Being myself

"I fell in love with you and you backed up."  Is that so, Chris?  Because that's not how I remember it.  But I have shitty memory so I could be wrong.

I told him that we both fucked up.  We're both guilty.

Everyone keeps saying that one day Andrew will be having a similar discussion with me.  I hope not.  I hope I never have to hear his voice or see his face or read his texts or type his name ever again.  I threw away his rose today.  I threw away his pen today.  I deleted all of his texts today.  I am FURIOUS.  I fucking hate him.

I hate him because he made me hate myself.  I hate the way I look, the way I feel.  I hate how unintelligent I think I am.  I hate my voice, my eyes, my hair, my body.  I hate my soul. I hate the girl that cries in her bed every night.  I hate the girl that can't even fake being happy around the people that she cares about.  I hate the girl who has been binge eating.  The girl who was starving herself a month ago.  I hate myself with makeup on, makeup off.  I hate my skin tone, my lack of desire to do any fucking thing other than study and mope.  Study and mope.  Study and mope.

For about five days now, the only thing I've wanted to do was die.  That's it.  Just die.  What have I done to deserve this much torment?  Was it my lack of empathy when Brian was killed?  Was it the fact I broke up with Kevin?  Was it my backing away from all of the people who've fallen in love with me because I wasn't ready?

I don't think any fucking thing I've ever done could ever warrant this amount of mental anguish.  It's not fair.  I just want to be Nicole again.  That's all.  I've never struggled this hard JUST TO BE MYSELF.