New Year's Resolutions

And here they are:

1. Do NOT hop right into another relationship. Enjoy the freedom.

2. Go on a bajillion dates with hot girls. Explore your options.

3. Get a job in the education field.

4. Make more friends in town.

5. Sell Veronica and get something more snow-friendly.

Destined

Things have changed. A lot. And I'm scared but also really excited to see what's in store for me.

Over the last few days I've been conversing with a lot of girls. Which has been exciting and fun. I'm getting coffee with one tomorrow. She just wants to be friends though. And shortly after I found out that out of the four boys I lived with in 2006 (Kevin, Gary, Hal, and Dylan), three were gay. Which gave me an epiphany...

Seriously, at least 98% of my friends are gay. I just fit snugly into the gay community. Now, I definitely have some straight friends, but it's an extraordinarily small amount.

I was fucked. Totally fucked. This was going to happen no matter how hard I'd try to prevent it.

I feel free and happy and concerned and I want to hug Kevin and tell him how important he is to me.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." -Robert Frost.

Political Rant

I get really mad when democrats say that Obama hasn't done anything. Especially on days like today when I watched him sign the bill to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. And especially a few days ago when I found out that I no longer have to pay a ridiculous amount of money every month because I can hop back onto my mom's plan thanks to Obama.

Now, personally, I don't care when republicans say that he hasn't done anything. Because frankly, they won't like him no matter what he does or doesn't do. But when a democrat goes all "I'm voting republican next year," I want to gouge their eyes out with a pencil.

Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit crazy. And I am. I know I am. I mean, being the ex-president of the democrats club on campus, I think it's kind of a given. But really.. look at the things he has done, not the things he hasn't gotten around to yet.

This really angered me: My best friend in the whole entire world is a republican. Oh well. I mean, I'm friends with a lot of republicans. Just like I'm friends with a lot of Christians and whatnot, despite my atheism. But this is the part that angered me:

"Hey Nick, doesn't it bother you that most republicans don't give a shit about your rights, as a gay person?"

"No Nicole, my rights aren't as important to me. My rights can wait."

Um.. what?! *shoots self*

This is why I refuse to discuss politics with anyone anymore. I just get too annoyed. It's not worth my time. I'm done. *breath of relief*

Let's pretend this never happened.

Up and Down

My goal over these last few weeks has been to do what is best for me while only minimally hurting the people around me that this affects. I haven't been too great with that goal, but I'm doing my best. And I guess that's really all I can do.

I've been walking on eggshells so my breaking point has been pretty low. A few days ago I told my best friend to fuck off. I told him that he's never there for me when I need him. I think it put him into shock and he kind of backed away. I haven't heard from him since. I guess a serious apology is in my near future. Especially since he didn't do anything wrong.

Sadly, this isn't the first best friend I've freaked out on since all of this happened. I hope that when I explain things to them, they understand and forgive me for being an idiot.

My family is driving me nuts. All I hear is "Kevin this Kevin that Kevin this Kevin that. When are you guys gonna get married and pop out children and eventually have a white picket fence, 2.3 kids, and a golden retriever named Bruno?!" They don't know anything about what's going on, so they don't know that every time they say things like that, it's like they're stabbing me in the chest. They're making me feel awful.

Ugh. I have like 10 tons of guilt recently. I feel like a truly awful person for putting Kevin through this. This is especially hard because he is the nicest guy ever and I care about him a lot. Why can't he just be an asshole and make this easier on me?!

Okay, I'm getting a headache just thinking about all of this. I feel so up and down about everything. I'm both very happy and very upset. I'm very happy for myself and very upset for everyone around me. I feel particularly bad for Kevin.

I'm taking a nap.

My 15 Favorite Followers

In lieu of Follow Friday, I decided to do something for my 15 favorite followers. I'll go in the order that they're listed on my followers list:

@TheAlexKlein: What a great guy! He can be very political now and then, and he typically has the same views as me. He likes to knit, which is cute. I think I met him through my friend Alex. Sometimes he throws me a tweet and it makes me happy. Overall, a very nice guy that I suggest following. Especially if you're in college.

@Vintagecoats: I love him to death. I met him at my college. The first time we hung out was at an Obama rally in Philadelphia. I've really never met anyone as smoothly funny as Matt, both online and in person. Definitely DEFINITELY follow him. He should be Twitter famous.

