Human suffering

When I was younger, I didn't get it.  I hated going to visit family.  I always felt like the black sheep.  I always felt like no one truly cared about me, despite the fact that they often told me otherwise.  Now I'm older and I get it.  I was a selfish child.  Family isn't about selfishness.  It's about selflessness.  It's about looking at the smile on your little nephew's beautiful smiling two year old face and loving every second of his happiness, despite how empty you yourself might be.

When my other nephew graduated from high school and he stood there in his cap and gown making silly faces with me into the camera, I felt the same happiness that was flowing through his veins.  I am so happy for him and his future.  I hope it is the most beautiful one that the world can provide for him.  I hope that for all of my nieces and nephews.  All of my family.  My cousins, my parents, my grandmother.

I sat in a chair while my sister talked about her brain cancer this weekend.  How she was afraid that she was going to die alone.  I cried.  I love my sister so much, and when she hurts, I HURT.  It hurts so bad.  And it makes me look at my life and say, "Things are okay.  If my sister can do it, I can do it."

When I sat in the car for three hours talking to my mom about my 401k and how I made my dad the number one beneficiary because I worry for him, since my mom is so much older than my dad and he really doesn't have much of anything and she's not married to him, it also hits me. I love my parents more than anything in the world and I want them to live comfortable lives when they get older.  I worry so much.  They've worked so hard their whole lives to provide for me and I want to make such a good salary when I get older so that when need be, I can support them AND myself comfortably.  They deserve that.

It hurts so bad to have a missing spot in my heart.  I hate not having someone to love and hold.  Someone to care for.  Someone to buy gifts for.  Someone who picks a pretty flower for me when he sees one on the side of the sidewalk.  But this is an okay time for me to be single.  I really want to work hard and have a great career and maybe a man would distract me from that.  I can't have that.  It sucks so bad, it hurts so bad, but it's the truth.  And nothing worth having is easy to get.  A good salary and a comfortable life for my parents is worth having.  It's a shame, but it is what it is.

I wish hearts were like teeth.  You could just go to the dentist and get them filled.  I wish I could just fill my heart back up.  It hurts so so bad and I feel so incomplete.

But I have so many things to be extremely thankful for and I should never forget that.  I have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, a beautiful city, a great career (already), dreams that are worth chasing, a healthy body, and so many reasons to smile.

It's just so hard right now.  I wish it wasn't.  And I can't say that it's not fair.  Because everyone suffers.  It's a part of human existence and I'm a human.  Every human goes through suffering and it makes us stronger, builds character, and makes this world a better place.  It makes me a better Nicole.  But the journey is just so rough sometimes.  I've cried more this last year than I have in my entire life.  My entire 26 years on this planet.

I hope I can hold onto all of these lessons I've learned.  They're so valuable.  Each tear is bringing me one step closer to being a better person, as much as it hurts.  And let me tell you, it hurts more than any other pain I've ever felt in my life.

It's just so exhausting.  If I didn't have mild insomnia, I don't think I'd ever be awake.

Good grief

How does "We all want to be home by midnight!" turn into "It's 3:15am and we are now all finally home."

I studied for an hour, Keith came over, we went on a nice little cruise.. then we invited Ricky out to go see my friend's band play.

A few beers later and I'm incorporating my beer glass into yoga poses, I'm petting some randos sideburns and pinky swearing that I will have sideburns the next time that I see him, I'm unclogging a toilet that someone else clogged, I'm climbing on the roof saving my best friend from jumping off, and I'm picking up my friend from a corner several blocks away because she drunkenly wandered off and never came back.

Clearly I'm the levelheaded one since all that I did was do yoga, admire facial hair, and save people.

Andrew who?

One of these days it will all make sense.

I walked into a young lawyer's office today.  She was frazzled, like me.  She only knew half of what she was doing, like me.  That's part of life.  And then one day you walk into your office and you got that shit under control.  Things are always out of control at first.  The fun is found in trying to make your world stop spinning.

When Andrew hurt me for the last time, I was sitting in my car dropping him off at his stupid little corner apartment.  He looked over at me.  The sound of defeat was in my voice as I talked about Kevin and Chris and how I've always been the one who gets stomped on.  And I implied that this was Andrew's turn.  He was the next man stomping all over me.

He looked over and hugged me.  He hugged me so tight.  He said "Are you gonna be alright?"

I was made FURIOUS by that question.  Who do you think you are telling ME that you think I'm not going to be alright because of YOU?   I said to him,  "Am I alright?!  I'm ALWAYS alright! I've survived just fine every other time."

