My goal over these last few weeks has been to do what is best for me while only minimally hurting the people around me that this affects. I haven't been too great with that goal, but I'm doing my best. And I guess that's really all I can do.
I've been walking on eggshells so my breaking point has been pretty low. A few days ago I told my best friend to fuck off. I told him that he's never there for me when I need him. I think it put him into shock and he kind of backed away. I haven't heard from him since. I guess a serious apology is in my near future. Especially since he didn't do anything wrong.
Sadly, this isn't the first best friend I've freaked out on since all of this happened. I hope that when I explain things to them, they understand and forgive me for being an idiot.
My family is driving me nuts. All I hear is "Kevin this Kevin that Kevin this Kevin that. When are you guys gonna get married and pop out children and eventually have a white picket fence, 2.3 kids, and a golden retriever named Bruno?!" They don't know anything about what's going on, so they don't know that every time they say things like that, it's like they're stabbing me in the chest. They're making me feel awful.
Ugh. I have like 10 tons of guilt recently. I feel like a truly awful person for putting Kevin through this. This is especially hard because he is the nicest guy ever and I care about him a lot. Why can't he just be an asshole and make this easier on me?!
Okay, I'm getting a headache just thinking about all of this. I feel so up and down about everything. I'm both very happy and very upset. I'm very happy for myself and very upset for everyone around me. I feel particularly bad for Kevin.
I'm taking a nap.
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