not giving up.

I was just about to get a shower when I happened across a link that led to a Gaga interview.  I watched the whole thing (it can be found here) and I can't believe the incredible amount of parallels between her and me in regards to her journey.

Gaga discusses how she lived in an apartment alone and cherished her loneliness, starting at 20 years old.  She had three jobs to pay her rent and came home to a quiet apartment.  She focused on the appearance of "artist" as opposed to the action of making art, which led to a cocaine addiction.

At one point it clicked and she stopped focusing on the appearance and worked on the action.  She also removed people who got in the way of her art-making existence.

I feel like this woman was put on earth with the sole purpose of keeping me focused.  I swear to you, every time I stray she always puts me right back in my place.  This interview just put me back in my place.

Okay, so I removed everyone from my life that got in my way.  I removed the alcohol, because blacking out four or five nights a week was not assisting my dream of becoming a writer.  I hid in my apartment now for over a month and spent that month reflecting on the action of writing and determining my next moves.  I've made more headway in the last past four weeks than I've made in the last past five years.

I sit in my apartment, cherish my loneliness, and spend most of my time improving my craft and looking for routes off of the beaten path.  I've focused on self improvement and have made a few advancements at my job in the last past few weeks.  I'm a hard worker.

My friends are upset and mad.  They're upset because they miss me and they're mad because I won't bend for them.  Yes, I go to see them now and then.  Last night I went out with Keely.  But honestly, I don't want a very active social life right now.  I want to focus on my writing, my job, and furthering my education.  Because those are more important to me than blacking out four or five times a week.

I went to two Gaga concerts and at the first one she said something that made everything click in my brain.  I was with Kevin at the time.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”

Friends come and go, but real friends stick with you and understand when you put yourself first.  They even cheer you on and let you go on your way, even if it means you don't get to see them for awhile.  Life is too short and I've already fallen behind on my journey.  I don't know what I'm searching for but I'll let you know when I find it.  And I'm not fucking giving up until I find it.