It was still dark and I didn't even know I was doing it. It was 6:30 in the morning and I was reading an investment blog, trying to figure out which stocks I should invest in. I looked around and determined, "Oh shit, I'm awake." So I stood up, turned on a low light, and walked over to the mirror. I lifted my shirt and smiled. When your personal trainer busts your butt and you spend your night doing burpees, squats, sit-ups and push-ups, you want to see the results. I see it. I'm thankful for each pretty line in my abdominal region because it means I'm taking good care of my body. I want to live a long, healthy life.
I went downstairs and put the kettle on the stove because my first step of the day is a cup of green tea. As that warms up, I pour organic oats into a bowl and top it with sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin puree, a little bit of strawberry preserves, cinnamon, coconut cream and water. I warm that up. So after my breakfast is made and the dog has peed and I've lit the candle that I light ritualistically every Saturday and Sunday morning, I sit in bed and get ready to read, blog, work on poetry, or watch a lighthearted comedy. Today I chose blogging, but I think I'm going to read after this. Either I'll continue my novel (About a Boy) or I'll continue reading up on stocks followed by the news.
Every Saturday and Sunday, I do a similar variation of the above. I find it extremely therapeutic. Actually, I don't know what I'd do without it.
This past week was lovely. My friends (Alyssa and Buddy) invited me over to their home for a great dinner (vegetarian sweet potato burgers with asparagus). It was a reminder that no matter how old I become, I'm still Nicole and I still surround myself with people who are like Nicole. I mean, we discussed polyamory, looked at porn, planned a strip club visit, and talked about uncircumcised penises. Yup, I'm still Nicole.
Today should be good as well. I'm going to my attorney's daughter's bat mitzvah tonight. I'm excited to get dressed up, indulge in an open bar, and eat eat eat!
The other night I was at a show with my friends and Buddy said, "Where's Nicole? I just want Nicole back." I admit that I've been a different human for the last past seven months, and I do think it has been a turning point (I think I'm diving into actual adulthood), but I want Nicole back too. The new and improved 26 year old Nicole that will put smiles on my friends' faces every time I enter a room.
I want that so bad and I'm well on my way. My personal trainer is helping more than he knows. Everything is going to be okay.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
Turning point
A lot can change in a year. A lot. It's October 10, 2014. Where was I on October 10, 2013? A different town. I had a different job. I hadn't had my heart broken yet, nor had I fallen in love a second time yet. I wasn't a city resident. I didn't have a personal trainer. I wasn't going to therapy. I was happy. I'm happy now.. but a different kind. It takes work to be happy now. But I'm willing to work as hard as I need to, because I want to be happy.
I was happily single and seeing a few people. Chris Thompson put a little crack in my heart but he hardly broke it. My relationship with my parents was building but it hadn't yet blossomed into the beautiful flower that it is now. I lived alone, not with a roommate. Keith and I were still good friends and it wasn't as turbulent as it is now. I hadn't explored nearly as much as I have now. I have been quite an adventurer for the last year, sneaking my way into every nook and cranny of this perfect city. I wasn't financially secure like I am now. I wasn't considering investing in stock and I wasn't planning a trip to Hawaii next year with my parents. I didn't have a 401k. I wasn't lucky enough to have been asked into my friend Alyssa's wedding yet. I didn't really have any real close female friends then. I do now. I'm thankful for that Women need to stick together and support each other. When the men wuss out on us, we need a nice strong woman to help us regain our stability.
My face wasn't aging. I can feel it now, though. I need that moisturizer I put on. I don't get carded anymore, except when I'm with younger friends. I dress like a young professional most days, and then when I go out to play at night I rock bright red lipstick and crazy clothes I wouldn't have dared to wear a year ago. I still smoke a cigar when I'm really sad. I don't drink much alcohol anymore though, minus my weekly margarita that I need to remain sane. I'm making doctor's appointments now just to check in, making sure nothing's wrong, because the people around me are starting to get their first real health problems that you don't really have to worry about as a kid.
