Wasting my energy

I don't think life will ever make sense.  Whenever I tell someone who is older than me that I'm lost and confused, they tell me that they're lost and confused too and that it's a lifetime struggle.  That being said, to an extent I'll have to get used to this feeling.

I should be proud of myself.  I'm 24 years old and I reside in a cute little apartment by myself in suburban Philly.  I have a bachelor's degree.  My resume looks amazing for my age, given the economy.  I'm a writer and I've been offered a paid writing job, which is something a writer can always cherish.  I have a pretty active social life at the moment.  I spend most of my weekends in center city or Manayunk, drinking and dancing with some of the most interesting people this city has to offer.

I also have quite the personality myself.  Within two days of working at the law firm, my coworker turned to me and said, "What the hell are you doing here?  You are too interesting for this job.  I feel like you're going to be famous one day."

I laughed.  Not just because it's bizarre to hear someone say that.  But also because that's definitely not the first (or second or third) time someone has said that to me.

I should be very happy.  And you know what, I guess I am happy.  I'm very happy.  I take charge of my life, head straight for the things that I want, and always obtain what I was seeking.  I think I'm rather ambitious and I think there's a lot of dignity in that.  However, I am happy but there is still a big problem in my life.

I am not okay with my sexual orientation.  Not one bit.  I don't want to be gay but I was meant to be gay.  I try to force myself out of it, but it is something that can't be "forced out."  It is something that I can't change and that is absolutely devastating to me.  I always obtain what I'm seeking, but heterosexuality is something that I'll never be able to obtain.

I just want to be myself and I want people to love me for who I am, and some people do, but a lot of people do not.  And I'm, sadly, one of those people who does not love who I am.  I was with a guy for five long years and I made it work, but I went absolutely insane by year four and had to end it.

And here I am, being a fool.  Talking to a guy.  Trying to make it work because I want so bad to be (dare I say it?) normal.  I just want to be a normal straight girl with a boyfriend.  But I'm not straight.  I hardly like men at all.  I can look at them and say "Oh that's hot" and I can even make out with them and have sex with them, but I can't really be with one.  I can't break another boy like I broke Kevin.  I know who I am.

So, this guy knows about my sexuality and my inability to accept myself and he wants me to just be who I truly am, but here I am trying to force it to work.  I mean, he's adorable, he's intelligent, we have a bunch in common... theoretically it would work.  But in reality, he's a boy and I shouldn't force it to work.  Because four years from now, I'd go absolutely insane and add another boy to the list of boys who I hurt.

I've hurt too many people.  I am being selfish and stupid.

My friend Alex from up North (who is gay) asked me why I wish I was straight.  I told him that it's easier.  And it is.  I've never had problems getting attention from guys.  Finding a boyfriend for me is a piece of cake.  Alex agreed that the gay community is more difficult. This is what he said and I was like BINGO:

"Everyone of the opposite sex is seeking you and in the gay world its 50/50. 50% you seeking them, 50% them seeking you.  In the straight world guys will ALWAYS seek you."

And in addition to the whole ease factor, I have to hide who I am to an extent.  I explained to "kiss in the rain boy" that whenever my parents are planning on coming to my apartment, I hide everything that remotely links me to the gay community.  I remember once (it'll sound silly) crying as I tore things off of my refrigerator because I was expecting my parents in the morning, thinking to myself "I just want to be myself and I want them to accept me for who I am."

But what it comes down to is that even I don't accept who I am.  This is a big problem.

I fucking hate who I am. And it's the biggest waste of energy because I can't change it.  I. like. women.  That's that.  It's the way that I'm wired.  I can't change my wiring.  But I also can't change the fact that I don't accept the way that I'm wired.

Acceptance is by far one of the most difficult things in the whole entire world.  It comes with time and that's all that there is to it.  You can tell me a million times that I should accept who I am, but that won't do a thing. That's not at all how acceptance works.  It's so fucking tricky.  My mom can't just "accept" the fact that I'm gay.  It's not easy.  And I guess I can finally relate to her.  It's fucking hard.  When you don't accept something, you just don't accept it.

I don't know.  I'm babbling.  I should be happy with myself given all of my accomplishments.  This is ridiculous.  What a silly thing to be so upset over.