I'm 23 now. Gross.

That was the most intense birthday I've ever had. It started off pretty low key. I worked the morning shift. I had Panera Bread with Amanda and Starbucks with Katie. The boys surprised me with an ice cream cake (!!!). I got tipsy off of some vodka worms. We stopped at two bars and I got incredibly drunk and sang "I Touch Myself" to Will and Kevin.

And then I went to a strip club and had two naked girls rub themselves all over me while biting me and touching my boobs.

Um...

Yeah.

They both took off my shirt and recommended that I start stripping. No lie. One girl told me how much money I could make. Man, why get a respectable job when I can dance around naked and have fun for that amount of money?! It's more than my degree is going to get me!

BUT.. I would be absolutely disturbed giving private dances to men.

Anyway, overall my birthday was great. I feel a little bit like a creep but oh well. I guess you only live once, and it was my birthday. I can be a creep on my birthday, right?! I'm going to be a good girl now and avoid strip clubs for awhile.

Prance Around Naked

I probably went a little bit overboard with Bruno's advice last night. But it was worth it.

A few days ago I was riding in the back seat of Kevin's car on a Taco Bell run. Alex, our friend, turns to the back and yells to me, "You are such a fucking man."

You know what that means?

That means that I'm turning back into what I used to be. Despite my overall intense girliness, I was actually a gigantic tomboy back in school both personality wise and clothing wise. I can feel my old personality seeping through all of the fluffiness and pinkness. It's very weird. I feel like I've been fake for a long time. I mean, for this to be so powerful that I can't help but let it out again, it must be more real than what I was the last past four years.

Maybe I can find a good balance. You know, chillax a little bit but also bust out the high heels now and then.

Last night I felt my old personality all too clearly. We went out to an (all too nice) bar with Will, Keith, and Brynn. I hated it initially. I was bored out of my mind. Sitting at a table drinking? There was no one else there, I couldn't even drunkenly dance. What a bore. And I hate to admit it, but I greatly prefer dive bars.

I literally sat there practically falling asleep until everyone started to make lesbian jokes. Which was a nice change of pace. (After I devour a plate of fries in like 3 seconds: "Shit Kevin, do you ever feed your lesbian?!)

Suddenly Kevin said it, "strip club?"

I haven't been there since I broke up with him, so I instantly perked up. But at first I said no because I'd be the designated driver for two drunken lunatics. But then I figured "fuck it."

So my night was comprised of boobs, discussion of which girl was hotter, and dollar bills. Which was awesome. At one point Will turned to me and said, "Nicole, you are officially the coolest girl I know."

I guess the lesson learned is that no matter who you are, someone will love you for what you are.

Oh and the other lesson learned is that I have a smoking hot body. No, seriously. I could totally be a stripper. Not that I want to be, but it's nice to know that my body is nice enough to prance around naked and swing on a pole. It's a nice ego booster.

Being 23. No, really. Actually BEING 23.

There are so many people in my life who are holding me up right now, and I love them with all of my heart. I don't even know where to begin. They are helping me piece my life back together, which is all too hard when you're doing it without some help.

Bruno is a guy at work who is fucking hilarious. We chat and it usually ends in a ridiculous amount of laughter. Everyone at work knows my situation because I'm actually very close with my coworkers. And Bruno offered me the absolute BEST advice anyone has given me thus far.

I told him about my dating adventures. This is how our conversation began:

Bruno: So you were married for four years, right?

Me: Not married..

Bruno: Um, right. So you were married for four years, right?

Me: Okay fine, practically.

Bruno: And now you're going on this date tomorrow, right?

Me: Right.

Bruno: And then it's going to go great and you're possibly going to be married again for four years, right? And then where will you be?

That's when the little light bulb went off in my head. He's so right.

Why do I want a relationship? I have to enjoy this time. Why can't I learn to be on my own for a little bit and rely on myself for my own happiness? Why can't I show myself that I can take care of myself and learn to be emotionally independent?

My conversation with Bruno fell into a bunch of other conversations. For instance, how he enjoyed his youth for the last few years and how he's finally ready to get a little more serious because he got it out of his system.

I never got it out of my system.

And this is the great part about it all.. it didn't hurt him to take that time out and just be independent. He has the rest of his life to find someone to share his time with. And everyone has a past.

