Summertime freckles

In the summer, my summer freckles float through the screen in the window and plop themselves on my sun-kissed face.  I like those.  The air is blowing, my friends are smiling, the ice cream has been plentiful.  I have so many fucking reasons to be happy, to be thankful to this forgiving and selfless universe.

I feel like I'm living with a big gross icky bug and it's trying to make it's way through the little holes in my screen window, but it's struggling.  Once it does, I can relax in my summer freckles and live without a care in my Batman-wallpapered bedroom.

I've been spending a lot of time with Keith.  I am so lucky to have him.  Between craft fairs, Mexican restaurants, ice cream on the avenue, texts that always put a smile on my face, and seeing him wink at my from his new yellow motorcycle.. I feel like he's helping me heal.  Ricky too.  I love coming home to her beautiful smiling face.  I see her sitting on the couch with her book and puppy and I can't help but smile.

Things are fucking good.  I got a great new job.  I'll be making more money, I'll have a shorter commute, and I'll have a better boss.  I've been spending time with my beautiful parents.  I'm growing a stronger bond with my family in general.  I've been sitting in my grandma's comfy kitchen talking about the future and how promising it is for me.  I have a nice car, a nice place to live, I'm healthy, my loved ones are healthy.  I love my neighborhood and Philly in general.  When the avenue doesn't quench my thirst, I drive along Kelly Drive, I cruise downtown, I walk around South Philly or grab a drink in NoLibs.

I am lucky.  I should be thankful for every beautiful thing that I am lucky enough to have.

But.. Andrew left me.  I'm still bruised up pretty fucking bad.  It hurts.  I'm confused.  It's a toss up between "I HATE HIM" and "I miss him so much that I don't even know what to do" and "I can find someone better" and "I'll never find someone better."  My head is fucking scrambled.  I told Keith that I feel like it's that song by Lady Gaga.  He ate my heart and then he ate my brain.

He ate my brain and I feel like it made me temporarily blind.  I can't fucking see all of the beautiful things in my world.  I mean, I can see them.. but I can't feel them.  It's like he rubbed his shit all over my happiness sensor and I haven't been able to fully clean it off yet.

One of these days, I hope, I will wake up and all I'll need is the wind, the sunshine, and my summertime freckles.  I'll wake up with a beautiful smile and want to hug all of the beautiful people in my life.  I'll also feel comfortable in my own skin again.

I swear I'm the luckiest girl in the universe.  One of these days I'll be able to bask in that.  All of the shiny rays from all of this beauty will soak into my skin and make me feel the way that they're supposed to make me feel.  Then I can hopefully start paying back the universe for being so good to me.

I want to be a good person from now on.  I want to think hard about every decision, be a little selfless, be a little selfish, but most of all, I just want to be a well-rounded, good-hearted person who makes good decisions for myself and good decisions that will positively affect other people.