I told him "meh." My night was "meh."

Today was alright.  I got into my car and drove to a pretty cathedral.  Like 80 birds pooped on my car window.  I wrote a poem about Jesus as a bunch of weirdos walked past my car and someone stopped to smell the roses.

Then I cruised through the city for an hour.  I swear, I am going to know every section like the back of my hand before the summer ends.  I zigzagged through the Northeast, North, and Northwest.  Right now I feel like I know West Philly the least.  I guess I should put that on my to-do list.  I've hung out there a bit.. but basically just on Baltimore Ave.

Then I came home and thought about how pathetic Andrew is.  I can find my happiness within myself.  I know it's in there.  I see a glimpse of it now and then.  I don't think he has happiness within himself.  At least not right now.  If he had happiness inside him right now, he wouldn't be trying to fill a void with dating sites.

I don't think I have a void.  I think I'm just struggling to get a grip, really.  This knocked me off my feet and I just have to regain stability.  As Chris said, I have to get up and dust off my sparkles.

Ricky is trying to convince me to go downstairs and watch a movie with her and her girlfriend.  I just want to soak in the silence in my room.  It's kind of beautiful.  This whole fucking city is beautiful.  Tonight as I was driving down forgotten streets, everything looked so pretty to me.  I thought, "This is my home." It is.

And as I drove up to the big wall and the city park that's adjacent to my little red brick rowhome, I looked at the idling car that often hangs out and the teenage boy dribbling a basketball down the sidewalk.  I saw the police lights in the distance, I saw the cameras on the corner with their big blue light.. I heard a neighbor's car door slam and the dog barked at me once because he wanted me to know that he knew I was home .

This is where I belong.  I love my life.  I love my friends, my family, my career, my education, my car, my room, my bed, my pajamas.  I love who I am too, but I have to learn to appreciate what I have to offer again.  Andrew made me feel insufficent (You know- 'Why didn't he want me?").

I am not insufficient.  I am not inadequate.  Fuck, I need to do some meditation and repeat some positive affirmations. Things will get better for me. They fucking have to.