Sunny days

I don't even know where to begin.  This is going to be horribly written; I can sense it.  I mean, I just used a fucking semi-colon.  A lot has changed and I'm happy with all of the changes.  I am going to ramble like there is no tomorrow.

Keith has officially stepped down from friend status and Kyle is my new best friend.  And Keely loves him so much.  The first time all three of us hung out together, we crashed a party and had our half-eaten food taken away from us by the bar staff.  We walked the streets topless.  I danced in my underwear in a thunderstorm while being sprayed down with a garden hose.  Keely and Kyle kissed in the rain.  We had a three-way bed snuggle.  And Keely got so drunk that she puked in her tub and completely forgot everything that happened.  Mind you, Keely's dad was visiting during all of this and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm insane now.

We offered him shots.

Keely and I have a strong friendship again.  I went to her house the other day to have "girly cocktails" which actually turned into beer, grilling, and a trip to a hardware store. Not shocked at all.  I heart that crazy queer girl to pieces.

Speaking of that crazy queer girl, she made an impromptu visit to my apartment the other day and forced me to look at pictures of erections for a good hour.  I was like "this is not happening right now."  And then we watched drag queens for a good twenty minutes, which I was totally okay with.  AND THEN I showed her some hot naked girls and she left.

What a terrible lesbian.  But apparently that's the thing now.  I hung out with my ex girlfriend who is a gold star lesbian and we discussed penises for about an hour.

My social life has been really looking up.  I have so many wonderful friends in my life and I love them all with every piece of my heart.  This weekend I was going to go visit a good friend in DC but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to cancel.  I'm so bummed.

My work life is wonderful.  I'm busting out lawsuits left and right and I'm really showing them that I'm a great worker.  I hope that they have noticed it.  I've also been considering a part time job, but more importantly, I've been considering bartending school.  I think I would be a great bartender and it'd be a great way to pay off my student loans faster.

And I'm considering moving into Philly at the end of this year, to a place with tons and tons of bars.  I think it would be a good decision.

Writing has been on the back burner and I'm okay with that.  It comes, it goes.. and I let it.  It's my favorite thing in the world and I'm not going to make it become work.  I'm always inspired, I'll say that.  I can easily write a poem or a short story right this second.  But I don't want to right this second.

I plan on going on a solo trip to the beach in the next few weeks to soak up some sun and write my little heart out.  I'm looking forward to it.  <--  See that?  That's how I look at writing.  I do it when I like it, not when I'm forcing myself to like it.  I'm 24 and I've had various pieces published.  It'll keep happening and honestly I'm not in a rush.

What else?

Well, I'm on a family strike.  My mom still hates me, I still somewhat despise her.  My dad is okay and I feel bad because he suffers due to my mother hatred.  My great nephew's birthday party is next weekend or whatever and I'm not going because I don't know...

I just feel like my family doesn't ever reach out to me.  And then they want me to go out of my way to spend time with them.  What is the point, really?  I'm starting to really accept that my family and I just don't click at all.  Not everyone has the amazing family that every American TV show glorifies.  I don't have that family.

I have a dad who loves me with all of his heart.  I have a grandmother who loves me with all of her heart.  And I have a mother who had a very serious head injury who will never love me for who I am, but loves me because I'm her daughter and that's about it.

And that's really all that I can say.

Well, one last thing: I love my sister Marie because she reaches out to me.  But that's it.  That's really all that I can say.

That's why making tight bonds with friends is so important to me.  When it comes down to it, I really have nothing else.  I don't think I've ever been close to my family, except for when I was faking it.  I faked it for a good five years.  I'm done faking it.  I just want to be myself.  Yeah, I'm sure I'll have great family moments in my future but I really don't plan on going out of my way at all.  Nor do I plan on faking it.

I just want to be myself.  I want to accept myself and love myself.  And I feel like surrounding myself with people who don't accept me and love me for who I am is only going to make this harder for me. My niece especially (my great nephew's mother who is throwing the party) always kind of made me hate myself.

I don't want to hate myself.