Hot showers

I was desperate. I drove to the Valley to spend time with my parents.  It was going well.  I felt a strange connection with my father.  We went out for lunch, went out shopping.

And then my mother said awful things to me.  And I told her that she wasn't my mother anymore. 

My dad took us out for ice cream.  I stared quietly into space, which has become a horrible past time of mine. I left for home shortly afterwards.  Hugged my dad, told him I loved him.  Gave my mom a cold "bye."

I went home in my recent normal daze.  Got incredibly wasted.  Cried to my friends in a drunken state.

The next morning I said awful things to my mother in return.  Told her I hate her.  Told her she makes me hate myself.  Told her I want to kill myself.  And then ignored her calls all day.  Actually, I slept for 95% of the day.

And then my roommate got mad at me because I wouldn't help him with something.  Psht.  I don't even want to help myself with something.  I pretty much just lay around all day.

I told him I have bigger problems and I didn't want to deal with it.  He's an angry individual though. He snapped. 

I locked myself in the bathroom, hopped into a hot shower, and ignored him as he screamed things like "cunt," "I want you out of this fucking house," and "your life sucks because you made it suck."

At this point it can't get any worse so I just stood in the shower with a strange smile on my face.

As nice as death may seem to me right now, I need to stick around for my father's sake.  He needs me.