nighttime freewrite

I’m starting to see the colors change.  Lots of navy blues, maroons, ambers. The sounds are changing.  Loud air whipping around, more sirens than usual.  Boredom gets to people, I think, during this time of the year.  I enjoyed my night tonight… called my mother, my father.  Spoke to some good friends about my recent health issues.  Nearly had a panic attack at the doctor when they asked me questions that I didn’t want to answer. As I sat there with my swollen ankle dangling under the bright white light, his smile pierced me and made me feel weak.  Health wise I’m a mess.  I treat my body with love and respect but it responds like I’m an 80 year old woman, it seems.  I’m sick of medicines, doctor visits, surgeries, blood, bruises, pain, limping, and the overall fatigue that seems to have taken over me.  Even when I have the energy to hang out with my eager friends, I don’t because I know that the energy will pass soon. Sometimes I wish I would just die already because I’m done.  I’m just fed up.  My body can only take so much and I’m only 24.  The thought of what my health will be like 20 years from now is just horrifying.  I don’t want to live that long.  Fuck, I don’t think I even want to make it beyond 30 anymore.  I am so good to myself but you really just can’t fight your genes.  Well, you technically can.  But I don’t want to.  I’m just done.