the man says no. Within a good 30 seconds they get into a big argument and Kevin tells him to go fuck himself.

It was rather clear that they were hiding something. So, you won't let me take my car somewhere else and you want to charge me $1,000 to fix a window that fell off of the track?! He then told us that the only way he would let it leave the lot is if we call a tow truck. Kevin decided to play his game, so we did. Yay AAA.

The tow truck man got very short with Mr. Mean Pep Boys Mechanic (that's what I'm calling him from now on). He basically told him to go fuck himself. Mr. Mean Pep Boys Mechanic even had the nerve to ask him if he was a real tow truck driver and asked to see his truck.

The tow truck guy thought it was fucking hilarious. After he drove my car onto the truck, he looks at us with a big smile and said, "I feel so unsafe driving this car with a defective window." Oh, and it was quite ironic that Mr. Mean Pep Boys Mechanic said that my battery was completely dead, but we had no trouble starting it at all.

It was so funny because when we got to the house, the tow truck guy said, "Um, typically I can't do this but I guess I'll just let your car off in the road and drive it into the driveway." Ahahahaha! Too funny. He told us that this was the most ridiculous thing that he's ever seen and he's been a tow truck driver his whole life.

In retrospect, we probably just should have called the cops when he wouldn't let me take my car, but I guess this makes for a far more interesting story.

So guess what?! I brought my car to the dealership and will be getting it fixed for a grand total of $386. That douchebag was just trying to get money out of me.

I swear, my life gets more ridiculous every single day... I can't help but laugh at myself anymore. As Megan said, "You can't write this stuff..."

Time to Grow

Life is so bizarre. And I'm very lucky that I'm so happy despite all of this insanity.

I lost my job. As of next Monday I am unemployed. Next month I'm moving in with a homophobe. My dad won't talk to me. My mom won't talk to me. My ex-boyfriend's mom wants me to go to counseling to get de-gayed. And I don't even want to talk about my financial concerns at the moment. Let's just say it was bad enough to begin with when I did have a job.

But you want to know what the fucking sick thing is?

I'm so incredibly happy. I've never felt so complete and strong despite the crazy mess that is my life.

It'll all be okay in the end. Things are the way that they are. There's nothing that I can do to change anything, and as long as I'm happy it'll all be okay.

This is just an opportunity for growth. There are better days ahead of me.

P.S. Someone just contacted me about doing a photo essay on my life. Interesting. I think this is pretty cool and sounds like a fun thing to do. Very flattering.

Girls at work.

How to piss off all of the girls at work.

Me: Yay! My favorite is here!

Girl #1: I'm not your favorite?!

Me: Um, yes, you're my favorite.

Girl #2: No, I'm her favorite.

Me: You're both my favorite.

Girl #3: Wait Nicole, thanks a lot. Glad to see I'm not a favorite.

AHHH.