Staying on the planet

I feel like it's taking every last ounce of my being just to continue breathing.  I see my stomach moving up and down and I hear some gurgling, and typing on top of it is almost too much.  Not enough to prevent the salty tears that are welling up under my bloodshot eyes.

It's been, what?  Eight months?  Eight months.  Eight months of struggling.  Eight months of not knowing why the fuck I bother waking up in the morning.  Eight months of contemplation but decisions not to act because I want it to get better.  Life is great when it's better.  But why this suffering?  I feel like I'm being held under water by life.  I feel like something doesn't want me to be happy.  Am I not worthy?  Did I do something to deserve this?

I think back to Patty.  I've known Patty for almost ten years and she's always been sad.  Is that going to be me?  Am I the next Patty?  It's not fair.  I try so hard to be happy.  I try so hard to accept things for the way that they are but it seems to be a pointless attempt at this point.

I love my parents so much and I hate to put them through this.  It makes me hate myself even more than I already do.  I hate myself for so many reasons, but that's the main reason.  Reason number two is for how fucking shitty of a friend I am.

I just want to feel full again.  I'm so empty.  I'm empty all of the fucking time.  I feel like my life is a vacant lot surrounded by big black, used tires that are preventing me from getting out.  Now and then I find an interesting treasure that keeps me going for another week or two, like a trip to Brooklyn with some friends or a spontaneous trip to the other side of the country..

But I'm fucking sick of relying on that.  I'm so fucking sick of it.  I'm fucking sick of being alive in general.  I'm back to square one.  Months ago I used to drive around thinking "I hope I die I hope I die I hope I die" on repeat.

I'm back there.  I hope I die I hope I die I hope I die.  Might as well go to fucking Portland.  There's nothing over here that's making me want to stay on the planet.  Maybe I'll find something over there.