A year ago I wrote poetry, but I didn't share it. I share it now, all of it. A year ago I wasn't over Kevin, now I think back at the way he used to choke me with tears running down his face,
I am finally, as of right now, a woman. Life finally chewed me up hard, spit me out and laughed in my defeated little face. But you know why, I feel stronger now than ever. The person that I am is so concrete.
Who am I? That girl who grew up in a small town with a white dad, Puerto Rican mom. I grew up around drug and alcohol abuse, and I'm okay with that. I attempted suicide in 2001 and I accept that. I did a lot of inhalants to escape the world that was caving in on me. I cried when my dad said he wanted to put a bullet through his brain. I cried when my mom sat on the edge of my bed and asked me if she should leave my dad. I loved my sisters and brothers even though my dad told me I shouldn't. I was sexually molested by an older female relative and I've come to terms with that. I hold no grudges against her and I love her now, because she made mistakes and we all do. I was weird. I thought I was a lesbian. I wrote a lot of poetry. I loved learning French. I had good friends, two gay guys and a straight female. I loved them with all of my heart. I gave my friends my all. I had no real relationship in high school, just casually dated. In college I skiied, I golfed, I fell in love for the first time. I was the president of my college's democrat club. I was beaten by my boyfriend when no one was looking. A horrible murder occurred in the house where I lived. I had horrible health problems because of my anxiety- in and out of the emergency room. On medication, off of it, on medication, off of it. Gained weight, had a personal trainer, did yoga, lost the weight. Went to Scotland, Canada. Moved over ten times in 4 years. Had three jobs at the same time at one point. Taught 8th grade English in an inner city school. Survived off of food purchased by the foodstamps of a mentally disabled man. Sat quietly in the emergency room with a suicide victim. Made a man so angry that he punched a brick wall and threatened to kill me and my whole family. Broke someone's heart. Dated women, transexuals, men, men dressed in corsets with fishnet stockings, women dressed like men who were somehow more feminine than me. Went home with swingers that I met at a bar. Had my first threesome with two older lesbians. Thought I contracted HIV, but I didn't. Walked through the most dangerous part of the city at 3 in the morning with no weapon, took a break on a stoop in one of the most dangerous housing projects in the city where I wrote a poem about the mosquitoes buzzing in the yellow streetlamp light. Wore a Superman onesie at a housewarming party. Dressed up like a naughty school girl for my friend's birthday. Been to more strip clubs than I can count with more people than I can count. Gotten high with friends, gotten drunk with friends. Woke up naked on the bathroom floor, woke up dry heaving in the corner. Sat in a van in Brooklyn in a cloud of smoke with a stranger who paints penises doing things for a living. Listened as my friends prevented my roommate from raping a helpless intoxicated girl who was only 17. Slept on a stranger's floor. Found the core of my sexuality and finally figured out what I need to satisfy my desires.
And after all of this, the turning point came with one name: Andrew.
Christopher didn't do it. He knocked a little crack into my heart but boy oh boy did Andrew just straight up break it in half. I sat in a room and watched someone that I love put a gun to his head and tell me that he didn't love me anymore. I watched him drink so much that I went to the hospital with him and sat by his side, knowing that all of his health problems were from the 15 beers he had the night before. And you know what?
I survived all of the ridiculousness above and blossomed into a woman somewhere in 2014. A woman in a business suit with beautiful wrinkles forming by her aging eyes. A woman with tight abs under her shirt and a strong brain in her head, a great job in her hands. A brilliant future ahead of her with nothing but beauty to counteract all of the darkness in her past. The BEST part is that all of that stuff up there? I accept every single piece of it. It makes me love myself even harder, knowing the bullshit I've seen, done, been wrapped up in. I am a strong woman. A strong independent woman who is deserving of a young man who is just as strong as me. I deserve that, I know I do. People say that entitlement is a bad thing. Yes, entitlement is a bad thing. But look, I have been through so much to get where I am.. and I can say wholeheartedly that I deserve an amazing person and yes, I'm entitled to one. Isn't it my turn yet to have something beautiful?