He said okay and got out of the car like a scared puppy with his tail between his legs.  That was it.

Today I was listening to Cake's cover of Survive.  "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I.  I will survive."

One of these days my world will stop spinning.  I'll wake up in the morning and I won't even remember him enough to think "Andrew who?" anymore. I'm already at the stage where I want to rub it in his face.

Andrew, I am so much better off without you.  Thanks, you did me a fucking service.

Rest

I'm okay.  I had a rough little patch there and my dad pinpointed the reason.  I needed to REST.  You know, that thing I haven't really done for at least three months.  So I crashed.  There was a night with no law school preparation, no gym, no friends, no family, no errands.  I stared at my pillows.  I got up to pluck my brows and give myself a nice relaxing facial, then back to the pillows again.

I needed it.  The next day at work was fabulous.  I need to remember to REST.

This weekend was alright I guess.  Thus far.  Studied.  Went to an arts festival.  Drank a couple of margaritas.  Napped on a blanket in pretzel park and watched the stars appear over my head.  Went out dancing at a club.  That's sort of where it went wrong.  I shouldn't have went out dancing.  Because I intend on studying today and I don't want to burn myself out yet again.

Life is a struggle.  Finding a balance is hard and sometimes I find it hard to tolerate myself.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I think I give up.  Just gonna keep pushing for my dreams and hoping I don't fall over too many times.

Been lying to myself

I hate you Andrew.  I've been saying that a lot and I mean it with every fiber of my being.

I hate you for making me feel small, insignificant, unintelligent.  I hate you for making me so burned out tonight due to studying my ass off, working my ass off at my new job, hating myself for not making it to the gym tonight, not remembering to pay my bills because I'm so exhausted that I can hardly form sentences.  You're the reason for all of this.

I study because you made me feel stupid.  I want to prove you wrong.  But maybe you're not.  I work my ass off at my new job because you made me feel like my old job wasn't good enough, and now I'm tired.  Fucking dead tired.  And I don't even know if I want this career growth that you made me chase. You're the reason I go to the gym because you made me hate the tiniest bit of body fat.  Because you made me feel ugly when I forgot to pluck my eyebrows, do my nails, buy pretty things, give myself facials.

So now what?  How the fuck do I fix the disastrous mess hiding in her bed at 7:56pm.  My hair is unkempt, my brain is neglected, my bills are unpaid, I didn't call my parents today, I didn't go to the gym today.

Is this okay?  Is it okay to not be perfect all of the fucking time?  You made me feel like it's not.  BUT LOOK AT YOU.

I think I need to figure this shit out sooner rather than later.  I cried on the way home from work today.  Almost died- nearly got t-boned by a car who ran a stop sign doing at least 45.  My heart raced and the tears poured harder.  I entered my home and ate a snack, immediately headed to bed.  Slept for three hours. Woke up hating everything about myself.  My decisions, my life, my past, my body, my soul, everything.  I hate myself tonight.

But I hate you more, you fucking asshole.  You broke me.  Who are YOU to break ME?

Stupid fucking mind

Today was a weird day.  I felt rather pensive.  I woke up missing your beautiful shining eyes.  Your shaking hands, your nervous gulps.  I was so thankful when I entered the office.  I focused on preparing motions and dealing with clients all day which helped me regain some happiness, but when five o'clock rolled around, your sad eyes and dry lips poured back into my brain.

So I made dinner and sat at the table talking to Ricky for an hour.  I went to the gym and worked out.  I went to a coffee house and meant to study for the LSAT but I spent most of my time writing poetry about you.  About how much I fucking hate you.  About how much I miss you.  I e-mailed my brother back while I slowly sipped on my iced rooibus tea.  I cruised down Main Street with the windows down looking for you.  I've looked for you everywhere today.

When I got back to my neighborhood I cruised to a few stores looking for a gift for my friend Annie.  Couldn't find anything so I got a candy bar, sat by a dark park and wrote another poem about you as I devoured my chocolate.

Came home to my laughing roommate and her laughing girlfriend.  We joked around.  But here I am in my room again feeling down.  When will this go away?  Is it simply that you're filling a void in my heart and that it's not really you that I'm mourning?  Am I truly just mourning my empty spot?

I don't think anything at this point in my life can fill up that void.  Nothing.  I have every other piece of my heart filled to the max except for that one little tiny spot that needs to stay vacant until I'm done working on who I am.  I don't want to give myself away to someone until I'm the person who I want them to fall in love with.

