I'm going to vent. Here goes...
I fucking hate my mother with every piece of my soul right this second. No, really. I don't care. Don't give me any of that fucking "she's your mother" nonsense. Okay *sigh* I'm going to calm down and be rational. Let me put this in perspective for you:
I'm intelligent. I have a degree. I double majored in college. I can teach 7th-12th grade English. I've excelled in every job position that I've ever had. I'm independent. I live on my own. I pay my own bills. I follow each and every one of my dreams and I never ever give up. I keep advancing in life from year to year. I have goals (i.e. paying off my student loans in the next 5 years, settling down with someone, continuing my education). I don't let things like friendships and relationships get in the way of my goals. I don't believe in God but I am a loving, compassionate individual who believes everyone should be given a fair chance in life. Yes I'm a democrat because of certain social issues. I don't believe that politicians should only cater to the rich. Yeah, I'm not straight, but as far as I know that make me any less of a respectable person.
My mom is intelligent but she dropped out of nursing school. She's excelled in a blue collar job. She is extraordinarily dependent upon my father. She has no dreams. She's pretty idle in life. She doesn't make goals. She let men get in the way of bettering herself. She does believe in God but she hates gays and people who speak Spanish and finds it necessary to own a gun. She tells me that homeless people deserve to be homeless because it's their fault that they're homeless. She would rather people die than have a government that provides health care to them.
Okay, and yet I'M the problem. I'm the horrible person. I'm (as she used to tell me about gay people) "disgusting." She's "disappointed" in me. And I totally made the wrong decision by quitting my job where the most I'd make is 35k. It's totally not respectable to be working at a law firm in order to find new ways to advance in life. You know, believing that I might go to law school is absurd. Who does that?!
My mother is not a good person. Really, she's not. You can make excuses for her all you want, but I don't care. It's official: My mother is NOT a good person. And ten years down the line when I'm in a very respectable position in life, I'm NOT going to thank her. Because all she did was drag me down and criticize me and tell me how horrible I am for everything that makes me who I am.
I am proud of myself. I'm proud that I graduated with a four year degree in English and Secondary Education. I'm proud that I took a risk a few days ago and accepted a job offer that provides the potential for growth. I'm proud that I'm chasing my dreams with a pen and a pad, hoping that one day I'll be in literature books across America. I'm proud that I found a way to accept the fact that I'm not straight. I'm proud to be a liberal, because conservatives are on the wrong side of history.
I'm 24 years old and I've surpassed my mother in regards to success, I believe. Where exactly was my mother when she was 24 years old? I am proud of myself and I am not going to let her toxic reactions get in the way of my pride. I need to stop talking to her. I know that sounds harsh but I really do. I keep trying to build a relationship with her but honestly, I don't really want a relationship with someone who is so...
horrible.
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