I am really confused. That was so weird. I don't know, I was suffering from cabin fever due to my recent oral surgery and therefore I made a billion plans for this weekend to get my ass out of this effin apartment. And one of those plans, randomly enough, was inviting my parents to New Hope. If you didn't know, New Hope is pretty gay.
Also, if you didn't know, I haven't hung out with my parents like that in years. Years.
My dad said no. I called him up and begged him because of my cabin fever. Then he said maybe. Then he said okay. And then I called him the night before and he canceled. And then I woke up this morning and begged him. He said maybe and then he said fine. This was proceeded by a long session of bitching on his part. And then two hours later we were surrounded by rainbow flags and penis-shaped pencil toppers.
My dad absolutely loved it. Although I don't know if the "gay factor" really clicked for my parents. I think they might have been oblivious to the cute lesbian couples holding hands and HRC stickers stuck on store windows. Really, my parents are that oblivious.
Regardless, it was fun. And my dad tries so hard to understand me. He pointed to a candle that said "100% vegan" and said, "there you go Nikki" and I smiled. I walked them into hippy stores and had some gay frozen yogurt with them. I rubbed Buddha statue bellies around my super Christian mother and looked through yoga books while my dad looked at antiques.
It was weird because my parents don't know who I am, and today they got a tiny peek into the secret life of Nicole. Like I said, I haven't really hung out with my parents in years. I truly don't remember the last time. I usually just go to my grandmother's house and see them for an hour or two once every couple of months. This was so bizarre.
I almost accidentally kept being a lesbian. (lmfao, that sounds ridiculous, let me explain). I'm used to just checking out girls and whatever and not really worrying about it. But being around my parents, I try to stay pretty neutral. Well, I'm not used to hanging out with them for that long of a time and there were too many pretty girls in New Hope. And I kid you not.. I kept having tiny awkward seconds with my father where we were checking out the same girl at the same time.
There was this stunningly beautiful girl and she was wearing these pretty heels and my mom goes, "Did you see those pretty heels?" and I swear to you, I gave the gayest reaction I've ever given around my mother and it was totally by accident. I literally had a mini-panic attack and tried to cover it up. My dad flinched.
Then again, I could just be crazy because as I said, my parents are very oblivious. I'm probably just being over sensitive to their reactions because like I said, they never get to see the real Nicole.
And this is the weirdest part of all: I got a big hug from each of them at the end of our hang out session and ... invited them to the beach. Yes, I invited them to the beach. I haven't traveled that far with my parents in at least seven years.
Insane. Oh, and my mom even got me a gift! She bought me German coffee beans. I haven't received a physical gift from my parents in a very long time. Yes, they've helped me out financially because I'm struggling to make ends meet with my three student loans and a car loan. But an actual physical gift! That means so much to me. To me, that basically means: "Hey, I'm learning about you and I know you're a coffee snob so here ya go. Coffee.
That was so weird. Wish me luck on the shore adventure. I really want my parents to understand me.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Things are the way they are
My life got really confusing really fast. And I'm happy, I'm very happy. My social life has been great. I've been mostly on good terms with my parents. "Good" meaning that I call them on my way home from work Monday-Friday to see how they're doing.
My job's going great. The director of operations thanked me for my hard work and told me that I'm doing a great job, which made me feel appreciated.
I just feel like I'm floating though. "Floating" is the best word I can think of. And there is something that triggered it. I work my ass off for one reason: To meet my goal of paying off all of my loans within the next five years. I had nearly enough saved up to pay off my car loan this year.
And then I had a bit of a medical emergency. A cyst was found in my mouth during a CT scan and I had to get a tooth removed. Nearly $4,000 later and I feel unsafe. I would not be able to afford another emergency like that without living on ramen noodles and tap water.
Everything was planned out perfectly before this happened. I could have paid off one of my four loans and moved closer to center city like I initially wanted to. But now I don't know if I can take the risk of another move with such a small financial safety net.
Life is hard; but I'm lucky. I was thinking about it today. I have a good job considering the economy. I live on my own. I make my own decisions. I have my bachelor's degree. I got a nice brand new shiny vehicle. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
It's not me, it's the state of the economy that makes my accomplishments seem so much smaller than they are. Everyone in my age group is struggling and I should be thankful that I can live the way that I do, you know? Yeah, money is tight. But I can go out for a drink now and then, buy a subscription to Suicide Girls, and go to Cold Stone for blueberry pomegranate frozen yogurt covered in crushed graham cracker every couple of weeks.
I know some people who are very lucky in life. People who got amazing paying jobs right out of college. But that's rare anymore, so I need to stop being so distraught over the fact that I'm not one of them. If a teaching job was available to me right after college, I probably would have taken it and I'd probably be making $10k more than what I'm making now.
But it wasn't. And it's not my fault. And I did the best that I could and I'm making enough to get by on my own.
But it particularly sucks when you blow $4,000 on a medical emergency. It is what it is. Or, in my dad's words, "at some point in life, Nikki, you gotta realize that, you know, things are the way they are and there is nothing you can do about it."
