I hate what you've done to me

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.  10 minute freewrite, minimum.  Starting at 6:40.

I hear the air conditioner humming to my right.  I have the light on above me.  My sheets are under my warm legs- You know, you've slept in them.  You rolled in them.  Your warm body was so beautiful and I kissed your tattoos.  I said "I love you" and "Go ahead, go to sleep, I don't mind."  I went downstairs and talked to a somewhat stranger at the party about our relationship.  He was impressed.  He said I was lucky.  I felt like I was.

But then you broke me.  You broke me and shattered me like a piece of China and I'm still shattered on the floor.  No one even swept me away yet.  I just lay there as helpless as can be, staring at the wooden floor below me.

My life hurts so bad right now.  It hurts to live.  To breathe, to think.  I know I'm capable of great things.  I know I'm beautiful, healthy.  I know I'm smart, fun, funny.  But I just hardly make it through each day.  Even when I indulge in a smile here and there over silly things, deep down my heart is so broken that the happiness over silly things fades quickly.  A friend just leaves the room and I'm instantly back to extreme sadness.  I feel it crawling on every extremity on my body.  I feel it marinating in my brain, blocking my eyesight.  I can't see anything worth seeing anymore, it seems.

I just live.  I just make it from day to day mourning over you.  Hating myself with every fiber of my being.

I don't understand what I did to deserve this.  This better lead me to a beautiful meadow with tall grasses and beautiful flowers.  Never in my life has my soul suffered this much.  Never.

I went crazy last night and blew some of my savings by paying off a student loan that I probably wasn't ready to pay off yet.  I canceled the LSAT.  I returned my study materials.  I don't even want to live.  How in the fuck can I get a good score on the LSAT if I don't even want to live?

So I went to work and made it through the day.  I was more tolerable than usual, I think, because I only had one thorn in my side (you) and not two (studying).

My insomnia is back.  I tossed and turned for hours last night, eyeballs burning with tiredness but body tossing from side to side, unable to sleep.

Sunday was good though.  My mom and dad came down.  We went to Manayunk, then South Street for a restaurant.  We went on a long walk to Penn's Landing.  We stared at the Delaware. My parents told me that they loved me.

They love me more than I love myself.  I hate myself.  I hate myself for being whoever I am that made you not want me.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Casual sex?  Hiding from the world in my blankets?  Drinking myself to a stupor?

I'm running out of options.  And I don't even want to be alive anymore.