I need to write because my brain is sore from thinking so diligently. Numbers here, numbers there. The stress of responsibility often wedges itself between where you want to be and what you need to do to get to where you want to be. It's like a big chunk of our lives are spent staring at the top of the mountain from the bottom as well as attempting to climb up it.
But if you try hard enough, eventually you reach the top of that motherfucking mountain and it is brilliant. The sun shines on you, the clouds are magnificent, and the whole world can hear your cheers of joy.
And we're all bound to fall off that mountain and find ourselves at square one again. It's happened to me many times.
Right now I'm climbing up that mountain and I'm very close to the top, I can sense it. But in my typical fashion I'm scared, thinking that I'm not even looking at the mountain yet. I'm down the street at the gas station and just realized that I left my hiking bag back home.
When I was 18 I sat in front of a counselor and she said to me, "Nicole, your biggest problem is that you have a skewed perception of what's right in front of you." I hope she's right. I hope I'm just skewing the shit out of everything right now.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Sharing pizzas
Sometimes I'm afraid to write the truth because it makes it more real. It's easy to write about great things because verifying the validity of your happiness is never torturous like verifying the validity of your unhappiness. I'm not sure what's going on here. It could be hormones. I've been having rough mood swings around this time for about four months now.
I think I just hit a spot in my life where everything is theoretically awesome for a single girl. Everything is perfect. I'm self-sufficient, I solidified my own personal identity, I gathered the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for, I gained the respect of my parents, I'm doing pretty great at work, and in general I'm pretty proud of what I've become over the last two years.
In December of 2010 I left Kevin after an amazing four and a half year relationship and while most people think they know why, they don't. I can tell you why. I needed to grow. I really did. I needed to step out of the little box that we built around us. We had our own place and we were practically married for four years, and I cheated myself out of four years of youth. Four years of soul-finding, lesson-learning. I had to do that. And I finally got the chance to do that when we separated.
I don't regret it at all. I miss his companionship and I wish I could have him as a friend, because I still care about him, but sometimes things don't work out like that. I still talk to his mother regularly though and his family is still very close to my heart. I wish the best for him. I hope that he never faces another tragedy like the death of Brian ever again. I hope that every single day Shannon and his daughter Natalie put a great big smile on his face, because he deserves all of the happiness in the world.
That aside, I grew up. I created my own identity and now I'm sitting here waiting to find my next relationship like that, because this time around I'm definitely ready for it. I'm not ready for marriage and babies and all of that nonsense (I'm not sure if I'll ever want to have kids- I may consider adoption one day- and also, being "married" really means nothing to me), but I'm definitely ready for a committed relationship. I'm ready for what I had with Kevin, only a more grown up version of it.
I make a fabulous girlfriend, I do. I'm loyal, I'm loving, I'm faithful, I put whoever I'm dating first. I'd do anything for them. I'd snuggle with them when they're sad, I'd make them something to eat when they're hungry, I'd do their laundry when they're tired, I'd buy them cute gifts when they don't expect it. I'd always trust them, I'd never pry. Being a good girlfriend is in my nature. I'm as good of a girlfriend as I am a friend.
So what am I looking for? I'm looking for a guy. But if I stumble across a perfect girl, so be it. If I happen across someone who's floating somewhere in between, whatevs. Bottom line, it's all about connection with me, so if I connect with someone who doesn't happen to be a cis male, so be it.
I don't know. I'm just going to go back to eating my pizza. I ordered a whole BBQ chicken pizza tonight and nearly ate the whole thing myself. I need someone with a cute smile to share this with...
I think I just hit a spot in my life where everything is theoretically awesome for a single girl. Everything is perfect. I'm self-sufficient, I solidified my own personal identity, I gathered the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for, I gained the respect of my parents, I'm doing pretty great at work, and in general I'm pretty proud of what I've become over the last two years.
In December of 2010 I left Kevin after an amazing four and a half year relationship and while most people think they know why, they don't. I can tell you why. I needed to grow. I really did. I needed to step out of the little box that we built around us. We had our own place and we were practically married for four years, and I cheated myself out of four years of youth. Four years of soul-finding, lesson-learning. I had to do that. And I finally got the chance to do that when we separated.
I don't regret it at all. I miss his companionship and I wish I could have him as a friend, because I still care about him, but sometimes things don't work out like that. I still talk to his mother regularly though and his family is still very close to my heart. I wish the best for him. I hope that he never faces another tragedy like the death of Brian ever again. I hope that every single day Shannon and his daughter Natalie put a great big smile on his face, because he deserves all of the happiness in the world.
That aside, I grew up. I created my own identity and now I'm sitting here waiting to find my next relationship like that, because this time around I'm definitely ready for it. I'm not ready for marriage and babies and all of that nonsense (I'm not sure if I'll ever want to have kids- I may consider adoption one day- and also, being "married" really means nothing to me), but I'm definitely ready for a committed relationship. I'm ready for what I had with Kevin, only a more grown up version of it.
I make a fabulous girlfriend, I do. I'm loyal, I'm loving, I'm faithful, I put whoever I'm dating first. I'd do anything for them. I'd snuggle with them when they're sad, I'd make them something to eat when they're hungry, I'd do their laundry when they're tired, I'd buy them cute gifts when they don't expect it. I'd always trust them, I'd never pry. Being a good girlfriend is in my nature. I'm as good of a girlfriend as I am a friend.
So what am I looking for? I'm looking for a guy. But if I stumble across a perfect girl, so be it. If I happen across someone who's floating somewhere in between, whatevs. Bottom line, it's all about connection with me, so if I connect with someone who doesn't happen to be a cis male, so be it.
I don't know. I'm just going to go back to eating my pizza. I ordered a whole BBQ chicken pizza tonight and nearly ate the whole thing myself. I need someone with a cute smile to share this with...
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