But you loved me.  I loved you.  And now you're gone.  Maybe they'll leave too.  I don't know.  I try to not think about it.  I try to fill my brain with law law law.  Law and Keith.  Law and family.  Law and poetry.

But who in the actual fuck am I kidding?  You still hurt pretty bad. And I bet I don't even cross your stupid fucking mind.

Jerry's

Yesterday I felt free as the wind.  I parked my car in north philly next to an old cafe and walked to center city.  I encountered so many beautiful smiling faces along the way.  I ate some free food at a vegetarian food festival, then my friend and I (we met up at the festival) enjoyed margaritas in the beautiful sunlight in old city.  We then drove to our friend's cute little home in south philly where we packed up the band van and headed back to where I started out, north philly, to watch them perform.

I also bought gifts for my poppa bear.  Cupcakes for all of us to share (from a cute little bakery in northwest philly) and a bottle of Sailor Jerry's.  He'll be happy.  I love my dad.

The sidewalks

I'm 26 years young and I'm in the best shape of my life.  My size 0 pants are running a little loose, I'm sitting here with a nice nutritious vegetarian breakfast like every morning.  I feel like a woman and I love it.  For the first time in my life I am looking in the mirror and I see that the baby fat has dissipated and my chin bone appears more angular and wide than ever before.  I love that.  I literally look in the mirror and smile.  I think, "I've really come into womanhood gracefully."

And I'm so excited for my future.  Being the best personal injury paralegal I can be.  Going to law school.  Working either at a law firm as an attorney or at a college as a professor.  And one day the grays will start popping up in my hair and I'm going to love and embrace them with every piece of my beating heart.

And as for my soul, as stated previously I am trying so hard to be a better person.  I see great improvement in myself, I do, but I know that I still have a long way to go.  I'll never be perfect, I know that, but I want to be proud of my actions and the thoughts that float through my head.

And more importantly, when I do start dating someone, (hopefully not for a long time), I need to make sure that they bring out the best in me.  Andrew did not make me a better person.  I want someone who does.  There were problems with my relationship with Kevin, but he at least made me a better person.

So I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and Ricky and Sivan are upstairs sleeping.  Sivan is a cute little queer from Brooklyn that came down for Trans-Health Conference.  I have a lot of queer/trans friends so this conference is always a "thing."  Every year. "Are you going to trans-health?!" "Are you going to trans-health?!?!" "Hey Nicole, trans-health?!?!"

This morning I'm wearing short shorts because it's a nice temperature in our cute little rowhome.  My healthy plump bum bum cheeks are falling out but I'm letting them run wild because I like them.  I walked out to the compost pile this morning to dispose of some nectarine pieces and as always, the neighbors were all walking their dogs and smiling at me as they went by with a friendly "good morning."

I love this city, I do. Last night I sat at a bar in center city with my best friend sitting diagonally across from me.  She thanked me for coming out.  I thanked her for inviting me.  And as I walked back to the car about a block ahead of the little group of queers, I had a smile on my face.  I thought to myself, "I feel like these sidewalks are mine."

I'm pretty sure they are.

Anyway, time for some meditation followed by yoga in my underwear.  Then vegetarian food fest and a show in nolibs.  It's a beautiful day.  Oh and my roommate accuses me of being "woo woo" lately.  I blame the psychic.

Positive stress

Today was so much fun.  I discussed a case with a client for the first time, I dealt with a defendant for the first time, I prepared Requests for Production of Documents on my own for the first time.  I dealt with a Worker's Compensation client for the first time.  I discussed a subpoena with the subpoenaed party for the first time.

Overall it was just a fabulous day.  My attorney said that I'm doing great.  I worked two hours of overtime to help get caught up on my cases.

Then I came home and enjoyed a nice nutritious meal after talking to my mom and dad for about an hour about my new cases.  Joked around with Keith and John a bit.

Life is easy when you have positive stress.  Men = negative stress.  New job stress = positive stress.  Studying for test stress = positive stress.

Firework

When Andrew started dating me, my world was dark and I was in a rut.  I told him, "Andrew, I feel like my life is a dark alleyway and you're my little streetlamp."  So I held on tight to his tattooed arm and gazed lovingly into his apathetic eyes.  He gave me excuses for his apathetic eyes.  "I have depression."  "My medicine makes me cold."

