Miss Irene

So first there was hail. Then there was an earthquake. And now we had a fucking hurricane? What the heck is going on?

Anyway, last night was SO much fun. I hung out with Kevin, Shannon, Keith (and somewhat Alex) in the house all night. We had to put everything that was outside away to prepare for the hurricane. Then all night we hung paintings, made dinner, watched the news together. We also went on a grocery store run (more like a grocery store float with the roads being flooded) and got tons of candy and snacks to share.

It flooded bad. We walked down the street and the water was up to my knees. We were playing in it and then BAM! I felt ass-first into the water. I was soaking wet. Cars were getting stuck in it. And there were crazy sirens all over the place and emergency vehicles towing boats. Philadelphia was fucking drenched, let me tell you.

What a fun night. I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.

Irish Pubs and Stranded Friends

I hosted a random happy hour in Manayunk. Invited a lot of people and a lot of people showed up. Everyone was late though. One girl's car broke down, someone had emergency hurricane rescue training, and some people just drove around for 30 minutes unable to find parking.

It was fucking awesome. I've been friends with a band for about.. 3 years now? and they all came to chill with me. We all had so much fun and we all got wasted for only $12.

Keely and Keith were being so fucking dramatic so I hardly hung out with them. I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to have fun and I wasn't going to let anyone ruin my night. As I told Keith the next day, "Why the fuck would I want to spend time with people who were ruining my night when I could spend time with people who were making it fucking awesome?"

We moved along Main Street from bar to bar to ice cream shop to pizza place. And at one point, it was me and the band sitting outside of a bar completely wasted and just throwing out random sentences. We were also talking to strangers that were passing. I was checking out booties with Jeremiah. Jeremiah was asking random strangers to rub Buddy's head, and since it's Manayunk, of course they did it. Everyone is fucking wasted in Manayunk at 2am.

Keith was with me up until then because I drove him to Manayunk and then he randomly got up and disappeared for two hours. I didn't really care. It was his decision.

Then I got my car and moved it closer to where we were. (By this time I was completely sober because I was eating a lot and only drinking water, no worries. I would never ever get into a vehicle while intoxicated. I did that twice in my life and I hated myself forever. I will never allow that to happen ever again. It is the worst feeling ever.)

So I parked and WTF?! There is Keith on the sidewalk staring into space, completed wasted. He continued with me down the street and then after saying goodbye to the band, I told Keith it was time to leave. He was being a douchebag so I left him.

.. Yes, I left him. In Manayunk. While intoxicated.

Yeah it sounded like a good idea at the time. And then as I was driving home, my phone died so I didn't get any of his texts. The next morning I found out that he had to wait for his ex-girlfriend to pick him up.

By mid-afternoon, all was good in the hood. He pulled into the driveway to chill with Kevin. I opened my window, stuck my head out, yelled "What's good?"

"Nothing. What's good with you?"

"Nothing. I'm sorry. My phone died. If I saw your texts I would have turned around."

So after having a 10 minute talk from my second floor window with Keith, we realized that it was all a big misunderstanding and that if anything, it was slightly amusing. Then we went to DQ together to get Blizzards in preparation for the hurricane.

Actually only Keith got one and then he didn't finish it and let me have the rest.

That's what friends are for.

The mountains

There's this recurring dream that I've had since college began. It takes place in a place with rolling green mountains and .. just, a feeling I can't put words to. It makes me feel at peace when I wake up in the morning.

In this place in the mountains, there's a very confusing route you have to take to get there and I'm the only one who can ever really find it, so I bring my friends.

I brought my friends Nikki and Keith and we tasted different kinds of chocolate together in a beautiful mansion in a valley between the beautiful flowing mountains.

Even when something bad happens in the dream, it still feels great. So bizarre.

Bitches Be Crazy

Okay. What just happened?!

I have these four friends that are in a band. I went to Fishtown to watch them perform. I jumped around like a little maniac with them. It was fun. They jumped off stage and partied with me. I made some new friends, including some guy named Ricky who I'm pretty sure was really high.  But I also had two other friends with me.

