Holding On

Once Alex said to me, "Nicole, you have a history of ruining everything when everything is perfect."  And Kevin screamed at me through the door once, "Your life sucks because you make it suck."  Now I'm older and wiser, willing to stop ruining the beautiful things that fall into my heart.. but now my problem is that nothing is falling into my heart anymore.  Everything is dark these days.  And how am I supposed to know when something is shiny?  How do people know?  How do you know when you have something beautiful that you're not supposed to fuck up?

Do I have something beautiful?

I'm not sure. I feel like I have something that can become beautiful.. is that how everything that is beautiful starts off?  Looking back, I can't think of anything that initially started off beautiful.  It's a process.  With each second, each trial and tribulation.. the world becomes a little bit more beautiful and a little bit more tolerable to live in.  As the sky turns bluer, your heart glows harder and you start to want to be here.

Right now I'm not sure if I want to be here.  I'm not sure what is beautiful, I'm not sure what is worth holding onto.  I know that I'm falling in love.  Is it the right person?  It could be.  We could belong together.  I want to belong with him.  I worry for him.  I worry about the way he treats his body.  That's really it though.. I love so many things about him.  I love his beautiful eyes, his smile, his warm body.  I love his selflessness.. I haven't seen selflessness from anyone in so long that I forgot what it looked like.  What it felt like.  He has it.  I love how he kisses me, holds me, makes me laugh.  I love how he lets me talk and talk.  We have a lot in common.  We are very similar.

And I do, I do love him.

But I'm still in a dark forest.  The skies didn't clear yet and I'm scared.  Do I hold on?  Do I let go?

I don't want to let go.  I just want to hold onto him.  I just want to rub his cute facial hair with my warm hand and kiss his cute cheeks while he smiles.

Do I have something beautiful?  I probably do.  I look at his perfect green eyes and always tell him he's beautiful.. and he grabs my chin while I'm sleeping next to him, pulls it upwards and gives me two warm slow kisses.  Says goodnight, tells me that he loves me.  I mumble it back to him, kiss his chest and feel some fireworks going off under my closed eyelids.  In the morning I wake up and he's still holding on tight, I kiss his forehead.  He gives me a morning smile.  He starts his first morning sentence with "babe.."

I should hold on.