Just the beginning

Today I got into my car like it was no big deal.  I had my coffee like always, a bagel in my tummy like always, the same lunch that I always have resting by my side.  I took a turn right instead of going straight, but it was like nothing.

I got to a red light and it hit me.  There was a large apartment complex to my left, North Philly to my right.  I realized that I was in my car worrying about Andrew.  Andrew Andrew Andrew.

I remember the day that I had the interview for this new job and I sat in the parking lot worrying about Andrew.  Not an ounce of tension was running through my body, I was too busy being sad about Andrew to worry about this important interview.

For weeks my dad and mom kept asking me, "Hey Nicole, how did that interview go?"  My answer was the same time and time again.  "Mom, I don't want to talk about it."  "Mom, I am not concerned about that, I have bigger problems right now."  "Dad, I am too busy worrying about Andrew to give a shit about that right now."  I kept saying, "This is just a job.  I don't care.  Andrew is more important to me right now."

And then today I walked into the new office like it was nothing.  I talked to my new coworkers like it was nothing.  The attorneys bought the whole office lunch and had a welcome party for me.  I sat there shoveling food into my mouth and answering their questions like this wasn't even a real day.

Also, my many adventures since Andrew have numbed me to my usual insecurities.  I've slept on strangers' couches, I've gotten into dirty vans and went places I've never been, I wandered the streets of Philly like I was wearing a bullet proof vest and had a body guard by my side, which I didn't.

I've been so nonchalant.  It's crazy.

And I'm so glad.  Thank you Andrew, for that.  Thank you for numbing me to shit and making me transition easily into a great career move that I will never regret.  Today I sat in the conference room with my new attorney until 5:30 chatting up a storm with him.  He said, "Nicole you're smart and you're a quick learner, I can tell.  This won't take you long."  My confidence was beaming.  I said, "I got this.  Don't worry."  He said he wants me to learn every single thing in the office.  I told him "No problem, I'm excited."

I am so thankful for every single beautiful thing that has fallen into my world.  I hate you Andrew, I do.  You broke my heart harder than anyone else in the whole universe.  You literally shook me to the core.  But at the same time, thank you for your encouragement and the numbness that you have given me.  So at the same time, I love you with all of my heart for giving me the disposition that I needed to get where I am.

And I'm not done yet.  I still have more stairs to climb.  This is just the beginning of an excellent career, I'm sure.