I'll wait. I'll be patient now. I'm okay and I am willing to give it more time. However long he needs, I'll wait.
That aside, I have learned a lot. I learned that:
1. Heartbreak happens but it's worth the risk of loving wholeheartedly
2. I have the power to break the pattern of abusive and co-dependent relationships.
3. I need to stop thinking that I need to take care of other people. I need to take care of me.
4. Sometimes I'M the problem, and I need to own up to my mistakes and change accordingly.
5. Life isn't always easy, so enjoy it with every piece of your being when it is.
6. Enjoy every second you have with the people you love, because they can disappear at any time.
7. Be kind to people. They have it hard too.
8. Stop trying to be perfect, because something's gotta give.
9. Perfect relationships don't exist, but healthy relationships do.
10. I must love my mom and dad with every piece of my being- They gave up everything for me.
11. I need to do things that remind me of how much I love myself: I need to take myself out for dinner, hire a personal trainer, do yoga, do my nails, go on walks, buy pretty things, dance, laugh, make new friends.
I'm 26 and this is just the beginning. I'll add more things to that list every single year. But this year was, I believe , the biggest turning point I've had in quite awhile. I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for every second of grief that I had, because it made me really feel the smile that I have on my face right this second. I love who I am. And I'm lucky to be here. Life is short...
I was happily single and seeing a few people. Chris Thompson put a little crack in my heart but he hardly broke it. My relationship with my parents was building but it hadn't yet blossomed into the beautiful flower that it is now. I lived alone, not with a roommate. Keith and I were still good friends and it wasn't as turbulent as it is now. I hadn't explored nearly as much as I have now. I have been quite an adventurer for the last year, sneaking my way into every nook and cranny of this perfect city. I wasn't financially secure like I am now. I wasn't considering investing in stock and I wasn't planning a trip to Hawaii next year with my parents. I didn't have a 401k. I wasn't lucky enough to have been asked into my friend Alyssa's wedding yet. I didn't really have any real close female friends then. I do now. I'm thankful for that Women need to stick together and support each other. When the men wuss out on us, we need a nice strong woman to help us regain our stability.
My face wasn't aging. I can feel it now, though. I need that moisturizer I put on. I don't get carded anymore, except when I'm with younger friends. I dress like a young professional most days, and then when I go out to play at night I rock bright red lipstick and crazy clothes I wouldn't have dared to wear a year ago. I still smoke a cigar when I'm really sad. I don't drink much alcohol anymore though, minus my weekly margarita that I need to remain sane. I'm making doctor's appointments now just to check in, making sure nothing's wrong, because the people around me are starting to get their first real health problems that you don't really have to worry about as a kid.
A year ago I wrote poetry, but I didn't share it. I share it now, all of it. A year ago I wasn't over Kevin, now I think back at the way he used to choke me with tears running down his face,
I am finally, as of right now, a woman. Life finally chewed me up hard, spit me out and laughed in my defeated little face. But you know why, I feel stronger now than ever. The person that I am is so concrete.