So I'm going to relax. I'm going to let my hair down and make some new friends. I'm going to be a little bit irresponsible like most 23 year olds and make some mistakes that I probably won't ever regret. But I'll also be smart enough to avoid the mistakes that I definitely WILL regret.

I'm just going to chill out for a couple of seconds and figure things out. I don't even know anything about myself anymore. I really need to learn about Miss Nicole. I think that should be my top priority right now. I think it should be every 23 year old's priority.

A Very Good Night

I went on an amazing date tonight. It was great! She was so sweet and she had the cutest smile ever. I just loved seeing her smile. I wanted to make her smile all night. *sigh*

I just got a text from my cousin that I'd like to write here, simply because I can look back at it if times ever get rough:

"I'm so happy for you. And what you did and had to go through to get where you are now must have been so hard. I know we don't talk much and aren't close, but I'm proud of you. You're brave."

And what my niece told me:

"I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and going with your heart. I'm sure this wasn't easy."

And then there are the bazillion kind words that my sister has given me so far. They've meant the world to me.

Tonight I was so upset at the beginning, because I tell my mom everything. Every time something exciting happens, I call her up and she gets excited with me. I couldn't do that tonight. Because my mom, as you know, doesn't know about the situation. She doesn't even know that I've broken up with Kevin. She'd be hurt, disgusted, angry.. all of the above. She's extraordinarily anti-gay.

I was so upset that I had no one to talk to about my VERY EXCITING date with Holli.

Well, my sister called me and got very excited with me. She asked for all of the details and I very excitedly gave her a summary of everything that happened. It definitely completed my night. I feel upset that my mom can't be the best friend that she always is for me, but at least I have other people who care about me and want to get excited with me.

For instance, Kevin. I'm very lucky to have Kevin. He means a lot to me. He had to sit and listen to me gush about Holli for a good 5 minutes or so. Poor guy lol. I tried to make it quick and painless, while still satisfying for me.

Dating.

Dating. I haven't done it in four years and I'm very confused. This is such a confusing mess.

I met a bunch of girls but first of all, I don't understand how people go on dates with multiple people and then pick one. Because I always have a favorite and then I don't give a shit about the ones who aren't my favorites and I end up just cancelling on them.

And then my favorite turns out to be an old favorite and I find a new favorite. Then out of nowhere, the old favorite suddenly becomes interested in me and I have no interest in her.

What an emotional roller coaster! How the fuck does this work?! I don't get it. And how am I supposed to pick one?! There are so many people out there, as I've quickly learned, and what if I pick the wrong one. Or what if I accidentally lead someone on.. how do I let them down without being an utter bitch and having them hating me?

And what if I randomly like them again and want them to like me again?

I'm just very confused.

Um. ROOOOOOAR.

I'm just one of those people that needs some space. I'm not antisocial... I love talking to people. It's about being alone. I just need a decent amount of alone time or else I start to feel intruded.

I'd say.. at least two hours a day where no one moves into my bubble. Where I can sit in front of my laptop, in front of a book, or in front of the TV without someone conversing with me. Now, this doesn't count when I'm in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, that person sort of becomes a third arm or something, so I don't really notice they're there. So I can get my "alone time" with that person being there. Moving along...

I'm having an issue.

I live with Kevin. Kevin's friend is ALWAYS, always always always here. He's helping Kevin do renovations so he comes over and stays overnight and stays forever. I just feel like I'm going to scream. He's always in my bubble. This is a very small apartment so there's no escaping it. Even with the door closed, I feel like these boys are up my butt. Needless to say, Kevin is receiving free help, which is nice and all.. but it doesn't make me less AHHHH.

I think this friend is awesome. He's a great guy. He's nice. He's trying to be nice and I think he knows that I'm ten seconds away from going all serial killer on them. But I just want to bite his head off. And Kevin's. Anything that will get them away for a very very long time so I can catch up on my missed alone time.

ROOOOOOOAR.

I feel better. But not really. Kevin's at work right now and his friend is playing video games in the living room. He asked me to go get breakfast with him. Very kind. I thanked him. But right now I am craving alone time, not breakfast.

