Pretty Please

The best part of falling is getting back up. Today I took my first step at getting back up. Let me explain my perfect day:

Got to school and found out that I don't have to come in tomorrow.

Found out that I'm back on my mom's health insurance! Thank goodness..

My students were AMAZING today. And they really like me, which is such a compliment.

Took a five hour nap when I got home.

Went out for ice cream and potato chips.

Came home and talked to some of my best friends and a (hopefully) new friend.

I'm really hoping that tomorrow is another good day. Two in a row would be very refreshing for me. I haven't even had ONE in a long time. So two in a row would be magical.

To say that I'm feeling alone is far too much of an understatement.

I feel like a fucking random rain puddle in the middle of a desert.

hi

My life feels like it's in shambles. And it's really not. I've seen it in shambles before. Real shambles. Like.. "this could be a made-for-TV movie" shambles. You know, Lifetime shambles.

This is more of a "confused 22 year old" type of shambles.

Regardless though, the degree of shambles doesn't matter. The fact that I'm hurting does matter. The fact that I'm royally fucking myself over does matter.

I want to go home. By "home" I mean my parents' house. The tiny little shack in the woods that I moved out of four years ago for bigger, better things in Suburban Philadelphia. Yeah. Right. So much bigger, so much better.

I'm fucking miserable. I'm absolutely fucking miserable. I quit.

writer's block

Apart from walking around the house moping all of the time, nothing has happened in my life recently so I have nothing worth writing about.

I'm lost, confused, angry, lonely, hopeless after failed attempts of being hopeful, hungry and I have to pee.

Thanksgiving was not enjoyable at all. I think I would rather lie to you and say it was awesome, but I realize that lying won't make me feel any better.

I didn't see my family at all. I burned a batch of cookies. I messed up the other two batches. I sat in bed all day. I had dinner with a family that I honestly don't have too many positive feelings for. I was with someone that I love to death but.. (I'll let you finish the end of this sentence).

It sucks when you love someone so incredibly much but you can't help the way you're wired. You want to go in there and fix the wires, change things up so it works out. You're mad at yourself because of things you cannot control. But, as my dad once told me,

"Nicole, things are the way that they are."

That's not so easy to swallow when you're hurting the one person that you never ever want to hurt. The one person that you love with all of your heart.

I don't want to talk about it. I do but I don't. It makes me feel like I'm such a horrible person. I'm not a good person at all. I know I'm not. I'm absolutely horrible. There is not one thing about myself that I feel proud about right now. I stripped that all away. There is no reason for me to think that I'm a good person. I don't deserve the love that I get. I don't deserve anything.

Anyway, I'm going to stick my head in the toaster oven and down some Clorox. See you later.

Daddy

I love my dad so much. With all of my heart. My parents never made it far in life. They didn’t go to college, they don’t make much money at all, they never really had an opportunity to enjoy life…

My mom doesn’t mind. She’s very nonchalant about life and she’s always happy.

My dad, on the other hand, it kills him and I know it kills him.

My dad isn’t proud of himself. He’s ashamed of himself. And that hurts me.

I want my dad to know I’m proud of him. That I’m more proud of him than anyone else in the world. I want him to know that even though he’s ashamed of himself, I’ll never be ashamed of him.

I miss him so much and I found myself in tears tonight because I just want him to be happy. I want him to always be happy because he deserves it.

He’s been a victim of bad luck throughout his entire life. From the moment he was born. I hope that changes. It’s not his fault that he’s in the situation he’s in.

Know what kills me? That my dad loves me more than anyone in the whole entire world. He really does. I hope one day I can pay him back for all of the sacrifices he made for me. His life would've been so much better if it wasn't for me. I was a very inconvenient mistake.

Over It

Good thing they took all of those precautions yesterday. Today I found out that the middle school four blocks up the street didn't take the proper precautions and the gangs did their flash mob. Several police officers and students were injured.

That could've been us.

Needless to say, we are continuing to have police outside the building as well as taped off exits and gradual dismissals.

I'm not going to lie, I was scared out of my mind today leaving the building. This is freaking ridiculous.

Is it nap time?

Police Tape

Someone gets over the loudspeaker and says to count your students and to not allow anyone into the hallways.

Great. What now?

Well, let me say that I guessed correctly yesterday, and the mayhem was due to the gangs. And today they caused even more problems. They planned to have a flash mob outside of the school. I'm not so sure what they were going to do to our students, but considering the fact that they come from a school that is on the persistently dangerous list for things like homicide and sexual assault, I really didn't want to find out.

