I am in a terrible mood. I just poured myself a beer, merely because I am too upset to drive to the wine store for a bottle that I would definitely consume in one sitting. I am upset because I'm sweaty and gross and unemployed and I have had the worst fucking year ever.
Yeah, things are improving emotionally. But today was just bad.
I sat there and thought about it. My health issues that I have been avoiding. The autoimmune disease that I conveniently decided to ignore when my doctor was explaining the cause of my super rare parathyroid condition. The fact that I had to piss in a jug for 24 hours straight and get several viles of blood taken just to find out that "Oh! So my calcium level is way below what my doctor told me is alright for a girl in her 20s."
He said, "Nicole, you don't want your calcium being below ___ in your 20s." Finding out that it is much below, actually DECREASING from my last visit, oh yes.. that's just great.
Am I never going to be able to be okay again? Will I never find a job again? Will I never be the same worker? Will I lose my apartment? Will I lose everything? What is going to happen to me? These are questions I ask on a regular basis.
I don't leave my home much because I'm scared of the money situation. I'm scared of so many things. I'm scared that I'm really going to be alone forever now. I found a cute guy that I went on a date with, when he finds out all of this badness in me, he is not going to want me.
I just don't know what to do. My insurance ends after two more days.
And I love myself. I do. I love the fact that despite all of the fucked up shit that happened to me over the last past year, I have shot back to myself. I am Nicole again. I am not some depressed girl wanting to die under the covers. I want to live now.
So why does the universe continue to toss fucking shit at me?
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
A day worth celebrating every year.
Message: It'd be awesome if you could pass this along one day. It's just a thank you note <3 nbsp="" p="">
Dear Craig,
I'm not going to bore you with my life. I am a woman who has been through a lot though, as most people have been. I don't think my struggle is unique or anything, I just think that life is hard. But I want you to know that I am thankful for what you have done for me. Through every ounce of pain I've endured, I've had a song of yours to help me through it. Recently I lost my job. My job was the last real thing that I had in the world. So I walked out of the building a blank slate, and as the sunlight enveloped me, I looked up to the blue sky and smiled. On the way home, I listened to Secret of Life, understanding every word more deeply than the day before.
Thank you. I just wanted you to know how much you are needed. And you know what, there are plenty of artists out there for people to grip to in times of need. I'm sure you have some yourself that you deem irreplaceable. Well Craig, you're my "irreplaceable" and thanks for keeping me sane in this awfully fast-paced world we live in. It's nice to just chill out sometimes, lie on the beach, and listen to Good Enough on repeat as the gentle low tide waves remind me that all I have to do is keep existing.
Again, thank you friend,
Nicole
Response: I most definitely will. Thanks for sharing your words Nicole, so incredible x
Dear Craig,
I'm not going to bore you with my life. I am a woman who has been through a lot though, as most people have been. I don't think my struggle is unique or anything, I just think that life is hard. But I want you to know that I am thankful for what you have done for me. Through every ounce of pain I've endured, I've had a song of yours to help me through it. Recently I lost my job. My job was the last real thing that I had in the world. So I walked out of the building a blank slate, and as the sunlight enveloped me, I looked up to the blue sky and smiled. On the way home, I listened to Secret of Life, understanding every word more deeply than the day before.
Thank you. I just wanted you to know how much you are needed. And you know what, there are plenty of artists out there for people to grip to in times of need. I'm sure you have some yourself that you deem irreplaceable. Well Craig, you're my "irreplaceable" and thanks for keeping me sane in this awfully fast-paced world we live in. It's nice to just chill out sometimes, lie on the beach, and listen to Good Enough on repeat as the gentle low tide waves remind me that all I have to do is keep existing.
Again, thank you friend,
Nicole
Response: I most definitely will. Thanks for sharing your words Nicole, so incredible x
Sunday, May 24, 2015
What more can I ask for?
The summer sky is swelling, engorging through my window, pressing down on my head. The sun's rays are yelling for me to go outside, but where is there to go? What more can I ask for? I can ask for peace. I can ask for a subtle gentle life to grab my finger tips and wrap them around a warm mug. I want the walls of my home to fall down and allow me to consolidate with the atmosphere, creating an easy flow of energy, tree poses pointed upward real good into the summer stars. The world has become such a hard place. One in which the atmosphere works against me, not with me. I feel suffocated from the trees waving at me from outside, as I know that I also have a firm handshake pulling me from inside. Coffee cups are rigidly spilling drips onto my button-down, my face forming wrinkles as my eyebrows slant downward. I can feel the gravity of the situation pulling at the sides of my lips, frowns so frequent now that the dry skin surrounding them takes on a new permanent residence. Since when was I the human being working against our natural ways? Since when was I the human being who taps her foot on the beautiful white beach, unable to listen to the sound of the waves crashing upon the selfless shoreline? This has got to stop. What more can I ask for? To become one with all that surrounds me.