I know I sound like a bitch, but we all have needs. Alone time is just something that I cannot do without. If I go without alone time, I basically turn into Satan. I'm definitely Satan right now. And I'm about to go on an infant-eating spree.

Deep breaths Nicole, deep breaths...

Changes and Stuff

Life has been absolutely amazing. I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I like it. I feel free and all of that other corny nonsense.

And you know what, I'm so glad that Kevin has been so supportive. Without him, I would probably be crying in a corner at the moment. I never wanted to hurt him, and I'm glad that he's been okay. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I love the 10 million lesbian jokes he makes.

I love him to death.

Everything has been so much fun these last few weeks. I met a whole bunch of new people in the area and honestly, I haven't felt this way in a while. I had best friends back home that I loved with all of my heart and it was never forced. It was just this.. magnetic pull towards one another. That's how I feel right now. Like they're pulling me towards them and there's no escape. And it's good because I need new close friends and I don't want to escape.

I told a few family members and also some friends, which is nice. Everyone seems to NOT CARE AT ALL, which is great. I told one of my sisters and it was like telling her what the weather was like. It was very nonchalant and she didn't even stumble over it for a second. Very refreshing.

Actually this is the weird part.. the three family members that I told said that they were "proud" of me. Interesting. It made me feel more comfortable about my decision to turn my life into a gigantic mess.. lol! And believe me, it was a GIGANTIC mess. However, everything is coming together quite nicely now. Especially with Kevin by my side.

Keep in mind.. I'm re-coming out. I already came out once a long time ago as bisexual. Well, to everyone except for my parents. So yes, this is round two I guess. In case you are wondering, this is what I've learned:

I've always liked women more than men. Significantly. I thought I liked men enough, however, to suck it up and marry one. After four years, I felt like something was missing. And then I realized that I don't want it to be missing anymore.

Pronoun Issues

My town is just not straight. Over the last few months I've learned that there are a bajillion people in this town that belong to the LGBTQIAsdfjdaklfdjsafklsd community.

I added those extra letters in there so I don't miss anyone.

Now, as I have recently embraced my lesbianism, this is useful. But I've developed a problem.

Pronouns.

I'm going crazy. There are girls who look like girls and have girl names, girls who look like boys who go by girl names, girls who look like boys who go by boy names, girls who look like boys who go by a girl name sometimes and a boy name other times, girls who identify as boys so you better not fuck up and call them a she and.. the list goes on.

My mind is just fried. He, she.. I don't even know anymore. I'm always on edge, worrying that I'll make a mistake.

I work with someone who identifies as genderqueer. Which is awesome. I actually really like people who fall into this category and I'm sure I'll end up dating someone who is genderqueer.

Now it would be fine and dandy if my coworker went by the same name all the time. At work he goes by a boys name.. at home this person goes by his ex-name, and all of his other friends are in this weird void where they call him by his last name. Being one of his coworkers, I refer to him as a boy.

As I begin to meet more and more people, as I said before, my mind is fried. The other day I called this person a "she" right next to "him." Needless to say, being in the genderqueer category, he didn't mind much. He just laughed at me and said "Ha, that's the first time you did that." But, now my fear of making mistakes with the other people I know (who have a gender that is more set in stone) is probably going to scare me into making worse mistakes.

I'm glad I fall into the "femme" category. No one ever fucks up my pronoun. It's quite simple.

What I've Learned.

Well, here are the things I learned in 2010:

1. It feels good to stick up for yourself, even if the results are disastrous.

2. I'm more mature than most of the people my age, even though I'm also more silly than most of the people my age.

3. I'm probably going to end up dating an older woman thanks to statement above.

4. I shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that I'm not a whore, not a alcoholic, and not a partier like all of my peers. It's just who I am and someone will appreciate that.

5. While I am very ambitious and goal oriented, sometimes it's necessary to relax and enjoy what's around you. Hence why I've had my degree for several weeks and haven't started applying yet.

6. I'll probably end up settling down with someone much faster than I'm expecting.

7. I'm going to love being a teacher with all of my heart. I love kids and I love English.

8. I'm MUCH more easy going than most of the people that I meet. And I'm basically the absolute opposite of dramatic.

9. Real friends come naturally. You don't have to force it. They make you instantly comfortable.

10. I just don't like people who are pessimistic. Or people who focus on what they hate instead of what they love.