My cooperating teacher in the room let me leave early and it was ridiculous. Imagine hundreds of scared students filing out of one doorway, freaking out because everything is blocked off with police tape and there are cop cars and gang members all over the place.

I honestly rushed off to my car because I was nervous. Yesterday someone asked me how you know when someone is in the gang.

It may sound weird.. but their demeanor. And their age. And the fact that they hang out in packs. They hold themselves in a certain way that says "I'm up to no good" all over. And guess how excited I was when I saw about six of them right next to my car?!

*rips out hair*

They left me alone. But they looked like they were plotting. And I wasn't sticking around to find out what they were up to. I ended up getting home 10 minutes early. There was no time for cooling down. I usually take my time when I get to my car.

Uh, no. Get in, lock doors, key in, accelerate.. Bye bye death zone. See you tomorrow morning.

The Good Girl

"After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you better think’em. Has a special fate been calling you and you’re not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you’re not reading it? Is this your last, best chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?"

--Justine, The Good Girl

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

No Buns

It was about 3pm and the students get out at 3:15. Next thing you know, the principal comes over the loudspeaker with this message:

"Okay, there is nothing to panic about, but we need all of the teachers to escort their students to their lockers after school, and then out of the building. And all students must head directly home after school for their safety."

Great. Sounds fun. And you know, I'm great protection for my students. Having 5 feet tall, 115 pound me escort them to safety sounds like a great idea!

Well, needless to say, none of the teachers listened. I got into the hallways and as always, the students were running around like nothing was wrong. I booked it out of there. I wasn't getting caught up in anything that I might regret being around for later.

As soon as I get out the door, I think I see the culprit. Remember the gangs I was telling you about? Well, right across the street there was about 30 of them hovered around a truck and a gigantic creepy van. Oh, and not one police officer in sight. Of course.

However, I'm not so sure if that was the problem. There could have very well been another problem on top of that.

I'll find out tomorrow.

Anyway, I usually wear my hair up in a bun when I teach because I'm way too lazy to do my hair in the morning. Today I woke up early, however, and had my hair down.

The kids were in a frenzy. Every five minutes: "Whoa! Miss H. you have your hair down!"

The consensus was that I should wear it down from now on. We'll see. I'm not going to lie, it was a lot less high maintenance. I always gotta fix my bun during the day, but my long wavy hair kinda does it's own thing and I don't need to play with it much.

Poisoned Muffins

Today I had to leave the school early because I was so sick that I could hardly get through the lesson with the kids. It was awful. I couldn't breathe. They were all VERY sweet about it though. On the way out, every single student made it a point to tell me to feel better.

During my drive home I had hot chocolate, which made me very antsy. I want nothing more to sleep right now, but I can't sit still. I'm hoping that I'll be ready to nap by the time this entry is over.

Yesterday I went to Athena's wedding. Athena was my best friend for about three years or so. We were inseparable. I spent every single day with her during school and after school. And then she got a new best friend. Who told Athena that I was "a lesbian" and that Athena had to watch out for me.

Annnnd a few days later: "Nicole, I love you, but I'm not IN love with you."

Now that was awkward. But we got over it rather quickly.. and then we gave the girl a muffin that had one of Dusty's cat treats in the center and some cat medication mixed into the batter.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Maybe it's bad karma from my poisoned muffin days. I hope I feel MUCH better tomorrow.

Chocolate Cupcakes

There are few things I like more than those people who can socialize with absolutely anyone for long periods of time, even if they have never seen them before in their lives. I always look around for awhile to find at least one of "those people" at shows because otherwise it can be slightly boring.

You always know when it's one of "them" when they bump into you and don't just say sorry, they grab your shoulder and smile and give you a full sentence about why they bumped into you and how sorry they are.

And then 20 minutes later.. you have had the most random fucking conversation on the planet.

I love those people.

Last night was definitely one of those places just jammed packed with those people. I could totally sense it. Just the way everyone looked at one another. It's a nice feeling. You don't feel like anyone is judging anyone. They just wanna have a good talk with random strangers.

The show was fun last night. I bumped into some fascinating people. Oh, and I don't know how I've been to so many of their shows without meeting their manager, but I met him for the first time last night. At the end I never said goodbye to the band. They probably wondered why I randomly vanished.

I'm slightly disappointed that I never got my cupcake. One of the girls made the band six cupcakes, and there are only four people in the band so they were going to give the other two to me and my friend, but we left without them.

"Jeremiah, is there anything interesting mixed into these?"

Something you always have to ask when Jeremiah offers you something. lol.

His response: "I don't know, let's find out!"