@Dontbellthecat: First I'd like to say do NOT follow him if you are easily offended lol. But yeah, Robert's been my friend for a good nine years or so. I love him to death.. but just a fair warning: he says exactly whats on his mind all of the time. So if you love people who don't beat around the bush and just let it all hang out, Robert is the person for you.

@Whofilets: Claudia is someone who is just as Sephora obsessed as me. She went to my college and we hung out last summer for the first time since freshman year. She recently moved to Cambodia. And then went to Thailand for giggles. And then back to Cambodia. She's over there working for her dad. Definitely an awesome person to follow! Another one of those no-nonsense tell-you-like-it-is kind of people. But not as intense as Robert.

@Adamwilcox: No idea how I came across Mr. Adam, but he is truly a great person. We had a Skype encounter once and I think I scared him away. Which was funny. Anyway, he's from England and enjoys making fun of my country. He's a very intelligent guy who brings up politics now and then. Oh and he works for television in some way or another that I can't remember.

@Shaun_obanion: What a genuinely nice person! I found him because he's a producer and I wanted information on screenwriting. He's a really caring person who goes out of his way to help others, which is hard to find. Every time I'm being dramatic, he drops me an e-mail to knock some sense into me, which I greatly appreciate. Definitely follow him and check out his movies!!

@G0shdarnit: I knew her for about ten years or so. We started out as penpals when we were 12 and 13. When I moved to the Philadelphia area, we started to hang out together. She is deeply in love with Matt Skiba, who is going to marry her in a few years. And she also likes her boyfriend lol. She loves music as much as I do and sometimes we go to shitty bars in the ghetto of Philly to see some bands. She's a great person!!

@MarlonLaPerla: Love him to death! I met him because he's a crazy insane Gaga fan, which I always love in a person. He is also one of those say-it-like-it-is people. Definitely more filtered than Robert though. He lives in California and he met Gaga (lucky guy). Follow him if you like Gaga or Lil Kim or pot lol.

@Cdwomanizer: I met him because he loves Ms. Britney Spears. He lives in Venezuela and sometimes he has some trouble with English, but I think he's doing great! He's a very nice person who stayed in touch with me even after I deleted my old Twitter. If you want a loyal follower, he's the person!

@Loudheadphones: Alex is my crazy friend from college. I mean "crazy" in a nice way, of course. I went to the mall with him a few days ago and he basically knew every other person. He's definitely a social butterfly. He drinks a lot, works in retail, has a degree in psychology, and is basically my unpaid counselor lol. Follow him! He's awesome!

@Luthienmisery29: Another friend from college. This is Amanda. She doesn't tweet too much anymore, but when she does it's usually about sports, domestication, or working. She has her B.A. in fine arts with a concentration in photography. Oh, and she likes to read. Overall, a fascinating person.

@Legsandboots: I just started following him recently. I think I was searching for random words on Twitter to try to find people who had things in common with me, and I happened to come across him. Since I've met him I found out that he lives not too far from me. Thus far we've talked a few times and he's a very nice person! Follow him!

@Blankethouse: He's an actor from all over the place (I think he lives down south right now). He always listens to me whine lol. He's also mildly amused by my gigantic lesbian crushes. For example, Miss Ashley Greene. Oh, and he also writes screenplays, which I think is pretty cool.

@Avant_Noire A new follower of mine. Asif was on Facebook asking if anyone had a Twitter. I said yes.. and so did she. So I added her as well. We've conversed a few times and she seems like a great person. Her tweets always make me laugh. What a funny person! Love it!

@Asif_Abdul_Aziz I was in a bar in Philadelphia. (Kung Fu Necktie to be exact). I was drunkenly wandering around with @g0shdarnit and .. I don't remember how, or even what was said, but I definitely met Asif there lol. He came up from Texas to see a band that I was there to see as well. I love reading his tweets and the stuff he randomly says to me! Great person that you should definitely follow, especially because he's new to Twitter.

Okay so I'm done. That was fun.

Oooooh Green Beans *moans*

I was a vegetarian for a good 6 months simply because meat absolutely disturbed me. I couldn't even attempt to eat it without gagging. It was just too.. animally. I felt so gross when I ate it. It felt like I was Bear Grylls or something, sticking my head into a dead zebra on the side of the road.

