I just don't know what to do anymore

I am wearing an old deep gray tattered sweatshirt and light gray sweatpants.  My nail polish is peeling, my hair is unwashed.  I feel two lukewarm tears traveling down my oily face.  I'm barefoot.  My back is sore and warm.  There isn't a sound inside my apartment aside from the clicking of my keyboard and the rumbling in my stomach.  Outside though, there are blowing trees and racing cars.

I feel alone.  I do.  I feel like I won't ever find whatever it is that will make me feel whole.  I just want to be a good person, yes, but sometimes it just kills me inside.  I just looked at a picture of my beautiful sister and she has the biggest smile on her face.  She is so happy and I absolutely love it.  I am so thankful that she found peace and happiness and love and everything.

But after I said "You are just beaming, I love it," I started to cry.

When will it be my turn to beam?  When will it be my turn to find happiness?

Most days I have been doing much better.  Not much wallowing, not much self pity - I try to spend my time making the people that I care about feel better.  I try to spend my time focusing on positives and being a good person, even to complete strangers.  But now and then I stray from this pathway and I just become very sad.  I feel so empty inside.  Like the universe has abandoned me.  Like I don't deserve happiness or something.  Like I am not a good enough person.  Like I have so much more work to do-

But I'm exhausted.  I am so tired of trying so hard.  The whole thing just breaks my heart.  I want to be happy too.  I feel like a fucking mental case.  Like I don't know how to live like everyone else, and maybe that's why I'm so alone.

I have friends, I have family, I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, a vehicle, an education.. but really, some days I feel like none of that matters.  Because I still sit at home alone and feel like there's no purpose for me.  Like there is no reason for me to even be alive.

I always say that one day I'll adopt a kid and that will help me find purpose.  Well, I don't have a job anymore.. so that puts a big damper on that.  So now what?

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't cry like I used to.  I don't wallow as much as I used to.  I, in general, make it through the days with more ease.  But sometimes I feel so tired.  Sometimes things happen that make me feel like I'm on some sort of path, but I can't be certain.

I just don't know what to do anymore.