Writing Assignment 1

Topic:  You'd just die if anyone ever saw this diary entry

I am a jealous woman.  I am a woman with curves from here to the end of the Appalachian trail, eyes as wide as Lake Nockmaxon and a smile as bright as the summer clouds pierced by the top of a steeple.  I am nothing to be ashamed of.  Thighs so thick that the thunder clapping in the background makes him roll his eyes back into his head with exhaustion, mouth gaping wide as his legs open wider.  My hands are as fragile as my grandmother's as I type and look this way and that, as sensitive as a bird flying away as soon as a tree branch drops.  Why am I this way?

You don't look at me the way you used to, talk to me the way you used to.  You blankly stare into the summertime blue abyss biding time as the petals from this month's blooms float past your distracted eyes.

I do feel like I'm nothing to you.

Here

I listen closely and although you tell me that the only other sound's the sweep of easy wind and downy flake - I hear much more than that.  I hear the branches cracking under everyone's feet but mine.  I hear the lake pouring over into my childhood basement.  Nothing feels right.

I have lived through several hurricanes, roof shingles and aluminum siding panels flying madly past my clinking windows.  I have moved my vehicle to another street just to find the car directly next to it with a cracked window, as if location hardly means a thing.

I feel so lost in this gigantic world and truthfully I wish it would just all end.  I have been hoping this for a while now.  I watch as the gray clouds suffocate my lonely apartment, condensation bubbles on my windows blocking the view of whatever's outside.  I don't even know what's out there anymore because I don't go outside.  I create a warm den with my red blanket and sweat in my overheated bedroom.  I cry a lot.  My warm tears might be what causes the condensation on the windows.

I can't see any reason at all for me to be here.  I no longer see a reason in my parents' watering eyes.  I don't have a grandmother to cling to anymore, a family that needs me in any shape or form.  They all made it without me and here I sit in front of my empty refrigerator not eating, not drinking, but rather, hoping I accidentally starve myself to death from food apathy.  I don't feel the need to sustain my earthly existence.  I want to blow away like my grandmother's ashes, tears no longer bubbling up on my dusty windows.  I want my skin to be accepted by the beautiful earth, trees growing into the summer sunlight, children swinging on my strongest branches.

There hasn't been a reason for me to be here in years, it seems.  I'm just waiting around for my death, eyes either too wet or too dry - dry from never blinking.  Sometimes I stare into space for hours, eyes melting into the planets, stars, galaxies.  I wish for another earth out there.  I wish that gravity would turn off and the laws of the universe would change so I could float to another earth.  With this, I'd have hope that under a new atmosphere with new rules of time and space, that I would find my purpose.  That I would find a reason to continue my existence.

These days have been so grim that I can't pretend anymore.  Mom, dad, everyone, I cannot lie anymore.  I know it hurts when I express my desire to move to another dimension, but it is the most freeing thing that my heart feels these days.  That is the only thing that gives me hope.

The hope that I won't have to fucking be HERE anymore.

You

It s 7:14 p.m. and all that I can think about is you.  The gentle waft of your scent exits the fibers of your shirt, flowing up to my nose.  I miss you.

Blizzard

I woke up in this blizzard surrounding my warm, cozy apartment and made a breakfast for one.  I brewed one cup of coffee in my french press, I poured one glass of orange juice.  I exercised, I watched television, I read a novel.  And then you called and the world over here was put on hold.  The snow stopped falling.  My show was on pause.  I left the dishes in the sink.

Your voice calms my quickly beating heart to a nice, even, perfect pace.  I miss your beautiful eyes more than I've ever missed anything.  I miss your gentle touch, the way you wrap your legs around mine under the blanket.  That beautiful smile you left me with, that broke my heart the first time I saw it tore a chunk out of my soul when you left, flying fast into the winter sky.

I don't know how to go on without you, some days.  I wish you were here.  I wish I could pour your favorite tea, massage your aching back, kiss those perfect lips.  I overuse the word perfect when describing you, because that's what you are to me.  Each piece of your body was made for me, it seems.  Every section of your soul, feeding my hungry heart, building a strong, firm smile on my resting face.