To be the resting bird, not the foundation of my decaying home.
The summer sky is swelling, engorging through my window, pressing down on my head. The sun's rays are yelling for me to go outside, but where is there to go? What more can I ask for? I can ask for peace. I can ask for a subtle gentle life to grab my finger tips and wrap them around a warm mug. I want the walls of my home to fall down and allow me to consolidate with the atmosphere, creating an easy flow of energy, tree poses pointed upward real good into the summer stars. The world has become such a hard place. One in which the atmosphere works against me, not with me. I feel suffocated from the trees waving at me from outside, as I know that I also have a firm handshake pulling me from inside. Coffee cups are rigidly spilling drips onto my button-down, my face forming wrinkles as my eyebrows slant downward. I can feel the gravity of the situation pulling at the sides of my lips, frowns so frequent now that the dry skin surrounding them takes on a new permanent residence. Since when was I the human being working against our natural ways? Since when was I the human being who taps her foot on the beautiful white beach, unable to listen to the sound of the waves crashing upon the selfless shoreline? This has got to stop. What more can I ask for? To become one with all that surrounds me.
To be the resting bird, not the foundation of my decaying home.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Cycles
I would like to preface this by saying that I am deeply hormonal. I ate a chocolate bar the size of my head today in one sitting, chocolate pieces melting onto my yoga pants as I stared sadly into the TV.
Days have been the same. Each one flows right into the next. I work out for about two hours a day and sometimes add on a half hour yoga session, in which I practice the ever-daunting crow pose. I make elaborate salads, I cook vegetables, I clean. I text people, I read, I watch episode after episode of Hawaii 5-0, which is usually kind of terrible to a certain extent but I just love staring at Alex O'Loughlin.
I have been doing a lot of testing. Not like.. education-wise. I had five vials of blood taken today and I had to collect 24 hours worth of urine in a gross jug. And honestly, I sort of enjoyed this stuff because I have nothing else to do.
And don't get me wrong, this is a much needed break. But today and yesterday, it has been killing me a bit because my inner PMS demon is craving magnesium and Chinese food and there's only so much I can give it.
Tomorrow I'm going out for a margarita with Nick and getting new tires on my vehicle. Friday, Alyssa is coming over. Sunday, I have a free show to go to at Penn's Landing.
I should be thankful, I suppose. For the first time in a long time, I am only sad because I'm a woman, not because I hate my life. This is the first time I've been sad in an unwarranted manner for about a year. That's GREAT.
It'll pass.
Days have been the same. Each one flows right into the next. I work out for about two hours a day and sometimes add on a half hour yoga session, in which I practice the ever-daunting crow pose. I make elaborate salads, I cook vegetables, I clean. I text people, I read, I watch episode after episode of Hawaii 5-0, which is usually kind of terrible to a certain extent but I just love staring at Alex O'Loughlin.
I have been doing a lot of testing. Not like.. education-wise. I had five vials of blood taken today and I had to collect 24 hours worth of urine in a gross jug. And honestly, I sort of enjoyed this stuff because I have nothing else to do.
And don't get me wrong, this is a much needed break. But today and yesterday, it has been killing me a bit because my inner PMS demon is craving magnesium and Chinese food and there's only so much I can give it.
Tomorrow I'm going out for a margarita with Nick and getting new tires on my vehicle. Friday, Alyssa is coming over. Sunday, I have a free show to go to at Penn's Landing.
I should be thankful, I suppose. For the first time in a long time, I am only sad because I'm a woman, not because I hate my life. This is the first time I've been sad in an unwarranted manner for about a year. That's GREAT.
It'll pass.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Gratitude
The cool spring breeze is tangling itself with my living room blinds, gently falling onto my freshly shaven legs. The birds are tweeting and I’ve seen more sunlight than I’ve seen in years. And now, finally, I think I have reached the turning point. I am thankful to wake up each and every day. The air is enough to keep me breathing. When I drive on the road to anywhere, I look around and I can think of a million reasons to smile. I am here, isn’t that enough to be thankful for? I have survived terrible things but others have survived much worse, and I feel for them. My heart aches for them. And I want to be there to help hold them to the sky, so that they can also see the light that I have finally found. No matter what, these last few days I have only seen the silver lining. It’s starting to feel like that’s all there is.
I went to the park during the daylight hours and found a spot in the middle of a meadow. I put down my yoga mat and did a tree pose, hands pointed to the sky. I have been continuing my tears these days but they’re beautiful tears. Happy tears. Ones that have been coming from so far down in my gut that they bust out in little spurts, a smile gracing my newly radiant face. Mom said it, grammy said it, “You look great.” That’s because I look happy.
So where did that happiness come from? Having NOTHING.
