Nicole again

I don't know. I haven't been myself. I was doing okay, you know, being away from my family. I was okay with them disconnecting themselves from me. But then I realized that all I have here in my town is myself, my two friends that put me in horrible situations, and alcohol.

My family doesn't love me anymore. And even if they do deep down, it doesn't matter if all they project is .. hatred or disinterest.

I reached out for them, I wanted someone to help me. All I got was .. nothing really.

So I went home and got completed wasted by myself. Lots of vodka and rum. Keith made an impromptu visit and found me so incredibly out of it, falling all over.

He invited me out but I stayed in. I've been doing that a lot lately. I've been hibernating. I don't want to go out and get drunk all of the time and have people take advantage of me. It was fun, but it's not fun anymore.

I was coaxed out last night. Around midnight. Keely had some ladies over so she invited me as well. It was.. lesbianish. We arm wrestled and talked about how hot Rosario Dawson is.

It somewhat put a smile on my face. But not so much. Nothing really puts a smile on my face anymore. I just want to get a fucking better job and start fresh. That's all.

I just want to enjoy life again. I want to be Nicole again.