I can't wait for you to come here.  But all the best things in life are worth the wait.  Each minute, second, millisecond bringing me one instant closer to your gentle kisses.  There isn't a single thing I would change about you.

I feel like everything has finally come full circle.  Mom always said blood is thicker than water.  I love my family with every bit of the love that roams through my body.  When they smile, I smile.  When they're sad, I want nothing more than to help them lift the sides of their drooping lips.  But I've always loved my friends, thinking of them as an extension of my family- never to be lost or forgotten.  Always to be loved, even when they pissed me off.

And now here I am, alone in my warm apartment looking around wondering what I have done with my 28 years.  It's clear that I've figured it out.  I know now what is important.  Myself, my family, my friends, the man who has stolen my heart from 5,000 miles away.  In these 28 years I've built a career that I'll never lose, a history that will never be taken away from me.  I am building something, is what I'm doing.  I'm alone now, and it sucks.

But at the same time the silence is so peaceful.  I feel as though this is the calm before the storm, and I must enjoy every second.  There's a beautiful blizzard on it's way, and I'm going to enjoy every second of that too, because that is what I've been waiting for.

I'm hoping that one day my patience will pay off.  I'm hoping that one day I'll be surrounded by the people that I love.  I hope that one day this all makes sense.

What I know right now is that I miss you.  I want you to lead me to my beautiful blizzard.

Leaving

This is what it feels like.  Last night I lit a candle and it glowed long and perfect, the wind pushing it this way and that occasionally.  The wind was pouring from us as we held each other in our arms, kiss after kiss, hands held tightly against hearts and smiles beaming through the warm atmosphere.  I sat there with nothing to say because you grabbed my words, you put them inside of yourself, because you know me so well.  I only had to look into your soft blue eyes and you knew.

The summertime is long gone and it's winter now, dead branches falling onto my muddy footprints.  The snow is hiding in the clouds but it's there, I know, waiting for us.  It blows my mind the connection between two people, lips as gentle as drifting snowflakes, kisses as genuine as the mountains to the north, rivers to the east and south.

You shook me, my silent chest going up, going down, cheeks sore from all of that grinning I've been doing. You help me become who I am to the fullest degree.  But in a few short days..

You're leaving.

Intoxication

There is nothing and that is all.  There is the wind, there is the snow.  There is the downward spiral that begins upon your plummeting into earth's pattern.  It's all inevitable, the wrinkles forming on my unsatisfied hands, hollow heart merely beating for the sake of ultimate balance in the universe.  There is nothing.

But I see your gentle smile and I think otherwise momentarily, as I stare deeply into your blinking eyes, wispy lashes pointing to the sky.  I think of the heat radiating off of your rising and falling chest, the feeling I feel when your hand was firmly grasping mine.

For a moment, it feels like there is everything, because your existence is beautifully intoxicating. I'd rather live under a cloak of innocence, believing entirely that everything in this world is going to be alright.

I need you now more than ever; the winter wind ripping at my porcelain skin, rough scarf pricking at my prickling chin.  I don’t know where the time has gone.  It may have evaporated into the snow clouds, snowmen up there built from the memories we made.  Are they important to you?  The paths we walked on, uneven sidewalks from freezing and thawing, shrinking and growing?  I don’t understand the color of the sky anymore, the pink mixed with blue.  Because it’s just not as beautiful anymore without you.

Where have you gone?  Are you coming back to kiss my dry knuckles?  They felt so good under your warm lips, those passionate eyes staring deep into mine.

Missing you

I don't know where the sun has gone.  The daylight savings time parasite ate upon this Philadelphia macadam, digging down deep to the chilly core.  I come home and it's dark and the leaves crunch below my fast moving feet.  I hibernate in my warm apartment under a blanket.

I'm missing you.

Twenty-Seven

There's something about twenty-seven that hurts more delicately than twenty-six or twenty-five.

A month and a few days

There's no better touch than yours; I remember that clearly.  Your perfect lips coming down onto mine, as I looked up into the universe, eyes closing as I felt your skin against mine.  I miss just being there, sitting next to you as you sat next to me.

A month and a few days, and I can kiss your soft lips again.