Here

I listen closely and although you tell me that the only other sound's the sweep of easy wind and downy flake - I hear much more than that.  I hear the branches cracking under everyone's feet but mine.  I hear the lake pouring over into my childhood basement.  Nothing feels right.

I have lived through several hurricanes, roof shingles and aluminum siding panels flying madly past my clinking windows.  I have moved my vehicle to another street just to find the car directly next to it with a cracked window, as if location hardly means a thing.

I feel so lost in this gigantic world and truthfully I wish it would just all end.  I have been hoping this for a while now.  I watch as the gray clouds suffocate my lonely apartment, condensation bubbles on my windows blocking the view of whatever's outside.  I don't even know what's out there anymore because I don't go outside.  I create a warm den with my red blanket and sweat in my overheated bedroom.  I cry a lot.  My warm tears might be what causes the condensation on the windows.

I can't see any reason at all for me to be here.  I no longer see a reason in my parents' watering eyes.  I don't have a grandmother to cling to anymore, a family that needs me in any shape or form.  They all made it without me and here I sit in front of my empty refrigerator not eating, not drinking, but rather, hoping I accidentally starve myself to death from food apathy.  I don't feel the need to sustain my earthly existence.  I want to blow away like my grandmother's ashes, tears no longer bubbling up on my dusty windows.  I want my skin to be accepted by the beautiful earth, trees growing into the summer sunlight, children swinging on my strongest branches.

There hasn't been a reason for me to be here in years, it seems.  I'm just waiting around for my death, eyes either too wet or too dry - dry from never blinking.  Sometimes I stare into space for hours, eyes melting into the planets, stars, galaxies.  I wish for another earth out there.  I wish that gravity would turn off and the laws of the universe would change so I could float to another earth.  With this, I'd have hope that under a new atmosphere with new rules of time and space, that I would find my purpose.  That I would find a reason to continue my existence.

These days have been so grim that I can't pretend anymore.  Mom, dad, everyone, I cannot lie anymore.  I know it hurts when I express my desire to move to another dimension, but it is the most freeing thing that my heart feels these days.  That is the only thing that gives me hope.

The hope that I won't have to fucking be HERE anymore.