I don't know. Not feeling too hot. I haven't been eating much at all. I have no appetite. I've been living off of lattes and coffee. Today I had three lattes, three coffees, and a bagel. I'm losing weight. A lot of weight. Which I guess isn't a good thing.

I can't wait until things change. This is not who I am. It took me some time to figure out who I am, but now I know and unfortunately someone is going to get hurt.

I hate this. I don't want someone to get hurt because of my own stupid learning experience. It's not fair. I love him to death, with all of my heart. He's my best friend in the whole entire world. I don't want to rip out the heart of someone who means the world to me.

But I want him to be happy. I want him to have what he deserves. I want him to have the happiest most enjoyable most fulfilling most perfect life he can have. And I'm the only one who'd be losing out. I could have it all. It's right in the palm of my hand right now.

But for some reason, I'm willing to risk it all for something a little less perfect, but a little more.. fitting. Something a little bit more fair to me AND him. Something so incredibly uncertain but so incredibly enticing.

I really don't know what lies ahead, but I do know that I love him to death and that any decision that we make doesn't mean that we don't love each other. He really has my heart. I swear. Every bit of it.