2am comes along. I'm completely sober. I'm ready to go. I go outside by myself because my two friends are really drunk and not ready to go. I start walking down the street alone, hoping it will convince them to leave.

It didn't convince them.  I walked back and apparently I missed a lot in the 5 minutes I was gone.

One of my friends was hugging some gross dirty homeless looking bearded man.

So I asked a spectator what happened while I was gone.

"Oh. He was passed out on the sidewalk. She asked if he was alright and out of nowhere he got up and they started talking about zombies."

I am not a babysitter. So I asked my friend twice: "Are you coming?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Okay bye!"

We left. And now it's 9am and she's in the hospital because she got on a motorcycle with the bearded man and a car hit them. She broke her leg. Is it really sad that I have absolutely no pity for her?

***UPDATE: So I got the full story. She hopped on the bearded man's motorcycle. He was gonna drive her to her car. A taxi hit them and then took off. Some weird people picked my friend up off of the ground and her and the bearded man walked to her car. They drove to the ER. She was so out of it that she didn't realize that she hurt her leg. They gave her a wheelchair so she sat the bearded man down in it and started pushing him.. meanwhile the wheelchair was meant for her.

As it turns out, her leg was swollen twice it's normal size and blue. They returned to the place of the accident the next day and some homeless lady said that some cocaine addict she sees at a clinic stole the bike.

I swear, I'm a magnet for these kind of people.

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me

In retrospect, Monday was just one gigantic bad idea. Keely came over with a case of beer and Keith came over with his hookah.

Next thing I know, I got barbeque sauce on my white shirt, it's pouring down rain, and I decided to remove my shirt and dance in the rain in my bra.

Not gonna lie, it was fun. My roommates were amused.

Kevin came home and I was jumping around on the driveway. Him and Shannon got out of the car and he laughs and goes, "Keely, the circus called, they want their crazy back." It made me giggle.

He goes, "Why did you take off your shirt?" "There was a barbeque stain on it." "Oh, that's logical.

I proceeded to dance around on the back porch and Keely looks at me and says, "Nicole, you ARE a free spirit."

I've been called that a lot in my life. I actually find that to be a compliment.

Anyway, last night was more relaxing. Went to the frog pond to listen to the froggies under the night sky and swooned over Jo Calderone in You and I.

Wallet stealing baby dyke bitch

Keely got an apartment in Manayunk. Which is both a horrible and great idea for her at the same time. It’s horrible because she’s an alcoholic, and it’s great because she’s an alcoholic.

Keith and I went with her when she signed her lease. It was fucking like, mid-afternoon and there was a gigantic party down the street with strangers yelling “hi” at me. I mean, my roommate is a bartender in this area, but I don’t go here much outside of that. It’s not my kind of place. Lots of drunken idiots, lots of car accidents in the tight roads, and .. that’s really it. Drunken idiots and car accidents.

After a long talk with my sister, I made a decision. I told her that I, at one point, was drinking enough to black out about 4 or 5 times a week. And that I’ve slowed down to like.. 1 or 2 times a week? And she insisted that I try cutting out alcohol for a bit. Especially since it was affecting my job. I mean, the morning before I had the talk with her I was so hungover that I needed to drive to work with sunglasses on and one eye closed because the sky was too bright. And I was thirty minutes late.

So the day after I decide on sobriety, I go to one of the biggest party towns I know with two of the biggest drinkers I know. Great.

But you’d be proud. I didn’t drink. Well, except for a few sips of a few new beers. But that was it. So I went a whole day sober.

And then last night I went out drinking with the boys and got so incredibly drunk that I smacked my head on the bar and got a bump on my forehead.

I mean.. you win some, you lose some.

I don't regret it. It was amusing. My roommate nearly got into a fight at the bar and the guy was giving him a dirty look and my roommate says to us, loudly, "I got Kevin who knows two forms of karate, Sean who knows one, Keith who's a B.A., and Nicole who might lick him to death."