I can't change things. And I should really, if anything, be thankful that I had the $4,000 laying around. I sue people all day at work who are in debt, probably for similar reasons. And I should be thankful that some paralegal in Philly isn't filing a lawsuit against me right now.
My job's going great. The director of operations thanked me for my hard work and told me that I'm doing a great job, which made me feel appreciated.
I just feel like I'm floating though. "Floating" is the best word I can think of. And there is something that triggered it. I work my ass off for one reason: To meet my goal of paying off all of my loans within the next five years. I had nearly enough saved up to pay off my car loan this year.
And then I had a bit of a medical emergency. A cyst was found in my mouth during a CT scan and I had to get a tooth removed. Nearly $4,000 later and I feel unsafe. I would not be able to afford another emergency like that without living on ramen noodles and tap water.
Everything was planned out perfectly before this happened. I could have paid off one of my four loans and moved closer to center city like I initially wanted to. But now I don't know if I can take the risk of another move with such a small financial safety net.
Life is hard; but I'm lucky. I was thinking about it today. I have a good job considering the economy. I live on my own. I make my own decisions. I have my bachelor's degree. I got a nice brand new shiny vehicle. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
It's not me, it's the state of the economy that makes my accomplishments seem so much smaller than they are. Everyone in my age group is struggling and I should be thankful that I can live the way that I do, you know? Yeah, money is tight. But I can go out for a drink now and then, buy a subscription to Suicide Girls, and go to Cold Stone for blueberry pomegranate frozen yogurt covered in crushed graham cracker every couple of weeks.
I know some people who are very lucky in life. People who got amazing paying jobs right out of college. But that's rare anymore, so I need to stop being so distraught over the fact that I'm not one of them. If a teaching job was available to me right after college, I probably would have taken it and I'd probably be making $10k more than what I'm making now.
But it wasn't. And it's not my fault. And I did the best that I could and I'm making enough to get by on my own.
But it particularly sucks when you blow $4,000 on a medical emergency. It is what it is. Or, in my dad's words, "at some point in life, Nikki, you gotta realize that, you know, things are the way they are and there is nothing you can do about it."
I can't change things. And I should really, if anything, be thankful that I had the $4,000 laying around. I sue people all day at work who are in debt, probably for similar reasons. And I should be thankful that some paralegal in Philly isn't filing a lawsuit against me right now.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunny days
I don't even know where to begin. This is going to be horribly written; I can sense it. I mean, I just used a fucking semi-colon. A lot has changed and I'm happy with all of the changes. I am going to ramble like there is no tomorrow.
Keith has officially stepped down from friend status and Kyle is my new best friend. And Keely loves him so much. The first time all three of us hung out together, we crashed a party and had our half-eaten food taken away from us by the bar staff. We walked the streets topless. I danced in my underwear in a thunderstorm while being sprayed down with a garden hose. Keely and Kyle kissed in the rain. We had a three-way bed snuggle. And Keely got so drunk that she puked in her tub and completely forgot everything that happened. Mind you, Keely's dad was visiting during all of this and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm insane now.
We offered him shots.
Keely and I have a strong friendship again. I went to her house the other day to have "girly cocktails" which actually turned into beer, grilling, and a trip to a hardware store. Not shocked at all. I heart that crazy queer girl to pieces.
Speaking of that crazy queer girl, she made an impromptu visit to my apartment the other day and forced me to look at pictures of erections for a good hour. I was like "this is not happening right now." And then we watched drag queens for a good twenty minutes, which I was totally okay with. AND THEN I showed her some hot naked girls and she left.
What a terrible lesbian. But apparently that's the thing now. I hung out with my ex girlfriend who is a gold star lesbian and we discussed penises for about an hour.
My social life has been really looking up. I have so many wonderful friends in my life and I love them all with every piece of my heart. This weekend I was going to go visit a good friend in DC but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to cancel. I'm so bummed.
My work life is wonderful. I'm busting out lawsuits left and right and I'm really showing them that I'm a great worker. I hope that they have noticed it. I've also been considering a part time job, but more importantly, I've been considering bartending school. I think I would be a great bartender and it'd be a great way to pay off my student loans faster.
And I'm considering moving into Philly at the end of this year, to a place with tons and tons of bars. I think it would be a good decision.
Writing has been on the back burner and I'm okay with that. It comes, it goes.. and I let it. It's my favorite thing in the world and I'm not going to make it become work. I'm always inspired, I'll say that. I can easily write a poem or a short story right this second. But I don't want to right this second.
I plan on going on a solo trip to the beach in the next few weeks to soak up some sun and write my little heart out. I'm looking forward to it. <-- See that? That's how I look at writing. I do it when I like it, not when I'm forcing myself to like it. I'm 24 and I've had various pieces published. It'll keep happening and honestly I'm not in a rush.
What else?
