The hallucinogen theory.

I talked to my mom for real for the first time in over a year. The walls came down. We didn't talk about the weather. We talked about us. I was sneaky. I started the conversation off with health insurance.

And then I told her that I need to see a therapist.

She said okay and didn't ask why. And then she tried to change the subject back to health insurance. I wouldn't let her.

I told her that I'm lonely. And that I tremble a lot... which shows that my anxiety is coming back. And that I don't have anyone in my life to talk to. And that Kevin ripped out one-third of my heart on my birthday. And now I only have two-thirds left. And that I wish I had family, because I don't anymore. And that her and dad don't know me at all anymore.

I said to her, "I wish you guys knew more about me. I feel like if you guys were asked to write a paragraph about me, you couldn't."

She said we used to talk a lot when I was in college and I said, "Why did that stop?" She said "I don't know." I know why. I could have answered that for her. But I let it go.

I told her that it's frustrating because I don't have many people in my life to talk to. Just Keith and Keely. And not Kevin because Kevin isn't allowed to talk to me anymore with the baby situation. She responded with "That's so sad."

She asked me if Keith and I were good friends again (because we had a bit of a rough situation a few months ago). I said that things are all right but still a little bit shaky. I told her that it's horrifying because if I lose him, then I only have Keely because quite frankly, I don't have family to fall back on emotionally.

She told me that she's thankful that I have Keely.

Then we talked about my poetry. And then we eased back into health insurance. And then at the end of the conversation she said, I kid you not, "Be happy my love, you deserve it."

I'm thoroughly convinced that I was on some sort of hallucinogen and none of that conversation really happened.

But yeah, she even told me to call if I need someone to talk to. I know you're getting your hopes up for me. But honestly, I'm not sure anything will come of it. My mom has let me down over and over and over again for over a year now. I've learned to not get excited. Because when I get excited, she lets me down and I feel like the world is ending. And I've had that feeling more than enough times in the last past year.

Besides, who knows, maybe the hallucinogen theory is correct.