Spring Spritz

I opened up the blinds today and everything looked beautiful.  I love my neighborhood always, but it's quite enchanting after a nice spring spritz.  The birds are tweeting.  The car with the flat tires in the alleyway seems like it's a permanent fixture.  The leaveless wintered trees are rocking back and forth.

I feel like a real neighbor now.  Like this has become my home.  It takes awhile.. I've moved many times in my day.  But when a place becomes you own, it speaks to you.  It calms you when you're upset, it makes you happier when you're already happy.

Right around the corner there are three little markets bustling with people on the sidewalks, people in the aisles.  The walls outside are all grafittied up in the usual Philly way.  Across the street from our tranquil red brick rowhome there is a park with basketball courts.  A big blue building that's grafittied up as well.  I walked up there one night and it was eerie as fuck, but it made me feel more connected to the area.  I belong here. I've wandered through every crevice.

When I park my car along the trash-lined street, I get out immediately and always happen across a stranger on the sidewalk, walking to or from the Septa stop down the street.  They always smile, nod their head, tell me how beautiful of a day it is.  I love that.  I grew up in East Bumblefuck where you were lucky to see any of your neighbors ever.  I love how I recognize all of the warm faces on my block.  I love how I can walk around to another block and guarantee that I'm going to meet a new friendly face.  It's a beautiful thing.

When I move out of Ricky's house one day, I want to move to a new neighborhood in the city.  I don't care what anybody says, this is a beautiful place to live.

Dinosaur

The sky is black and it's rainy.  Not the fun kind, the kind that's piercing cold.  Andrew walked me to my car.  We were in our pajamas.  He kissed me slow a few times and said "I love you."  He had his cute smile.
I drove home.  A few minutes later he texted me.  Being in a relationship has an incredible comforting feeling, no matter how cold and rainy it is.

Last night he came with me to hang out with my friends.  The next day he told me that his favorite "Nicole" is the happy one.  The one with ADD bouncing around the bar, talking to strangers.  I like that he likes that side of me, because that's who I genuinely am.

I don't have much to say tonight because everything feels okay in the universe.

I saw a cute kitty in a pet store that wanted me to take him home.  I named him Dinosaur.  Then I whined to Andrew about how I wish I was petting Dinosaur on his couch.  He said, "Yes honey, I'll get you Dinosaur so he can ruin my nice Italian leather couch."

He cracks me up.

It's about that time.  I haven't given a run-down on my life in awhile.  Here goes.

I'm 26 now.  The world outside isn't as colorful as it used to be.  When I used to look outside, I used to see a beautiful palette of colors, painted trees dripping into the colorful lakes beneath them.  Now I just see concrete and I don't even remember when leaves look like.  Those fell off the trees ages ago.

So I'm 26.  I work at the law firm and it makes me feel like a failure.  I'm not what my mom or dad wanted out of me.  They expected bigger, better things, and they're the only two people in the world that I would do anything for.  I love them with every single piece of my beating heart.  They are the shining light in the dark alley that keeps getting darker and darker.

But I like being a paralegal, I do.  I love filing lawsuits and motions, smiling at attorneys and fighting with judicial clerks.  Why is it that I'm given the burden of pleasing my parents?  Because my parents are hard to please, I guess.

I live with my best friend.  I love her with every ounce of blood that flows through my veins.  I love her smile and that cute way about her as she flops around on the couch, gossiping to me about everyone in the universe.  I love when she's tipsy with that flask of whiskey in her hand, holding her head real close to mine and telling me that she loves me.  She's a little piece of me that I don't ever want ripped away.

My other best friend's license is suspended.  Mr. Keith.  If my parents have my heart and Ricky gets my blood flowing, Keith is definitely hiding in my bones somewhere.  He's always kept me standing.  Always gave me a reason to stand.  He always says to me, "A happy Nikki is a fun Nikki."  When I'm sad, he knows just how to cheer me up with those deep little dimples of his.  I miss him so much.

Andrew.  The biggest, most comforting enigma in my life.  I just want to fall into his soft arms and stay there.  I don't know if he wants to stay.  I want him to want to stay.  He's the salt in my tears, I think, which isn't much to be proud of.  He's the one person who can break me with as much as one word.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  But he's the one person in the world that makes me totally willing to be vulnerable.

If being with Andrew means that he might break me one day, it'll be worth every ounce of pain.  I love him.

The world is far from fair and there is no entitlement.  Life will, at some point, suck for everyone. And you can't hide from it either.  You can run away to Timbuktu and eventually life will find a new way to suck.  I guess I'll stick around and let it suck here.

I'm not fond of my job, I miss Keith, I miss security, I miss my mom and dad, I miss my grandmother, and generally I'm just not proud of who I am at all.

I'm just a plain girl these last few days.  I want to be fucking bright and colorful again.  I want to be a loose cannon running around in my underwear.  But I'm an adult now.  It fucking sucks.

when does that go away?

What a beautiful dull day. It feels like the wind is going to pick up soon. It also feels like a thunderstorm is brewing.  The clouds are blocking the sun and everything is grayish white.  I think I'm in love and it hurts.  It hurts because I'm not inside his head. I have no idea what's floating between his cute kissable ears. I only know what he tells me, and he tells me that he loves me. That I'm a beautiful girl. That he has faith in me. That he's never met someone like me before.  But words are just words.  Anyone can concoct those statements. So then he shows me how he feels. Surprises me with flowers, candy, takes me out for dinner, makes dinner for me. As a girl who's been betrayed, I never know what to do. Believe in someone, not believe in them.  I just want him to hold me close, kiss me like he did two weeks ago when he pulled up my chin and gave me two deliberate kisses. After those two deliberate kisses he said, with a tone of seriousness,  "I love you." I put my head on his warm bare chest and fell asleep there. I heard his cute heart beating and I couldn't help but give him little kisses here and there. He didn't move, he just kept me in his arms where I belonged. What is love and when do you know that you truly have it?  I've had it once before. It was the most comforting feeling I've ever had in my life. I'm not comfortable yet. I still worry.  When exactly does that go away?