You know, in the last past year, I have faced so many demons. In the last few days, a new one came running after me. I had to have a biopsy from a doctor who thought I might have cancer and need surgery. I am okay, but I sort of put my hands up and yelled, "I surrender." I get it, I'm not in control of anything. I get it, the universe is going to take me where I need to go and I have to have faith that it's taking me to wherever I'm supposed to be.
And then a few days later I lost my job. And now I finally have nothing. But with nothing, you learn that you have EVERYTHING.
I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, a mom and dad that I love, a grandmother who makes me smile so deeply, two sisters and a brother who support me through thick and thin, friends who treated me like gold throughout this terrible experience.. I have EVERYTHING.
When I was told that I was losing my job, I hardly batted an eye and I think it freaked out the office manager. She said that I could “take a moment” before leaving and I said no. I walked into my attorney’s office. He said one nice thing after another to me. To close things off, I said “Alright, I’m gonna peace out. It was fun.” We smiled at each other and I began walking to the door. A legal assistant said, “Where are you going?” I said, “The zoo,” smiled, and left the office with her innocent laughter following me out. When I left the building, I tilted my head upwards and looked to the sky for a second. I let the sun's rays really soak into my skin. And I smiled. I drove away smiling. This was the best bad news I have ever received.
A fresh slate. I have nothing, but I have everything. No one can take away my excellent skill set, my competitive resume, my education, my professional certification, my references. I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman with a level head. But honestly, I’m going to do this at a steady and slow pace. This is the first real “vacation” I have had since the last time I was on unemployment, which was in 2011. Like dad said, “I hope you find a job soon, but not too soon.”
Now is my time to heal. I feel like a human being again, not the skeleton that I’ve been dragging around by a dead spirit for a year.
The universe is good to me. I feel so lucky to have the life that I do. I am thankful every single day. Thank you, so much, for giving me a chance to start over. I promise to be kind, generous, loving, and supportive to anyone who needs a helping hand. I want to be the one to say, "I promise, everything is going to be okay."
I am just so thankful to be alive. So so thankful.
I went to the park during the daylight hours and found a spot in the middle of a meadow. I put down my yoga mat and did a tree pose, hands pointed to the sky. I have been continuing my tears these days but they’re beautiful tears. Happy tears. Ones that have been coming from so far down in my gut that they bust out in little spurts, a smile gracing my newly radiant face. Mom said it, grammy said it, “You look great.” That’s because I look happy.
So where did that happiness come from? Having NOTHING.
You know, in the last past year, I have faced so many demons. In the last few days, a new one came running after me. I had to have a biopsy from a doctor who thought I might have cancer and need surgery. I am okay, but I sort of put my hands up and yelled, "I surrender." I get it, I'm not in control of anything. I get it, the universe is going to take me where I need to go and I have to have faith that it's taking me to wherever I'm supposed to be.
And then a few days later I lost my job. And now I finally have nothing. But with nothing, you learn that you have EVERYTHING.
I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, a mom and dad that I love, a grandmother who makes me smile so deeply, two sisters and a brother who support me through thick and thin, friends who treated me like gold throughout this terrible experience.. I have EVERYTHING.
When I was told that I was losing my job, I hardly batted an eye and I think it freaked out the office manager. She said that I could “take a moment” before leaving and I said no. I walked into my attorney’s office. He said one nice thing after another to me. To close things off, I said “Alright, I’m gonna peace out. It was fun.” We smiled at each other and I began walking to the door. A legal assistant said, “Where are you going?” I said, “The zoo,” smiled, and left the office with her innocent laughter following me out. When I left the building, I tilted my head upwards and looked to the sky for a second. I let the sun's rays really soak into my skin. And I smiled. I drove away smiling. This was the best bad news I have ever received.
A fresh slate. I have nothing, but I have everything. No one can take away my excellent skill set, my competitive resume, my education, my professional certification, my references. I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman with a level head. But honestly, I’m going to do this at a steady and slow pace. This is the first real “vacation” I have had since the last time I was on unemployment, which was in 2011. Like dad said, “I hope you find a job soon, but not too soon.”
Now is my time to heal. I feel like a human being again, not the skeleton that I’ve been dragging around by a dead spirit for a year.
The universe is good to me. I feel so lucky to have the life that I do. I am thankful every single day. Thank you, so much, for giving me a chance to start over. I promise to be kind, generous, loving, and supportive to anyone who needs a helping hand. I want to be the one to say, "I promise, everything is going to be okay."
I am just so thankful to be alive. So so thankful.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Having Everything
In the last past year I have been stripped of everything that had made me the human that I have lived as for twenty-seven years. In April of last year I saw a man that I cared deeply for hold a gun to his head. After that, I started to see how grim my past was. I thought of the physical abuse I endured. I thought of the things I experienced that were much darker than what most people experience.
