Tossing shit

I am in a terrible mood.  I just poured myself a beer, merely because I am too upset to drive to the wine store for a bottle that I would definitely consume in one sitting.  I am upset because I'm sweaty and gross and unemployed and I have had the worst fucking year ever.

Yeah, things are improving emotionally.  But today was just bad.

I sat there and thought about it.  My health issues that I have been avoiding.  The autoimmune disease that I conveniently decided to ignore when my doctor was explaining the cause of my super rare parathyroid condition.  The fact that I had to piss in a jug for 24 hours straight and get several viles of blood taken just to find out that "Oh! So my calcium level is way below what my doctor told me is alright for a girl in her 20s."

He said, "Nicole, you don't want your calcium being below ___ in your 20s."  Finding out that it is much below, actually DECREASING from my last visit, oh yes.. that's just great.

Am I never going to be able to be okay again?  Will I never find a job again?  Will I never be the same worker?  Will I lose my apartment?  Will I lose everything?  What is going to happen to me?  These are questions I ask on a regular basis.

I don't leave my home much because I'm scared of the money situation.  I'm scared of so many things.  I'm scared that I'm really going to be alone forever now.  I found a cute guy that I went on a date with, when he finds out all of this badness in me, he is not going to want me.

I just don't know what to do.  My insurance ends after two more days.

And I love myself.  I do.  I love the fact that despite all of the fucked up shit that happened to me over the last past year, I have shot back to myself.  I am Nicole again.  I am not some depressed girl wanting to die under the covers.  I want to live now.

So why does the universe continue to toss fucking shit at me?