Who am I? That girl who grew up in a small town with a white dad, Puerto Rican mom. I grew up around drug and alcohol abuse, and I'm okay with that. I attempted suicide in 2001 and I accept that. I did a lot of inhalants to escape the world that was caving in on me. I cried when my dad said he wanted to put a bullet through his brain. I cried when my mom sat on the edge of my bed and asked me if she should leave my dad. I loved my sisters and brothers even though my dad told me I shouldn't. I was sexually molested by an older female relative and I've come to terms with that. I hold no grudges against her and I love her now, because she made mistakes and we all do. I was weird. I thought I was a lesbian. I wrote a lot of poetry. I loved learning French. I had good friends, two gay guys and a straight female. I loved them with all of my heart. I gave my friends my all. I had no real relationship in high school, just casually dated. In college I skiied, I golfed, I fell in love for the first time. I was the president of my college's democrat club. I was beaten by my boyfriend when no one was looking. A horrible murder occurred in the house where I lived. I had horrible health problems because of my anxiety- in and out of the emergency room. On medication, off of it, on medication, off of it. Gained weight, had a personal trainer, did yoga, lost the weight. Went to Scotland, Canada. Moved over ten times in 4 years. Had three jobs at the same time at one point. Taught 8th grade English in an inner city school. Survived off of food purchased by the foodstamps of a mentally disabled man. Sat quietly in the emergency room with a suicide victim. Made a man so angry that he punched a brick wall and threatened to kill me and my whole family. Broke someone's heart. Dated women, transexuals, men, men dressed in corsets with fishnet stockings, women dressed like men who were somehow more feminine than me. Went home with swingers that I met at a bar. Had my first threesome with two older lesbians. Thought I contracted HIV, but I didn't. Walked through the most dangerous part of the city at 3 in the morning with no weapon, took a break on a stoop in one of the most dangerous housing projects in the city where I wrote a poem about the mosquitoes buzzing in the yellow streetlamp light. Wore a Superman onesie at a housewarming party. Dressed up like a naughty school girl for my friend's birthday. Been to more strip clubs than I can count with more people than I can count. Gotten high with friends, gotten drunk with friends. Woke up naked on the bathroom floor, woke up dry heaving in the corner. Sat in a van in Brooklyn in a cloud of smoke with a stranger who paints penises doing things for a living. Listened as my friends prevented my roommate from raping a helpless intoxicated girl who was only 17. Slept on a stranger's floor. Found the core of my sexuality and finally figured out what I need to satisfy my desires.
And after all of this, the turning point came with one name: Andrew.
Christopher didn't do it. He knocked a little crack into my heart but boy oh boy did Andrew just straight up break it in half. I sat in a room and watched someone that I love put a gun to his head and tell me that he didn't love me anymore. I watched him drink so much that I went to the hospital with him and sat by his side, knowing that all of his health problems were from the 15 beers he had the night before. And you know what?
I survived all of the ridiculousness above and blossomed into a woman somewhere in 2014. A woman in a business suit with beautiful wrinkles forming by her aging eyes. A woman with tight abs under her shirt and a strong brain in her head, a great job in her hands. A brilliant future ahead of her with nothing but beauty to counteract all of the darkness in her past. The BEST part is that all of that stuff up there? I accept every single piece of it. It makes me love myself even harder, knowing the bullshit I've seen, done, been wrapped up in. I am a strong woman. A strong independent woman who is deserving of a young man who is just as strong as me. I deserve that, I know I do. People say that entitlement is a bad thing. Yes, entitlement is a bad thing. But look, I have been through so much to get where I am.. and I can say wholeheartedly that I deserve an amazing person and yes, I'm entitled to one. Isn't it my turn yet to have something beautiful?
I'll wait. I'll be patient now. I'm okay and I am willing to give it more time. However long he needs, I'll wait.
That aside, I have learned a lot. I learned that:
1. Heartbreak happens but it's worth the risk of loving wholeheartedly
2. I have the power to break the pattern of abusive and co-dependent relationships.
3. I need to stop thinking that I need to take care of other people. I need to take care of me.
4. Sometimes I'M the problem, and I need to own up to my mistakes and change accordingly.
5. Life isn't always easy, so enjoy it with every piece of your being when it is.
6. Enjoy every second you have with the people you love, because they can disappear at any time.
7. Be kind to people. They have it hard too.
8. Stop trying to be perfect, because something's gotta give.
9. Perfect relationships don't exist, but healthy relationships do.
10. I must love my mom and dad with every piece of my being- They gave up everything for me.
11. I need to do things that remind me of how much I love myself: I need to take myself out for dinner, hire a personal trainer, do yoga, do my nails, go on walks, buy pretty things, dance, laugh, make new friends.