Taking Chances

If you don't want to hear me rant about teacher shit, skip down to the NON-TEACHERSHIT portion.

Over the last few days about 4 or 5 teachers have told me that they're considering quitting. They keep saying that the school is getting too dangerous. Well, I have to agree. I feel safe in my classroom, but definitely not outside of my classroom.

In other news, today I was sitting in the back of the room grading papers while my co-op was watching the kids. Next thing you know, a cop is banging on the door. One of our kids was throwing things at parked cars through the window.

Drama drama drama.

Oh, and as if my hands aren't full enough.. the kids who were taken out of the normal classrooms due to dangerous behavior are being transitioned back into our classrooms on Monday. And of course I have about 5 of these kids. Sounds fun.

NON-TEACHERSHIT

This weekend will be busy. Tomorrow I work at the coffee house, then I'm seeing a band that I'm friends with perform in Kensington (Yeah I know, I'll try to NOT get stabbed). Then on Sunday I'm going to a wedding. Where I'm going to puke all over the place. (Weddings gross me out more and more as I get older).

And then I'll bust into my school on Monday with a hangover and running eyeliner.

Fun times.

I'm really hoping that I can get my hair cut this weekend. I used to cut it myself but I haven't in.. 4 years? Because Kevin's aunt works at Regis and she cuts/colors it fo' free! But maybe I'll take a chance and just chop that shit off on my own. Why not? I'll probably die in the hallway at the school sometime soon anyway.

Getting this straight.

So let me get this straight.

Manslaughter, manslaughter, murder, murder, murder, attempted suicide..

Yeah, as if I don't see enough of that stuff.

Moving along.

Today was a mixed bag.

First a student told me that I was the best teacher that she has ever had and that she's going to remember me for the rest of her life.

Then a student told me that he wants to be a cop when he grows up because he wants to kill people.

Considering the fact that he already has a criminal record, this concerns me.

Anyway.. moving along..

Breaks.

Great day for someone close to me to end up in an ICU for attempted suicide. My first day off in 10 weeks.

Not his fault, I know, but ... I was really looking forward to this break and it was honestly pretty horrible.

Music music music

I've never ever been one to turn down a concert. And in little old lady fashion, I sold my tickets to a concert that was on Tuesday.

And I regret it. So bad. I should've been there in the front row singing and dancing like an idiot like usual.

So yesterday when I was confronted with the question of whether or not I should be irresponsible and go to a show in Philly on Saturday night, I decided to be irresponsible. And I know I won't regret it.

I'll be driving though. Which means like.. one drink. Which is okay. I can enjoy music while still being able to stand properly and rub my tummy while patting my head.

In other news, my niece is having a baby. Such shocking news! But very exciting.

Nap Time Please

To say that today was a fucking nightmare is a serious understatement.

Let me set the scene:

It's 9:15am. I am told to go to the room with the kids who have behavior problems.

I walk in. There are four "bodyguard"-like men and two teachers.

Two students are in a physical fight in front of the blackboard. One kid is being issued a detention and ripping it up in front of one of the teachers' faces. Another student is storming out of the room, screaming that she's "fucking pissed that [she] can't learn in this place." Another teacher is shoving her finger down the mouth of a student who won't spit out his gum. One of the bodyguards is loosening the grip of a student's hold on a computer monitor, trying to prevent him from breaking it. Another bodyguard is telling a kid to stop whining about his hand, because it's his fault for breaking a window with it. Oh, and one kid is yelling that he needs an escort to the bathroom right away or he's going to pee on the floor.

AHHHHHH! *shoots self*

I seriously cannot wait for tomorrow. I literally want to hug my 8th graders. I witnessed Hell in classroom form today, and you know what, I am never EVER staying in a Philadelphia school.

The first offer I get outside of the city, I'm taking it. I don't even care what the pay is like. If there's some sort of pay loss because it's a private school, it will totally be worth my sanity. This was.. rough. Too rough.

I felt so bad for the main teacher of the room. Out of the 4 hours I spent in that room, she maybe taught them 10 minutes worth of material.

What a long day.

Weird.

Tomorrow for some stupid reason I'm going to be networking at one of the most dangerous high schools in Philly. Smart decision, Nicole. I tried to start casual conversation with someone at the school the other day, to feel it out... I was expecting some sort of contradictory response like "Oh, it's not that bad."

No. He told me that it's horrible and that a lot of kids get brought out in handcuffs. Oh, and that a lot of the kids don't even show up.

Great.

I had a great student who kept calling out in class. We asked him where he went to school where he didn't have to raise his hand. He said that he went to school in North Philly and that it was so bad that the teachers would hide because they were afraid and sometimes the kids would just leave.