Then my streetlamp blew out and I am so thankful for that (now, at least).  At first, my world became darker than it was before I met Andrew because when you have a little streetlamp for six months, you're not accustomed to what it's like without one.

But then something beautiful happened.

Towards the end of my relationship with Andrew, I kept describing myself as his little firework.  I even wrote him this poem, explaining what it would be like if he left me:

The Dewy Grass

When I was a firework on display,
I grabbed the fibers of the sky and held on tight.
I tried to shine brighter than the moon, the stars.
My fiery sparkles fell to the dewy grass
And were soaked up by your pants.
I remember most the reflection in your eyes,
Paired with the white glimmer surrounded by gloss.
I remember the way your lips parted,
And I was as loud as could be, for you.
And when my audience left,
He vanished so quickly.
The dryness in his eyes came fast.
That was it—no more reason for me.
So I fell to the grass, where I belonged.
I sizzled in the soil, I burned myself out.
There’s no reason for me, anymore.

And when I left him, not only did I feel like I was in a dark alleyway with no streetlamp, but I felt like a sizzled out firework.

But that's the thing.. to be a sizzled out firework you had to have been a firework at some point.

So after lying in the grass for a few weeks, I don't know how in the holy fucking hell it happened but  one day I managed to look around and...

I was in the sky.  A firework once again, but the biggest one I've ever been.

I'm thankful that I met Andrew.  And more importantly,  I'm thankful that he broke my little heart.  I'm on the right track now.  I needed to meet Andrew to help me become a better Nicole.  I'm a firework now.  A firework who doesn't need a man to put herself into the sky.

Summery colors

I'm about to paint my nails the most summery color that OPI has to offer.  I'm looking forward to it.

I'm just settling down after a beautiful day.  Sangrias and mimosas.  Nachos.  A nice walk along the canal.  A trip to Sunglasses Hut for a nice pair of Ray Bans for my bestie.  Then we headed out grocery shopping for our barbecue.

Ricky bought the food, Jakey prepared it, Keith and Ricky and Dan grilled it, I kept the neighborhood dogs entertained on my blanket in the grass, the neighbors all mingled in the beautiful breeze, and I cleaned up everything after everyone left.  I love this little community.  I'm lucky to be a part of it and I'll never take it for granted.

South Philly home

I'm sitting in the "second living room" eating a bagel alongside my french press. The walls around me are a deep orange.  There's a big black bookcase to my far left, leather couches in front of me, plants everywhere.  The front door is open and I can see the sun bursting in, but more importantly I see the cute little rowhomes on the opposite side of my street that house my friendly neighbors.

The dog is staring out the glass door waiting for the dogs to start passing.  Every morning there's a parade of dog walkers and they all smile at him as they walk past.

To my immediate left is the pretty kitchen.  My roommate's girlfriend is making breakfast.  I see her leg tattoo glancing at me and every once and a while she turns her freckled face around to say something nice and smile.  She just said, "Nicole, you are so cute with your little french press."

The other day I was doing yoga poses on my roommate's bedroom floor and she said to me, "stop that Nicole, you're going to make me think thoughts about you that I don't want to think."  I giggled.  The room was hotboxed and Ricky was on the floor rolling around in her highness.

Yesterday was fun.  I first went to a yoga festival in which hundreds of girls had their yoga-butts high up in the city sunlight.  Then I walked a few blocks and stumbled across a beer fest in which hundreds of hipsters were accidentally spilling IPAs on their half sleeves and red plaid shirts.  Then I went a few blocks even further and ate Maryland Barbeque flavored vegan ice cream while I walked along a heavily gentrified area that would have been off limits to me years ago.

Today I have much on my agenda.  Sangrias with Keith later this morning followed by the Pride Festival.  After that we are having a barbecue with our neighbors in our yard.  The yard is really coming along beautifully.  Two new garden beds filled with vegetable plants, a cute little compost bin with a sign for neighbors, "Compost only please!" And now we have a fire pit.

My life is truly beautiful.  Every little piece is filled with so much light and love.  I needed to move on from Andrew to appreciate every little thing in my life that makes me who I am. I wouldn't say that I lost myself when I was with Andrew, but I definitely stopped appreciating the beauty in life.

Anyway, operation "save for law school" is sucking pretty bad right now.  I accidentally bought a pair of heels yesterday.  And a cute little olive green vegan leather wallet.  And a cute multicolored backpack to assist me on my travels.  I can afford all of these things but my goal is to spend only $60.00 a weekend so that I can save up a pretty decent chunk.  I'll get better, I will.  I already spent less this week than I usually do.  I usually go hog wild.  Keith saw my bra drawer.. "Keith I have enough bras to open up my own Victoria's Secret".. and yet I only wear like two of them.