I'm 26 and this is just the beginning. I'll add more things to that list every single year. But this year was, I believe , the biggest turning point I've had in quite awhile. I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for every second of grief that I had, because it made me really feel the smile that I have on my face right this second. I love who I am. And I'm lucky to be here. Life is short...
Friday, October 3, 2014
Skyscrapers
Being an adult is a strange thing that I'm not yet accustomed to. I feel like I grew up at the blink of an eye. And I remember the moment where it dawned on me. I just got out of work an hour late. I was feeling the adrenaline rush that I always do after a day of court emergencies, difficult defense counsel issues, and intense client interactions.
On a normal day, when I get out of work I march out of the office and hop on the elevator. I'm surrounded by men and women in business suits and a few in scrubs (as there's an urgent care facility in our 9-story building).
As I leave the elevator, I hear my high heels clip-clopping on the hard floor, and I leave the shiny glass windows behind me and get into my silver SUV. It's shiny on the inside. When I sit down I feel like I'm still moving. I can almost feel the blood rushing because the day was so good. Something about interrogatories, negotiating with judges, and running around the office collecting Exhibit "A" and Exhibit "B" really gets me going. And I don't stop. I don't wind down for a few hours.
So I drive right over to the Acme to get a salad, because I have too many things to do during the night and I need to eat NOW. I experience this frequently. I pull into the dark underground parking garage and walk into the Acme that might seem a little sketchy- but I've lived in a sketchy neighborhood long enough now that it doesn't phase me.
And the day where it dawned on me, when I realized that I grew up at the blink of an eye, I had already walked to the second floor of the Acme and my high heels were clip-clopping loudly and quickly on the grocery store floor. I was a woman on a mission, dressed nicely in my Banana Republic outfit, quickly slipping through the slow moving shoppers with a look of authority. People were moving out of my way to let me get to wherever the hell it was that I was going. I was holding onto my wallet in my hand because I didn't want to be bothered with a purse.
And I don't know, but when I got to the frozen food aisle right before the salad bar, it hit me. And I felt a smile come across my face. A question popped up in my head. "WHEN did I become this person?! It's like I'm an.. adult!"
I was telling my mom tonight while I was driving home from a mall in northeast Philly, "Mom, I feel like I accomplished a lot and I didn't even try. It's weird. How did I become this person?"
Jesus, I'm a personal injury paralegal now. I have a degree- I double majored in college. I passed my Praxis, I'm a certified teacher. I spent my night tonight researching stocks because I want to start investing in the near future, and I consider this FUN. I talked to my dad on the phone about 401ks and how my big goal now, outside of my salary goal for 2017, is to become a law firm administrator or director of operations in about 15 years or so.
When did I become this person? This person who keeps telling people, "Yes, I'll go golfing with you. I have custom-made golf clubs." The person who has enough free time on her hands outside of all of this hard work that she takes the time to work hard on her passion- poetry, and post it online for other people to enjoy.
When did I become this person? The girl living in a big city in one of the nicest neighborhoods Philly has to offer, saying, "Oh yes, I'm going to Hawaii next year. Maybe Australia too." And to know that one is definite and the other is completely plausible (I might skip out on it though- invest that money in a stock and hopefully get a nice return, and have an even better two vacations in 2015).
I don't know who this girl is but I do love her. I do. I love myself. You know, I had my heart broken badly but you know, therapy is healing those wounds and making me an even stronger woman than I was to begin with. One that I can be extremely proud of. One that I would have never become if he was still in my life. Beautiful things are coming my way, I'm sure. Heartbreak is one of those things- it needs to happen. It had to happen at some point. Hearts are fragile and you need to build up some scar tissue to really truly reach your highest potential.
