My Moment

I need a good rant.

First of all, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself because I hate when I'm a weak person. I've been weak for most of this summer, and I am not proud of that. It actually disturbs me. I need to fucking brush that dirt off of my shoulders and force myself to relax. I need to stop complaining, stop being upset, and laugh a little bit.

Second of all, I forgive myself. I remained strong after something.. pretty tragic.. occurred last year. Something that pretty much no one around me knows about because it's so.. uncomfortable to share. I was strong through many months of what should have been agony, so I deserve a little bit of petty angst.

Thirdly... I hope other people forgive me for it. I'm definitely not myself. I've gotten messages and texts from concerned family members and friends. I hope they don't accept this as "the new Nicole." I hope that they understand that I'm just... having a moment.

A long moment.

And, lastly... I want to cry and not be ashamed of it for once. I don't want people to question me or think I'm being dramatic or immature. I just need to give into my weakness for once. I need to cry my little eyes out, think for a bit.. find out what's making me unhappy, and CORRECT IT.

I want to be the old Nicole, I swear. I'm working on it. But I'm only human. And no human is perfect. In the meantime, I hope I'm not ruining the relationships that I have. I don't want to dig myself into a hole that I can't manage to crawl out of.

And I'm only 5 feet tall, so it won't take me too long to dig myself into a hole that I can't crawl out of.