Well, I'm on a family strike. My mom still hates me, I still somewhat despise her. My dad is okay and I feel bad because he suffers due to my mother hatred. My great nephew's birthday party is next weekend or whatever and I'm not going because I don't know...
I just feel like my family doesn't ever reach out to me. And then they want me to go out of my way to spend time with them. What is the point, really? I'm starting to really accept that my family and I just don't click at all. Not everyone has the amazing family that every American TV show glorifies. I don't have that family.
I have a dad who loves me with all of his heart. I have a grandmother who loves me with all of her heart. And I have a mother who had a very serious head injury who will never love me for who I am, but loves me because I'm her daughter and that's about it.
And that's really all that I can say.
Well, one last thing: I love my sister Marie because she reaches out to me. But that's it. That's really all that I can say.
That's why making tight bonds with friends is so important to me. When it comes down to it, I really have nothing else. I don't think I've ever been close to my family, except for when I was faking it. I faked it for a good five years. I'm done faking it. I just want to be myself. Yeah, I'm sure I'll have great family moments in my future but I really don't plan on going out of my way at all. Nor do I plan on faking it.
I just want to be myself. I want to accept myself and love myself. And I feel like surrounding myself with people who don't accept me and love me for who I am is only going to make this harder for me. My niece especially (my great nephew's mother who is throwing the party) always kind of made me hate myself.
I don't want to hate myself.
Keith has officially stepped down from friend status and Kyle is my new best friend. And Keely loves him so much. The first time all three of us hung out together, we crashed a party and had our half-eaten food taken away from us by the bar staff. We walked the streets topless. I danced in my underwear in a thunderstorm while being sprayed down with a garden hose. Keely and Kyle kissed in the rain. We had a three-way bed snuggle. And Keely got so drunk that she puked in her tub and completely forgot everything that happened. Mind you, Keely's dad was visiting during all of this and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm insane now.
We offered him shots.
Keely and I have a strong friendship again. I went to her house the other day to have "girly cocktails" which actually turned into beer, grilling, and a trip to a hardware store. Not shocked at all. I heart that crazy queer girl to pieces.
Speaking of that crazy queer girl, she made an impromptu visit to my apartment the other day and forced me to look at pictures of erections for a good hour. I was like "this is not happening right now." And then we watched drag queens for a good twenty minutes, which I was totally okay with. AND THEN I showed her some hot naked girls and she left.
What a terrible lesbian. But apparently that's the thing now. I hung out with my ex girlfriend who is a gold star lesbian and we discussed penises for about an hour.
My social life has been really looking up. I have so many wonderful friends in my life and I love them all with every piece of my heart. This weekend I was going to go visit a good friend in DC but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to cancel. I'm so bummed.
My work life is wonderful. I'm busting out lawsuits left and right and I'm really showing them that I'm a great worker. I hope that they have noticed it. I've also been considering a part time job, but more importantly, I've been considering bartending school. I think I would be a great bartender and it'd be a great way to pay off my student loans faster.
And I'm considering moving into Philly at the end of this year, to a place with tons and tons of bars. I think it would be a good decision.
Writing has been on the back burner and I'm okay with that. It comes, it goes.. and I let it. It's my favorite thing in the world and I'm not going to make it become work. I'm always inspired, I'll say that. I can easily write a poem or a short story right this second. But I don't want to right this second.
I plan on going on a solo trip to the beach in the next few weeks to soak up some sun and write my little heart out. I'm looking forward to it. <-- See that? That's how I look at writing. I do it when I like it, not when I'm forcing myself to like it. I'm 24 and I've had various pieces published. It'll keep happening and honestly I'm not in a rush.
What else?
Well, I'm on a family strike. My mom still hates me, I still somewhat despise her. My dad is okay and I feel bad because he suffers due to my mother hatred. My great nephew's birthday party is next weekend or whatever and I'm not going because I don't know...
I just feel like my family doesn't ever reach out to me. And then they want me to go out of my way to spend time with them. What is the point, really? I'm starting to really accept that my family and I just don't click at all. Not everyone has the amazing family that every American TV show glorifies. I don't have that family.
I have a dad who loves me with all of his heart. I have a grandmother who loves me with all of her heart. And I have a mother who had a very serious head injury who will never love me for who I am, but loves me because I'm her daughter and that's about it.
And that's really all that I can say.
Well, one last thing: I love my sister Marie because she reaches out to me. But that's it. That's really all that I can say.
That's why making tight bonds with friends is so important to me. When it comes down to it, I really have nothing else. I don't think I've ever been close to my family, except for when I was faking it. I faked it for a good five years. I'm done faking it. I just want to be myself. Yeah, I'm sure I'll have great family moments in my future but I really don't plan on going out of my way at all. Nor do I plan on faking it.
I just want to be myself. I want to accept myself and love myself. And I feel like surrounding myself with people who don't accept me and love me for who I am is only going to make this harder for me. My niece especially (my great nephew's mother who is throwing the party) always kind of made me hate myself.
I don't want to hate myself.
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