Whatever, it is in the past. That aside, I cannot explain the magic that just happened without explaining the last past year in closer detail.
After he held a gun to his head, it felt like I received one blow after another. I was diagnosed with three things and now I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life for two of them. I was cornered in a tiny rowhome in Kensington and was sexually abused by a terrible man. I had to get a biopsy to find out if the lesions they found inside me were cancerous. And now, I lost my job.
And you know what, it’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes you have to have nothing in order to see that you have everything. I have friends, family. My soul gets better every single day. I looked around my apartment after losing my job today and I kept smiling. I saw a gift that I bought for myself when I traveled to the other side of the country. I found gifts from family and friends. I saw silly things that remind me of who I am- like little messes that I haven’t cleaned up that are perfect messes because I wouldn’t be Nicole without them.
I feel like I have everything right now. It’s 10:54 p.m. on a Wednesday night and my best friend is coming over. We are going out for drinks because- why not? It’s not like I have to be anywhere tomorrow or the day after or the day after that. My hair is a disaster, just how I like it. I’m wearing my new matte lipstick that I love along with my favorite flannel shirt and cute sneakers (in case we end up on an adventure). This is Nicole. This is who I am. I have myself. I’ll always have myself.
I applied for unemployment and I hope I get it, but I know that regardless I will be okay because I am Nicole, and Nicole is a strong, independent woman who kicks some serious ass. Speaking of kicking ass, as I was getting ready tonight for this adventure, as I removed my work shirt my tight abs were glaring at me in the mirror.
I have a lot going for me. And now that I finally have nothing, I can start over. I don’t think I want to get back into law, but I might. I don’t think I want to get back into education, but I might. I don’t think I’m seeking as high of a salary as I was receiving, because mo money, mo problems. And I don’t think I want a job that puts me in a box. I am a creative free spirit and I need a job that molds to me, not the other way around.
And for the first time in a long time, I am so fucking content with one of the bad things that happened. Every other bad thing that happened ripped me to shreds but honestly, this, I believe, is a blessing in disguise.
This week I intend on spending time on my friends and family, working out whenever I get the chance, seeing my therapist for a session, and just doing a nice long tree pose in a neighborhood park while everyone else is slaving away at work.
I am going to start looking for jobs as soon as possible – but after this ridiculous year, I think it’s time to go easy on myself for a bit. I don’t even know what kind of job I want, so first I should figure out that.
Whatever, it is in the past. That aside, I cannot explain the magic that just happened without explaining the last past year in closer detail.
After he held a gun to his head, it felt like I received one blow after another. I was diagnosed with three things and now I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life for two of them. I was cornered in a tiny rowhome in Kensington and was sexually abused by a terrible man. I had to get a biopsy to find out if the lesions they found inside me were cancerous. And now, I lost my job.
And you know what, it’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes you have to have nothing in order to see that you have everything. I have friends, family. My soul gets better every single day. I looked around my apartment after losing my job today and I kept smiling. I saw a gift that I bought for myself when I traveled to the other side of the country. I found gifts from family and friends. I saw silly things that remind me of who I am- like little messes that I haven’t cleaned up that are perfect messes because I wouldn’t be Nicole without them.
I feel like I have everything right now. It’s 10:54 p.m. on a Wednesday night and my best friend is coming over. We are going out for drinks because- why not? It’s not like I have to be anywhere tomorrow or the day after or the day after that. My hair is a disaster, just how I like it. I’m wearing my new matte lipstick that I love along with my favorite flannel shirt and cute sneakers (in case we end up on an adventure). This is Nicole. This is who I am. I have myself. I’ll always have myself.
I applied for unemployment and I hope I get it, but I know that regardless I will be okay because I am Nicole, and Nicole is a strong, independent woman who kicks some serious ass. Speaking of kicking ass, as I was getting ready tonight for this adventure, as I removed my work shirt my tight abs were glaring at me in the mirror.
I have a lot going for me. And now that I finally have nothing, I can start over. I don’t think I want to get back into law, but I might. I don’t think I want to get back into education, but I might. I don’t think I’m seeking as high of a salary as I was receiving, because mo money, mo problems. And I don’t think I want a job that puts me in a box. I am a creative free spirit and I need a job that molds to me, not the other way around.
And for the first time in a long time, I am so fucking content with one of the bad things that happened. Every other bad thing that happened ripped me to shreds but honestly, this, I believe, is a blessing in disguise.
This week I intend on spending time on my friends and family, working out whenever I get the chance, seeing my therapist for a session, and just doing a nice long tree pose in a neighborhood park while everyone else is slaving away at work.
I am going to start looking for jobs as soon as possible – but after this ridiculous year, I think it’s time to go easy on myself for a bit. I don’t even know what kind of job I want, so first I should figure out that.
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