As a result, I ate a lot healthier and I lost 30 pounds. I never felt so healthy in my entire life. My body was seriously amazing. I also refused to eat anything that had more than 7g of sugar in one serving (unless it was a fruit of some sort). And I was completely weaned off of caffeine and I basically never drank milk.

Flash forward a year or so later:

I eat a little bit of meat about twice a week. I'm addicted to caffeine. I drink too much milk (at least it's non-fat). I consume way too much sugar and sodium, not to mention carbohydrates. And I feel like death. No lie. Oh, and I gained weight and lost muscle.

Until a week ago. I lost about 6 or 7 pounds because I was very sick and unable to eat. Since I've been getting better, I've been eating healthier and I'm feeling amazing. That, and I'm just not feelin' the meat anymore. I went to a buffet the other day and the only meat I had was a tiny little bit hidden away in some practically-chickenless chicken alfredo.

So, that's it. I'm starting today. A (mainly) no-meat diet. I'm also going to significantly cut down on the milk products, and since milk has been making me kind of nauseous recently, this won't be hard. There will be more nuts, more fruit, more whole grains, more vegetables (YES!!), more protein shakes, and a daily vitamin to make sure I'm not missing anything. Also, much less sugar and caffeine. Maybe one caffeine beverage a day and nothing with more than 7g of sugar per serving. Working at a coffee house, this is nearly impossible, but I'm up for the challenge.

I say mainly no meat because I'm not going to lie, even back when I was a "vegetarian" I'd randomly get a craving for a little slice of white meat about once a month or so.. but it had to be super cooked and dry so it was as un-animally as possible. Also, it's hard to go out to eat and NOT get meat. It's the main part of all of the entrées! (Yay for flexitarianism.)

Anyway, I want to feel amazing like that again. I want to have a healthy body and tons of energy again. I really can't wait. Oh, and back then I had an amazing immune system. That would be nice too.

Wish me luck. It shouldn't be too hard. The only problem will be the coffee house. I'll be tempted with tons of super yummy drinks. Avoiding meat won't be hard at all. Except when I go out to eat. And as I said, milk has been making me sick.

I'm thinking about all of the green beans in my near future. Mmmm.

I don't know. Not feeling too hot. I haven't been eating much at all. I have no appetite. I've been living off of lattes and coffee. Today I had three lattes, three coffees, and a bagel. I'm losing weight. A lot of weight. Which I guess isn't a good thing.

I can't wait until things change. This is not who I am. It took me some time to figure out who I am, but now I know and unfortunately someone is going to get hurt.

I hate this. I don't want someone to get hurt because of my own stupid learning experience. It's not fair. I love him to death, with all of my heart. He's my best friend in the whole entire world. I don't want to rip out the heart of someone who means the world to me.

But I want him to be happy. I want him to have what he deserves. I want him to have the happiest most enjoyable most fulfilling most perfect life he can have. And I'm the only one who'd be losing out. I could have it all. It's right in the palm of my hand right now.

But for some reason, I'm willing to risk it all for something a little less perfect, but a little more.. fitting. Something a little bit more fair to me AND him. Something so incredibly uncertain but so incredibly enticing.

I really don't know what lies ahead, but I do know that I love him to death and that any decision that we make doesn't mean that we don't love each other. He really has my heart. I swear. Every bit of it.

Oh man

My students are angels for me. True angels. Well, I think they must be afraid of me or something. Because I was out for one day and oh my god, hm. Let me explain what just ONE of my classes put her through.

Okay so one student was on the floor refusing to work or sit in his chair, screaming "I want juice, get me juice bitch" and throwing books at other students.

Three students in particular kept calling her a bitch and telling her "no" every time she told them to be quiet.

Another group of students refused to sit down and kind of huddled in the back throwing paper at each other.

Most of the students did not do the assignment.

Oh, and two students broke into a gigantic fight that ended in one of the students running and screaming down the hallway with blood pouring down his face.

Honestly, I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. I love these kids to death and while they're angels for me, I can totally picture this because I know their personalities well enough.

Needless to say, the day after the substitute they were all well behaved, all sitting quietly and eager to work. You would think I've beaten them in the past or something...

Another teacher said, "Nicole, this is a compliment for you. You somehow managed to tame them."

I spoke too soon, didn't I?