end of story.

I always write about things that happen but I never just write about what's floating through my mind.

Today relationship problems are floating through my mind.

Gosh, I have a close friend. I definitely don't want to date her. Not even close. But I like to have her. I like when we cuddle, when we kiss. I like falling asleep on her couch and waking up at 4 in the morning to make it to work in time.

She's a whore because she was disillusioned and had the worst breakup ever. I know this will change with time. And I don't even know why I'm saying this because I really don't want to be with her regardless.

But I don't want to be kissing/cuddling a girl who's kissing/cuddling a lot of other girls, just on principle. It'd be different if it was one other girl or something, which it was at first, but it's not. And I'm not going to lie, we used to be friends with benefits other than kissing/cuddling. But I just can't have sex with a girl who is out having sex with a million other girls because A.) I care about my health and B.) Principle again.

And then when I think about this, it makes me wonder if I do want a relationship with someone (not her). But then I get overwhelmed because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a girl like her. I mean, she is the exactly what I'd want minus all of the girl-ish drama and being forced to watch stupid TV series and her being late to everything because she was "getting ready."

Life can be complicated. I love life but I love to hide from the complications. Which is why I'm out on my back porch right now trying to avoid the real world.

Another issue floating through my mind.. boys.

My best friend is a boy and I love him to pieces. I love sticking my finger into his dimples. I love tickling him when he's upset which ends in him smiling. And I like hanging out with him for hours on end.

But I feel like I'm hurting him. Unintentionally. I know myself. I know myself well enough to know that I have absolutely no interest in men right now. I can tell you which guy is a hottie, but I don't want to be with any of those hotties. I'm not sexually attracted to men at all. Maybe 20 years from now Nicole will randomly change, but I have not even the slightest interest in even touching a man right now (other than sticking my finger in his dimple and tickling him when he's down).

Actually I know I'm hurting him. Because while I think it's fun to stick my finger in his dimple and tickle him when he's down, I know he wishes I was straight. Or at least bisexual. And he's lost. And he's told me when he was drunk that I fill a void for him.

And I just want him to find a girlfriend SO BAD. A girlfriend that is cool with him hanging out with his lesbian best friend. Because I don't want to fill his void because I know that it's damaging him. I want someone else to fill his void and I want to be on the sidelines checking out girls on the sidewalk with him.

I guess what I'm saying here is..

That in a perfect world, Keely wouldn't be a whore and Keith wouldn't be single. Keely would be mine and Keith would have a girlfriend who's cool with lesbians.

*sigh* End of story. Fuck.