Annnnnd this is what they give me to work with.

Then I wonder why I have students writing to me, "When I grow up I want to be a police officer because I like violence and I like to shoot people." People look at me crazy when I tell them that I can't be blunt with the kids because I don't want to get punched in the face. Um, with things like that I probably should be worried about far worse things than just getting punched in the face.

On a positive note, on Friday a student told me that I was the best teacher she's ever had. Nothing like a nice comment to wash away all of the negativity.

It Feels Good

I informed one of the teachers down the hall that I got nearly all 4's on my evaluation (and a 4 is a perfect score). Her response was:

"Well the kids... talk... so I knew you were a good teacher."

And then she left.

What the hell are they talking about?! The way she said it, I wasn't sure if she meant that they were talking in a positive way, or if they were like "Man that bitch is tough, she gave me like 37 zeros."

Oh well, the good news is that regardless of what they're talking about, it resulted in her thinking I'm a good teacher.

My favorite thing on the planet is when I have a "good teaching" day. Now there are days where the kids are learning.. but not so much that I can measure it. I love days when I teach so well that I can feel it in the room. I can see it on their faces. And they have to work hard to get an answer, and yet about 10 hands raise when I ask for the answer.

Then I give them a test and nearly everyone gets a hundred. Seriously, I have about 90 students. About 80 of them got hundreds on the test today because they all soaked up the information like sponges.

You have no idea how good that feels.

How to Deal

I'm currently in my kitchen covered in flour and splatter marks. I haven't cooked in awhile, and I forgot how to cook without ending up just as messy as the interior of the pots and pans.

I made a German dish: Think lots of dumplings and roux.

Today went very well. I got evaluated and received amazing ratings. I guess I'm well on my way to becoming a good teacher.

Well, up until the point where a student gets all up in my grill. Which happened today. But I usually do reverse psychology on them. They misbehave, I ignore it, and then I compliment them on something else. Then they want nothing but to please me.

It worked. It usually works.

When I was in North Philly, a teacher told me that his classroom would NOT pay attention to the directions for an assignment so he started talking to the wall...

"Hi wall. This is what you're supposed to do.... *gives directions*"

Then he turned around and they were all looking at him, probably thinking "what.. the.. fuck?"

He said, "Oh! Sorry guys, I was explaining the directions to the wall. See, he does the exact same thing you do when I give him directions too!"

It's so funny, the things that teachers come up with.

It worked wonders, by the way. Every single student in the room knew what to do after that.

Teaching is truly an art. Every movement you make, every word you say, every transition you create, every ordering of sentences makes a difference. If I order two sentences incorrectly, I can totally lose the class for a good 10 minutes.

Today I said "You guys did great today! You all read so beautifully!" before I said the directions for the next activity. Wrong move on my part. I lost them at "You guys did great..." It took me about 5 minutes to reel them back in. I should have given the directions first while I had their attention.

Teaching is acting. 100%. I'm an improvisational actress 5 days a week. Do you know how hard it is to keep 33 hormonal 8th graders interested for 90 minutes straight three times a day? I have to do everything short of lion taming.

"Miss, can I stab him with my pencil? He took my idea."

All day I deal with this, all day... I've never had to be so witty in my entire life.

Poor Veronica

Navigating around Philadelphia isn't a big deal to me anymore. The only thing I seem to find an issue with is parking. As for the driving thing, Philadelphia isn't like your normal grid city. There are lots of angles and .. I don't know, all sorts of weird random things that seem to confuse the grid system. But it's okay because I have an amazing sense of direction.

Good thing.

Today I had a meeting to attend in North Philly and not only was I missing my GPS plug, but there were three detours, there was a massive amount of traffic, and I had the wrong address of the location anyway.

So, I surprised myself and got to what I think is going to be the location after all of the detours and traffic and driving by memory, and the building is nowhere in sight.

I drive around in.. somewhat squares (as I said, a very confused grid city) and start asking random strangers. The first woman is afraid of me. The second woman is deaf. The next man tells me where it is, but he's wrong. The third woman knew where it was but "didn't know how to explain it." Eventually I found it.

All of these people lived within a mile of the location, but they didn't know where it was. I find that so bizarre. For living in a city, they really live in tiny boxes.

Anyway, then I get there and there isn't a parking spot open for 2 miles. Literally. So there I am, leaving Veronica alone on some creepy street, walking through high weeds littered with broken glass, dog poop, and trash.

Well, the good news is that I survived. And now I know that area of Philadelphia pretty well. Who knows, maybe I'll end up teaching there.