After that, the man bought him a drink. What a silly night.

Oh, and my title is "wallet stealing baby dyke bitch" because Keith called me that in his hangover voice this morning because he couldn't find his wallet and it made me laugh.

Hot showers

I was desperate. I drove to the Valley to spend time with my parents.  It was going well.  I felt a strange connection with my father.  We went out for lunch, went out shopping.

And then my mother said awful things to me.  And I told her that she wasn't my mother anymore. 

My dad took us out for ice cream.  I stared quietly into space, which has become a horrible past time of mine. I left for home shortly afterwards.  Hugged my dad, told him I loved him.  Gave my mom a cold "bye."

I went home in my recent normal daze.  Got incredibly wasted.  Cried to my friends in a drunken state.

The next morning I said awful things to my mother in return.  Told her I hate her.  Told her she makes me hate myself.  Told her I want to kill myself.  And then ignored her calls all day.  Actually, I slept for 95% of the day.

And then my roommate got mad at me because I wouldn't help him with something.  Psht.  I don't even want to help myself with something.  I pretty much just lay around all day.

I told him I have bigger problems and I didn't want to deal with it.  He's an angry individual though. He snapped. 

I locked myself in the bathroom, hopped into a hot shower, and ignored him as he screamed things like "cunt," "I want you out of this fucking house," and "your life sucks because you made it suck."

At this point it can't get any worse so I just stood in the shower with a strange smile on my face.

As nice as death may seem to me right now, I need to stick around for my father's sake.  He needs me.

Half Full

I'm changing. Most of my posts focus on the bad but little by little I keep making positive changes.

I applied for multiple teaching positions in the city, which will get me closer to where I hope to get my own apartment at some point.

I go to work two hours early every day to get over time and also so I can go to the gym after work every day. Cardio de-stresses me. I'm also eating significantly healthier and I've continued to cut down on my alcohol intake.

I've opened up to the family members that I've been avoiding and made it clear how they make me feel (except for my mother. She's still quite tricky).

I've taken charge with my friendships. I'm staying out of bad situations but also making sure that my friends know I love them and it's nothing personal. I really DO love my friends with all of my heart and they support my changes.

I realized I need to do more positive things with my time. So I signed up to volunteer with the 2012 presidential campaign. My calendar is now filled with voter registrations, phone banks, canvassing, and meetings. I also registered to volunteer with the HRC.

I am quite excited. I feel hopeful when I think of all of my positive changes. I just want to feel loved and like my life has some sort of purpose. That's all.

The next morning feeling loved

It's Monday. I reactivated my Facebook account and I'm trying really hard to NOT beg for my family's attention through it. I know, I sound incredibly pathetic.

Despite my Eeyore mood, Keith, Keely, Kevin, and Alex have been there for me. Among many others. I've gotten lots of hugs, impromptu visits, and lots of support. But it's one of those things, you know? Where you get the love and care from everyone except from the people who you need it from. I need it from my family.

Okay, so I'm going to attempt to not sound like a depressed person. Let me explain my smile worthy two nights. This is my first attempt at cheerfulness in awhile.

Friday night I met the cutest lesbian couple from Boston ever with Keely. We had a sleepover. We played board games together. Got breakfast together. Arm wrestled in a very lesbian fashion. Sat in the sun and chatted.

Saturday evening Keely and her sister came to my place. We went plant and spray paint shopping. Drank a little bit after a brief Mexican food detour. I gave Keely a legit manicure and pedicure, which was so much fun. Then Keith and Kevin decided to play too.

Kevin and I roasted marshmallows over the fire pit in our backyard. We fed them to Keely and Keith. Which was all sorts of kinky. At least when I was feeding them to Keely. And then we spent some quality hookah time surrounded by lit tiki torches and angry mosquitoes.

Then Alex got home from his multi-day long absence and gave me the biggest hug ever.

I woke up the next morning feeling loved. By everyone except for my family.