writer's block

Apart from walking around the house moping all of the time, nothing has happened in my life recently so I have nothing worth writing about.

I'm lost, confused, angry, lonely, hopeless after failed attempts of being hopeful, hungry and I have to pee.

Thanksgiving was not enjoyable at all. I think I would rather lie to you and say it was awesome, but I realize that lying won't make me feel any better.

I didn't see my family at all. I burned a batch of cookies. I messed up the other two batches. I sat in bed all day. I had dinner with a family that I honestly don't have too many positive feelings for. I was with someone that I love to death but.. (I'll let you finish the end of this sentence).

It sucks when you love someone so incredibly much but you can't help the way you're wired. You want to go in there and fix the wires, change things up so it works out. You're mad at yourself because of things you cannot control. But, as my dad once told me,

"Nicole, things are the way that they are."

That's not so easy to swallow when you're hurting the one person that you never ever want to hurt. The one person that you love with all of your heart.

I don't want to talk about it. I do but I don't. It makes me feel like I'm such a horrible person. I'm not a good person at all. I know I'm not. I'm absolutely horrible. There is not one thing about myself that I feel proud about right now. I stripped that all away. There is no reason for me to think that I'm a good person. I don't deserve the love that I get. I don't deserve anything.

Anyway, I'm going to stick my head in the toaster oven and down some Clorox. See you later.