I'll get better. I need this new mindset, "I am working hard for law school so that I can spoil myself even more in the future."  I'll thank myself later when I'm sitting on a beautiful porch in my own South Philly home one day.

Groomers

And so it begins.  I had my first post break-up kiss.  It was nice.  We were walking in a beautiful northwest Philly neighborhood.  It was dark and quiet, minus the cars passing by.  We looked into the window of a grooming business and a poodle was getting his hair chopped off.  The kisser (a stand-up comedian from Kensington) gave me a piggy back ride in the middle of a one-way street.

And when we got to his car, he asked me how I felt about our meeting.  I told him it was fun and gave him a full analysis.  He smiled.  Then he leaned in to kiss me and I hesitated.  He said "No?"  Silence for a second.  Then I said, "Just for fun?"  He said "Just for fun?  Sure!  I like that."  So then we kissed, for fun.

I've been so good since the break-up.  No rebounds, no irresponsible decisions.  It was nice having a cute no-strings-attached kiss under a yellow tinted city light.  It was nice being told that I'm beautiful and that my hair is gorgeous.

I decided to continue with the casual dating scene and continue to make well-calculated decisions like last night.. just for a little bit of fun.  I see myself working hard on my career for the next few years so I deserve some harmless kisses under the moon.

Today I am going to hang out with my bestie.  Might head to a flea market.  Might eat ice cream.  Might go on a long walk.  Life is good right now.  Now if only I could stop being so down on myself about _____.

Liking the new job

Things have changed significantly for me since I got the new job.  Here were my responsibilities at my last job:

-Prepared civil lawsuits for Magisterial District Court, the Court of Common Pleas, and the Superior Court of New Jersey.
-Notified District Justices of settlements, bankruptcies, withdrawals, satisfactions and substitutions.
-Requested continuances for attorneys due to conflicting schedules, inclement weather and settlement negotiations.
-Verified that evidence is sufficient for hearings and requesting additional documentation from clients.
-Transferred judgments from Magisterial District Court to the Court of Common Pleas.
-Followed up on service and reinstating Magisterial District Court cases when new information is received.
-Created and followed processes that ensure that we adhere to the FDCPA and SCRA.
-Drafted, proofread and edited letters sent to the district justices from the attorneys.
-Monitored statute of limitations on all cases and made sure Complaints were filed in a timely manner.

Here are my awesome new responsibilities thus far at my new job:

-Preparing Requests and drafted Responses for Production of Documents, Interrogatories and Answers.
-Filing Motions to Compel, Motions for Sanctions, and stipulations in Pennsylvania and New Jersey Courts.
-Drafting dictated letters regarding pre-litigated and litigated cases addressed to defense counsel, first party and third party insurance adjusters, medical providers, court administrators and clients.
-Following up on discovery accordingly and adhering to court deadlines.
-Documenting findings while observing Independent Medical Examinations performed upon clients.
-Requesting continuances of Rule Dates after verifying that defense counsel does not object.
-Verifying that clients, medical providers, interpreters, counsel for the defendant, and our associates are available for depositions, arbitration, Examinations Under Oath, and Indepedent Medical Examinations.
-Working closely with interpreters on a daily basis to meet the needs of Korean and Spanish speaking clients.
-Overseeing the office flow and making sure that all responsibilities are being met.
-Confirming that we have all documents necessary to evaluate a case properly (i.e. PIP ledgers, declarations pages, liens, subpoenaed records, police reports, medical notes, medical bills, HIPAA authorizations, wage loss forms, etc).

Moving on up.  I wanted a more advanced paralegal position and I got it!

Kicking ass, taking names

My dad always said, "Big dreams Nicole, big dreams."  Yes, but I've never failed at making them become reality.  I mean, I have nothing better to do with my life other than dream chasing.  And when you're constantly running around with a giant net, you're bound to catch something.

Today I signed up for the LSAT.  Big step.  Got my admission ticket and a big smile on my face. I'll do great, I'm sure.  And if not, at least I tried.  I'd regret NOT taking the test.  I'd never regret taking it.

I said to my dad, "Dad, I am going to meet a cute lawyer in law school and then I'm going to marry him."  His response was great:

"I'd rather you not.  I'd rather you stay single."

