Making Sense

I can't remember who said it, but someone told me in passing that I'm "pretty badass" for teaching at a school in Philadelphia.

Okay, so I didn't really think about it much. Because I don't ... I don't know, I'm one of those people who looks at the fluffy side of everything. In my opinion, things are always peachy keen. And you know what, I love my students. And the ones with criminal records and whatnot, they are totally nice to me. I haven't had any problems whatsoever.

It's sort of like I'm not living my life. That I'm just observing. Like, today when I found blood all over the hallway floor and wall and when someone outside of my classroom punched through a glass window... I kinda just thought to myself "Oh shit" and moved along.

I kind of just.. feel numb to it?

I'm not totally unaware of the situation. I get nervous when I walk the two blocks to my car at night, and I refuse to walk the hallways when the kids are in it. I mean, the principal broke his back because he got in the way of two kids that were fighting, so I don't want to be in the hallway when things like that are more likely to happen. Also, when I see cops on the sidewalk and hear sirens, I keep an eye out around me because I don't want to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Yes, I'm teaching in the most dangerous part of Killadelphia. Yes, I'm teaching at a school that feeds it's students into a high school that is on the "persistently dangerous" list. Yes, it's so bad that they can elect to go to another high school, just because it's so dangerous. Yes, many kids get taken out in handcuffs and so far, I've dealt with high school gangs breaking into the school while I was teaching.

But for some reason, I can't fathom any of it. It's like I'm walking into a normal school in a normal neighborhood. The kids are great. I love them to death. Some of them can't even speak English, some of them have criminal records, and some have failed multiple times and are nearly 18, but I love these kids to death. I want nothing more than for things to get better for them.

What a weird feeling. I don't think I'll work in Philadelphia for the rest of my life. It's making me very confused, which is mentally exhausting. I try to not think about it. Thinking about it is too hard.

I figured I'd write about it though, to try to straighten out my feelings. To try to make some sense of things.

But I don't think it worked.