The Good Daughter

I think about death a lot. I really do. And I always tell people I'm not afraid of death. I mean, I'm not. I could die tomorrow and be content with knowing that today. What exactly do I have to live for anyway?

Nothing.

But on the same token, I am absolutely horrified of death. I am afraid, behind words, of losing the people that I care deeply about. With most of my friends, I'd get by. But for some of my friends, like Kevin.. not so much. I'm afraid of Kevin dying. I've always had this horrible gut feeling in my heart that he will die young. I had the same feeling for his brother and his brother was killed young. If Kevin were to die, I'd be heartbroken. I'm also afraid of my grandmother dying... she will never know the extent to which I love her and appreciate her.

And most importantly, I am incredibly scared to death of losing my parents.

It, as with anyone, can happen at any time. But my mother had a horrible head injury and I see changes in her every time I see her. And my dad... I fear he'll have a heart attack with his high blood pressure and everything.

There's a very specific reason as to why I'm afraid of them dying.

I am not a good daughter.

I struggle with this often... finding a balance between showing them my disapproval and being a good daughter. I tell my coworkers how much I hate my mother. I've made it a habit to erase my dad's messages without listening to them because he just screams at me in all of them. I don't visit them because they hate who I am and I hate who they are.

But through all of this hatred... there is unconditional love. They may hate who I am and vice versa... but when it comes down to it, no one in this world loves me as much as my parents love me. They may bitch and whine and complain and yell and ignore me... but when it comes down to it, they have my back when I need it and they make incredibly large sacrifices for me to this day.

I'm thoroughly convinced, sometimes, that I'm really all they have in life anymore.

That hurts me. So much. It's like someone's rubbing salt in a deep wound. My heart feels like it's falling when I think of it.

I'm in the process of tweaking some things. Changing around how I handle things so that if something were to happen to my parents, I wouldn't have regrets. Right now, I'd have regrets.

So, if I luck out and die first (because there's no reason for me to be here anyway) then GREAT. But, in the event that my parents are taken away from me, I need to live a life right now that won't have regrets later.

I don't need to like my parents. I don't need to accept them and vice versa... But I need to be a good daughter. Because they don't like me but they are good parents. THEY wouldn't have regrets.

I need to call my parents even though it's painful. I need to visit them now and then even though it depresses me. I need to buy them gifts on holidays so that they know that they're in my heart. I need to tell them I love and appreciate them even though they make me want to jump off of a cliff most of the time.

I need to live my life the way that I want to live it, without any exceptions. I'm not living my life to make my parents happy. But I still need to be a good daughter. They do so much to be good parents.