My response to him:  "Yeah, me too."

I love my dad so much.  He knows me so much and he knows that I am built to be an independent women with no worries and no ropes to tie me down.  When I am a wandering bundle of happiness with tons of challenges to face, that's when I'm at my best.  I'm so happy right now.  This is the happiest I've been in.. years probably.  No man can make me as happy as I am right now.  Only I can create this euphoria.

Will I always be single?  No, not always. Relationships aren't always bad. I've had a good one or two in there.  But I really need to focus on myself right now.  I need to focus on advancing in my career, keeping a smile on my face, and making healthy decisions that will give me a great future.

I used to say to Chris, "I'm basically Beyonce before she found her Jay-Z."  Hahaha.  Independent woman kicking ass, taking names, and one day stumbling across someone else who also made it to his throne.

Sunlight

I have respect for both my body and my soul.  I haven't realized the love that I have for myself up until recently.  I love my pale skin and I stopped going tanning in 2006 because I don't want skin cancer.  I loved getting drunk in 2011 but now I have one drink a week because I know that alcoholism is not a good look and I love my little liver nestled somewhere in my tiny body.  I thought inhalants were great in high school but now I won't even sit in a freshly painted room because I cherish my valuable little brain cells.  And weed was cool and all, but I won't do that because I care too much about my career and I'd love to keep my excellent work ethic.

I care about myself a lot and I have a lot to be proud about.  I'm educated, I'm healthy, I make good decisions, I have great hobbies, I stay active, I have tight abs forming around my tiny tummy. I have boys who chase me  A few of them.  But I respect myself enough to stay away from hookups, because I care about my sexual health and I believe that someone must love all of me, not just my body, to deserve that piece of me.  I also care about other people.  I know that if I were to lead these boys on, that would not be good for them either.  So I am honest about my feelings or lackthereof.  And if they don't get that, at that point that is their own fault.

I take pride in my work and I do the best that I can do when I am at the law firm.  I take my time.  I check my sentences, I double check with coworkers on the new procedures that I'm learning, I give my new attorney a big smile whenever I get the chance.  I strive to work harder.  When a girl at work says to me, "I think he's overwhelming you" I think to myself, "honey, I can do so much more than this."

I look at life like a video game.  I am constantly seeking a chance to make it to the next level, which is why I am looking into taking the LSAT and going to law school.  I want to have a nice life when I'm older which is why in addition to advancing in my career, I finally decided to start saving for retirement.  My next big goal is to pay down my loans to a comfortable level and then possibly purchase a home.

I stand up for myself.  When people talk me down, I no longer let it tear at my soul because I know that my soul is fine.  I stand up for my decisions because each one was made with care and no one has the right to put me down when I work so hard to live a respectable, balanced life.  I am comfortable with who I am and people may judge me all they want behind closed doors, but if they say it to my face, they better be ready for a difficult battle.

I think that I'm a strong, independent, intelligent, ambitious, positive woman who deserves more growth.  I am not ready for my soulmate to come marching through the doors.  Maybe in a few years when I'm graduating from law school and I have my savings built up and I have even more friends than I already have.  I'm not done yet, universe, please let me continue to grow.  I make the right decisions, I take good care of myself.. please continue to help me find the beautiful things in my future.

Also, I want so much to be a better person.  Every day I look around and try to find ways to be better and have a positive impact on those around me.  I love each day on this planet and I want to share that feeling with other people. And I want to do it because that's who I am, not because I believe that karma will bite me in the ass otherwise.  That IS who I am.  When I was in middle school and high school I remember I would spend all of my allowance money on my friends and good causes.  I raised money for other people regularly by doing volunteer events.

That is who I am.  And I want to find that person within my soul again.  I want to be a good person who makes good financial decisions but also doesn't forget to be good to other human beings as well who aren't as fortunate as me.  I lucked out.  I had two parents who helped me make my way through college and were supportive the whole way.  Not everyone was dealt with the hand that I was given and I need to remember that every single day and pay it back to the ones who aren't as lucky.  I don't just mean monetarily.  Money is just money.  I just want to be a good person and help strangers, talk people into good decisions and just be nice.  Being nice keeps me happy and makes other people happy as well.

Andrew is the reason why I look around each day and see all of the beautiful things that are around me.  I am so thankful.  Sometimes first you have to see the darkness to see the beatiful bright sunlight.  There is so much sunlight in my world these days.  I see it in my parents' beautiful smiles.