Follow up visit

What is it about me?  What is it that makes me, with my scrawny little arms, grab deep into the ground, pull up the earth, and turn it upside down for just one person that makes my heart crawl into itself, running out of room in my chest cavity, squeezing tightly into my soul?

I don't understand why I am this way, and I feel like I shouldn't be sorry for it.

I shouldn't be sorry that I am capable of loving so hard that I can knock over walls and buildings.  I shouldn't be sorry that I would build a ladder from here to to the moon for someone that I love and care about right down and into my veins, pumping blood to my brain that constantly thinks for them.

Dad always loved unconditionally, fully, and with the utmost adoration and simplicity and I admire that about him.  The older I get, I see myself following a path that is leading me to wherever he happens to be on the line of fate that brings you to the capability to love more than any other human around you.  And dad found people who appreciate that about him.  People who would never hurt him because we care about him so much.

Why can't I find that?  Why is it that my friends who don't love deeply find those who love them and yet I... the person who loves with every cell on my warm body, cannot find someone who does not take advantage of that.  It is unfair.

Has dad found people who love as deeply as he does?  That's a good question.  Maybe I won't ever find someone who will love me to the same capacity that I am capable of loving.  How does dad come to terms with someone like that?  How will I come to terms with a whole life like that?

Will I ever find true love that rises the pale blond hairs on my fragile arms?  I don't know.  I feel like with every step I take, it seems a little less likely.  I found someone to love and he is 5,000 miles away.  It is like a sick fucking joke from the universe.  "Here, continue to be alone in Philly, surrounded by couples and love and everything that you don't have, and here, I will put the one bit of hope you've had in a long time so far out of reach that it will scar your heart even more than it already has been."

As if this year wasn't hard enough.  As if I am not worthy of love.  As if I'm just a cancerous disease that isn't worthy of a strong arm around my selfless body.  I was selfish, naive, and terrible in the past but how much must one make up for their mistakes that they hadn't learned lessons for yet?

I can feel it in my ovaries.  Today it was scary as a volcano erupting on my doorstep.  I'm fearing my follow up visit.  I am not ready to find out that I have one less reason for a person to love me, because it's already too much for me cope with.