all of this pain

I woke up to the sound of someone blasting one of those stupid wedding line dance songs in the alley behind my house.  Then two men passed by and were shuffling something around in the same alley.  I thought to myself, "I went to bed at like, 8pm.  It's time to get up."  It was 5-something.

Now I'm sitting in my bed and in front of me I have seven candles lit.  Three of which are creating a beautiful scent of spiced cider in my room.  My window is open and I hear chirping floating through the window.  I'm sitting on my bed with a green face mask on and I feel extremely comfortable.

I feel like this is the calm AFTER the storm.  Last night I cried and cried.  Cried like there was no tomorrow.  And I remember I just couldn't gain control of my thoughts so I started yelling.  About how I want to die, want to die, want to die, or please make me happy, I don't want to die, please don't kill me.  None of it made sense.  I was being a crazy woman, tears flowing down my face nonstop.  I could feel my wrinkles drying up on my face.  My eyes were red and poofy.

So as I drove around listening to "Good Enough" on repeat,

Everything that you have
isn't good enough, for you.
Where you've been,
where you stand,
isn't good enough, for you.
Look out of your window,
look up at the sky,
and leave all of your sorrows,
behind.

I stopped my car twice to write bad poetry.  And when the sun was gone for good I parked my car on Germantown Avenue and ate a slice of pizza by myself.

And I cried some more.  I couldn't stop last night.  It took over my whole body, my whole mind, my whole atmosphere.  I just wanted to die.  I even said, please just take me.  Take me.

I don't want to die, but I sure as hell don't want to live with ALL OF THIS PAIN.