I have faith in myself. If I keep going to counseling, start taking smart financial risks, continue to grow professionally, I am going to have a beautiful life one day. Actually, it's getting more and more beautiful every single day. I am lucky.
I have both of my parents. They're healthy and happy. That right there is enough to be incredibly thankful for. I love them so much and I should never ever forget to cherish each second that I have with them. And I make them proud, I know I do. But I'm not done. I have much more to make them proud about, I know it.
On a normal day, when I get out of work I march out of the office and hop on the elevator. I'm surrounded by men and women in business suits and a few in scrubs (as there's an urgent care facility in our 9-story building).
As I leave the elevator, I hear my high heels clip-clopping on the hard floor, and I leave the shiny glass windows behind me and get into my silver SUV. It's shiny on the inside. When I sit down I feel like I'm still moving. I can almost feel the blood rushing because the day was so good. Something about interrogatories, negotiating with judges, and running around the office collecting Exhibit "A" and Exhibit "B" really gets me going. And I don't stop. I don't wind down for a few hours.
So I drive right over to the Acme to get a salad, because I have too many things to do during the night and I need to eat NOW. I experience this frequently. I pull into the dark underground parking garage and walk into the Acme that might seem a little sketchy- but I've lived in a sketchy neighborhood long enough now that it doesn't phase me.
And the day where it dawned on me, when I realized that I grew up at the blink of an eye, I had already walked to the second floor of the Acme and my high heels were clip-clopping loudly and quickly on the grocery store floor. I was a woman on a mission, dressed nicely in my Banana Republic outfit, quickly slipping through the slow moving shoppers with a look of authority. People were moving out of my way to let me get to wherever the hell it was that I was going. I was holding onto my wallet in my hand because I didn't want to be bothered with a purse.
And I don't know, but when I got to the frozen food aisle right before the salad bar, it hit me. And I felt a smile come across my face. A question popped up in my head. "WHEN did I become this person?! It's like I'm an.. adult!"
I was telling my mom tonight while I was driving home from a mall in northeast Philly, "Mom, I feel like I accomplished a lot and I didn't even try. It's weird. How did I become this person?"
Jesus, I'm a personal injury paralegal now. I have a degree- I double majored in college. I passed my Praxis, I'm a certified teacher. I spent my night tonight researching stocks because I want to start investing in the near future, and I consider this FUN. I talked to my dad on the phone about 401ks and how my big goal now, outside of my salary goal for 2017, is to become a law firm administrator or director of operations in about 15 years or so.
When did I become this person? This person who keeps telling people, "Yes, I'll go golfing with you. I have custom-made golf clubs." The person who has enough free time on her hands outside of all of this hard work that she takes the time to work hard on her passion- poetry, and post it online for other people to enjoy.
When did I become this person? The girl living in a big city in one of the nicest neighborhoods Philly has to offer, saying, "Oh yes, I'm going to Hawaii next year. Maybe Australia too." And to know that one is definite and the other is completely plausible (I might skip out on it though- invest that money in a stock and hopefully get a nice return, and have an even better two vacations in 2015).
I don't know who this girl is but I do love her. I do. I love myself. You know, I had my heart broken badly but you know, therapy is healing those wounds and making me an even stronger woman than I was to begin with. One that I can be extremely proud of. One that I would have never become if he was still in my life. Beautiful things are coming my way, I'm sure. Heartbreak is one of those things- it needs to happen. It had to happen at some point. Hearts are fragile and you need to build up some scar tissue to really truly reach your highest potential.
I have faith in myself. If I keep going to counseling, start taking smart financial risks, continue to grow professionally, I am going to have a beautiful life one day. Actually, it's getting more and more beautiful every single day. I am lucky.
I have both of my parents. They're healthy and happy. That right there is enough to be incredibly thankful for. I love them so much and I should never ever forget to cherish each second that I have with them. And I make them proud, I know I do. But I'm not done. I have much more to make them proud about, I know it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)